Why take the easy road?

Look into those beautiful eyes
Zachary's eyes are like big deep pools you could get lost in, very similar to the dark brown eyes of our son.  How could a parent even contemplate harming him; let alone kill him because she thought he may be gay.

May we never forget his name and may we never forget the reason he died.   Homophobia is like a tangled far reaching web that seeps into every day lives despite what many people would prefer to believe or see.  It's very easy to not see homophobia as an issue in the world most of us live.  Day to day we don't necessarily see the impacts of homophobia, these impacts are not in our face to demonstrate what damage it can and does do.  This little person Zachary was unable to protect himself from the homophobia that drove his mother to kill him.  Admittedly she was a violent woman it seems, but he is dead because of homophobia.  It is easier to take the focus from what happened to Zachary and move on in our every day lives.  Let's not take the easy road, Zachary certainly didn't and we owe it to him to take our minds to that unthinkable place.

So here we go.  On the surface homophobia killed Zachary because his mother reacted to what she saw in him.  She thought he was gay and that was something she didn't want to face and killing him was the answer.  Honestly though I have no idea why she killed him, really none of us do; she was a violent woman who harmed her other children also.  Regardless it raises a discussion that needs to be had.  Even the mere thought that he died because his mother thought he was gay is enough for us to look at homophobia in general.

What does homophobia taint?  It taints the thoughts and lives of many people, it may be you, it may be the people in your circle of friends but have no doubt there are people in your lives that are homophobic.  From the extreme Westboro Baptist Church "God hates fags" to the "I'm OK with gay people as long as it doesn't touch my life directly" i.e. a child/parent/sibling/friend.  Is homophobia too strong a word?  No it's not.  It's more comforting to believe that the root of the concern is not homophobia but again that is the easy road and dismisses the facts.  Many law makers will stress they are not homophobic however they do not support full equal rights.  If that isn't homophobia what is it?  It is the belief that same-sex attraction is in some way lesser that heterosexuality and deserving of different legal rights. That people who are same-sex attracted can live their lives quietly as long as 'they' don't expect to have full equality.  It is homophobia and it leads people to believe that their hate crimes have some level of justification.  Zachary, Matthew Sheppard and many others have died because homosexuality was seen as abhorrent; something to kill over.

What relationship does this have to equal rights, what difference would equal rights in marriage and beyond make?  The difference they make is that through equal rights and laws society makes a clear statement and over time that statement molds what is acceptable and what is not.  Facts do not change the opinion of people it is emotions that do.  Emotionally we have to make homophobia and in turn inequality unacceptable.  If we look at the past major human rights movements; women's rights, indigenous rights, apartheid etc. it wasn't until collectively society said "we do not accept that these people are treated differently and have different basic human rights" that change occurred.  Marriage rights are not the beginning of the equal rights movement for homosexuals and it is not the end of the movement however it will make a difference as large as the right to vote for women and the removal of apartheid. 

Marriage rights may seem to the every day person as not important and really not something that will force a quantum shift in our society - that is so wrong.  Marriage rights are the tipping point, they are the trigger that will help exponentially in moving us from a society that is disgusted and shocked by hate crimes to a society that actively protects the rights of homosexuals.

RIP Zachary; I will not stop speaking on your behalf and I urge my friends not to also. 

A


© Adele Fisher 2014

Where do the months go? To tell or not to tell?

So here we are on April 1.  I've managed so far to not be April Fooled but then I've barely left the house.  I hope you are all just as lucky or have had a good laugh.

Where has the time gone since my last post?  Family life hey?

More food for thought for my book.  Our son had a friend sleep over recently.  We had a great chat with the friend's mother about discussing the topic of our son having 2 mothers.  Now I appreciate a lot of people don't see this as an issue on the surface but no matter how accepted we are there are still circumstances that need to be considered so to speak.  It raises the question, what does the parent of the child do?  Let him know that he is going to a house where there are two mums who will sleep in the same bed etc. or leave it be because it's no big deal.  I personally am a little conflicted on the approach, which will obviously be different for every child.  My inner equality rebel says, NO, nothing should need to be discussed a family, is a family, is a family regardless of the makeup.

However I get that there could be some young children who, raised in the heteronormative society that we live in might be a little confused heading off for a sleep over to find two mums.  Clearly we want our kids to be comfortable and our kids friends so a little heads up just to check all is good seems like an OK plan to me.

I recall arranging our daughter's first play date in daycare and 'coming out' to the mother on the other end of the phone.  Who, thankfully, was completely fine, as are most people.  There was that chance though that the family may have been strictly against gay people and not want their children 'exposed'.  While it sounds so strange for me to say, I don't doubt there are people who fit this category.  We all know there are people who fit this category.  Thankfully the greater majority do not.  Who was I to know that the family weren't some worshipers from the Fred Phelps Westboro Baptist Church! 

As we got talking with the mother of the boy who came over she was fantastic and shared that a chat had occurred with their son.  It was really nice to be able to speak with a parent who felt comfortable enough to say that she and her husband had thought about just letting their son know in case he wasn't aware or wanted to ask other questions.

I've also found myself recently having conversations with people who I find so accepting about same-sex relationships and families but as individuals and as parents they do want to talk about some of the not so obvious details.  When we've talked I hear that they do have questions and feel somewhat uninformed, not through purposeful ignorance but simply a desire to understand more.  Even something as simple as what our children call us is a very valid question and I want people to feel comfortable to ask the questions and not be shy.

This is a key area of my book.  Let's understand together what is helpful information, what questions people do have on their mind, not in any negative way but instead just wanting to know more.  I truly believe before we make it to complete cultural acceptance we need to go through a phase of open communication where people can feel free to ask and learn more.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

A

© Adele Fisher 2014