Where do we draw the line?

To most of us, in fact I would expect a large majority of us, the news this week that Brunei is introducing penalties which include stoning to death gay people, is difficult to comprehend to say the very least. 

Under the new penal code, based on Islamic Sharia law and upheld by the Sultan who has absolute power, there are a range of punishments not limited to the stoning of gays, severing of limbs for robbery and many other torturous and inhumane sentences.  The last time that a crime would result in the risk of the death penalty in Brunei was 1957 yet May 1st 2014 brings the reintroduction of this penalty. The link below details what is happening in Brunei. 

Stoned to death

This change in the law in Brunei has left me thinking.  I expect 'we' are horrified by this news and probably many of us do a good job of disregarding it as something happening far away, underpinned by religion in a patriarchal society in South East Asia.  Not on our doorstep.  I expect even those who do not support marriage equality, hate crime laws and other protections for gay people would still consider this punishment abhorrent.  How do we allow this to happen in our world and, if we find this unacceptable, what is acceptable?  The laws in Uganda, Russia, Iran, Pakistan and so on have penalties ranging from imprisonment to death.  I've included a link below which shows the status of gay rights globally.  

Where is it illegal to be gay? Millions of people continue to live in places that outlaw same-sex relationships and prosecute people for being gay. In five countries and in parts of two others, homosexuality is still punishable with the death penalty, while a further 70 imprison citizens because of their sexual orientation.

Back to my questioning about what is acceptable as global citizens and what is the impact of these laws more broadly.  If we would consider the death penalty to be unacceptable, that it represents an inhumane punishment for being gay and these laws are based in deeply religious beliefs what then do we think of the countries laws where the penalty isn't death but instead imprisonment such as Africa and the Middle East?  Is this an acceptable option for a country to uphold?  Let's take a look at other countries such as Russia.  The Russian laws are against gay expression.  Next we move to Indonesia and Angola these are countries with contradictory laws including age of consent laws which are different to the heterosexual community.  Venezuela and Bolivia are my next examples and these countries are an example of countries which have anti-discrimination laws. 

This brings me to the USA, Canada, the UK and last but not least Australia.  Arguably some of the most progressive countries in relation to rights for people in the LGBTI community especially in comparison to the laws I have mentioned above.  Marriage laws, domestic partnerships, civil unions, relationship registers through to legal protections in relation to defacto relationships and some hate crime legislation and antidiscrimination laws with various caveats.  I'd like to note Australia is at the very lowest level when it comes to rights in comparison to USA, Canada and the UK. 

While the countries and laws I have included are not exhaustive it demonstrates something very interesting to me.  There is a spectrum when it comes to rights and liberties for LGBTI people.  Starting will full equality such as in Canada all the way through to the death penalty in Brunei and every variation and step in between. 

How can this be justified?  If countries find some of the torturous punishments unacceptable how can they justify any level of discrimination for the same 'crime'.  The discrimination is the same, the rationale is the same and the 'cause' is the same.  Each of these laws or lack of equality and protective laws come down simply to the fact that a person is gay the only difference as I have outlined is the severity of the punishment.  

Our 10 year old daughter was in tears this morning when she heard the news about the Brunei laws.  Why was she upset?  As the tears fell she explained to us that it is because she was frightened.  Frightened because she has two mums and people can be killed in a country for being gay.  For her it isn't foreign people, in foreign countries, with foreign religions creating and upholding laws that are unbelievable to most of us.  For her it is the killing of people for being themselves, just like her mums.    

A


Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

I don't introduce myself as heterosexual....so why talk about being gay?

In response to my questions yesterday a friend of mine messaged me last night and here it what she said.  "But it's not a big deal to us. Eg. I don't walk up to anyone and say 'hi, I'm xxxx and I'm a heterosexual'. I don't even think about it. It's just not a 'thing' in my thinking, if you know what I mean." 

We've had a bit more conversation about this and I asked if she minded if I used her words as the basis for another blog post.  She very kindly agreed and is also interested in the opinions of others.  Thank you to that friend, you know who you are and I appreciate your input.  A

Here goes: 

Every now and again someone will ask me 'why do you talk about being gay, I don't introduce myself as being heterosexual'.  Or simply say 'someone being gay doesn't hit my radar I don't announce I'm heterosexual'.  Most people who know me know that I don't introduce myself as Adele, quickly followed by I'm gay.

It does however cause me to think deeply when people say they don't introduce themselves as heterosexual.  I question myself, do I really make too big a deal of it when others don't see it that way.  Am I, instead of helping to reduce stigma and educate people, actually putting a lens where it is not required.  On reflection however the answer for me is consistently 'no', there is a difference.  I long for the day that this difference doesn't exist yet for now it does and this is one of the reasons I have created this blog and continue to share stories. 

People will often ask a gay person when did they 'come out'.  We differentiate straight and gay people by requiring a gay person to 'announce' their sexuality.  In fact that is not exactly what we do, as a society in general we make an automatic assumption that people are straight until we are told otherwise.  Also when it comes to that moment of 'coming out' it is actually not a moment in time and one event that is finished and over once completed.  It is actually something that goes on for your entire life.  What does this have to do with parenting?  Once you have children it is something that your children are required to do in a sense on your behalf.  That might sound unusual and not something you've thought about before however it is true. 

I can give so many examples of how being gay comes up in conversation that seems and is completely unnecessary and definitely unrelated.  You actually find yourself 'coming out' over and over.  So why does it come up when I or Monique are talking to health professionals, colleagues, acquaintances, tradespeople, shop attendants and the list is endless?


Here are some real life examples that Monique and I have experienced.

I was in hospital a few weeks ago, I said my partner was coming to collect me and the nurse said to just let her know when he arrived.

Someone comes to quote for some work on our roof.  The guy quoting keeps saying to Monique that when she has spoken to her husband to get back to him.

Before a meeting at work people are casually chatting about their weekend I might mention my partner.  Small talk moves on to me being asked what does he do.

Out shopping with Bae and we were buying a piece of jewellery for Monique.  The shop attendant made an understandable assumption that the jewellery we were buying was for me and made a comment about what a lovely daddy Bae must have for him to buy me this necklace. 

We've also had the question, more than once, are we sisters or relatives. 

I understand the automatic assumption of heterosexuality the question that this raises for both Monique and I is do we disclose that in fact our partner is female or do we just let it slide.  Each time something like this happens (and it happens more frequently than you would think) I have to make a decision; do I correct the person or do I just leave it.  Those people who read my blog and are gay will easily relate to situations like this.  Those people who are straight can I suggest you try considering for a moment if someone assumed your partner was the same gender as you often.  

What goes through my head in that split second or few minutes, depending on the circumstances, are quite a number of decisions.  Firstly should I disclose this information?   Is it relevant?  Is not correcting, especially when we are with our children, interpreted by them as being ashamed of our family?  Is there a risk with disclosing?  You never know what someone's beliefs are, and if they are in your home such as a tradesperson, could you be putting yourself or your family at risk?  Am I going to be in contact with this person again and is it right to let them know to save future embarrassment/discomfort etc. for them?

The list goes on and I hope that gives you some idea of why being gay, no matter how much we would like it to be irrelevant, isn't.  Our sexuality is part of who we are, gay, straight and everything in between, it is not the whole of us.  However our society is so strongly geared towards assumed heterosexuality and therefore seeming unrelated situations and circumstances leave us in a situation where we need to make a choice whether to disclose our sexuality or not and often this is to strangers or acquaintances. 

This article also made me reflect on the journey of my book and its relevance.  As the author so rightly points out, being a gay parent is much more about being a parent than being a gay parent.  Yet wish as we might that having gay parents does not impact on our children's lives I believe this is not yet possible.  It is not the overwhelming majority of our focus by any means however it is reality and it will continue to be so for now. 

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

10 things that you might want to ask same-sex parents?

Do you have a list of questions?  If you felt no shame, embarrassment or hesitation in asking questions of same-sex parents what would they be?  Add them to the comment section.  Don't be shy. 

As a same-sex parent here are the questions that I think people may like to ask; well to be honest it is the questions we have been asked.

1. How did you have the child/children? 
2. No, really how did you have them?  Not what type of birth but did you use IVF or were they from a previous heterosexual relationship or did you use the 'turkey baster'?  
3. What does your child/children call you?  Is there a 'mummy' role or 'daddy' role?  
4. What do you tell your child/children about their other biological parent? 
5. Does your child/children have a relationship with their other biological parent? 
6. Are the children related?  
7. How did you go enrolling them in school? 
8. How do you go with other families understanding your family?  
9. What do your family think? 
10. What do you do with Mothers Day or Fathers Day? 

Would you like me to answer these questions to get us started?  I'll answer them and I'd like you to add your questions or if you are a same-sex parented family perhaps you have different answers.

1. Monique and I had our children once we were together.  Monique had our daughter and I gave birth to our son.  
2. We used IUI (Interuterine Insemmination).  Something that is not part of every day conversation but very popular with assisted fertility treatments (ART).  We went to http://qfg.com.au/.  The process was not easy.  Monique had blood tests day after day until her hormone levels were right  every month followed by IUI.  This went on for 18 months.  36 back to back attempts.  Monique says to this day that it was like she was being treated for an illness not attempting to have a baby.  When she was pregnant, we couldn't believe it.  I had 5 months of similar attempts followed by a miscarriage and then another 6 before a pregnancy that lasted to full term.  We both had HCG injections which I gave Monique and myself and we had other medication prescribed by our gynaecologist/obstetrician. 
3. We are mummy (Monique) and mama (Adele).  We have heard so many variations and would love to here more in the comments.  
4. Our children both know there is a wonderful man who helped us become a family.  They also know they will never meet him.  We made a conscious decision to have a donor who was not seeking involvement in the future.  Our rationale behind this was two fold.  Firstly we think it is hard enough to keep two parents together raising children.  Secondly the way the laws in Queensland were at the time (I don't think they have changed yet but expect they will) a donor had the choice to be known and at anytime withdraw this.  That would mean if we had chosen a known donor we could have told the children for years that they would eventually meet their father and then he could withdraw this consent.  A risk we weren't willing to take.  Our children celebrate their father.  Every Father's day they release a balloon each with a note to thank the man who helped us become a family.  Interestingly in the time we had our children, donors got to choose if they were willing to donate to same-sex couples.  In Brisbane at that time the number of men who were willing to donate to same-sex couples was not high.  It makes that man even more special.  
5. No
6. Yes our children are related.  They have the same donor father and different mothers.  It was initially very important to us that the children have the same father which completed our family circle - in some way we were all related.  After such a long period of trying to have children though, to be honest, it was less important.  Even though it was less important we are very glad they have the same donor father.  
7. No issue enrolling in school.  Interestingly we were the first known same-sex parents in the daycare (it had been operational for 17 years) and the first known same-sex parents at the school (it had been operational for over 120 years).  One of the best experiences we have had both from the daycare and the school is that both places were willing to work with us if there was an issue.  We both did a lot of research before having children, one of the key issues was that children had no issue if their peers teased them about their family structure however if they had teachers that struggled to cope with their parents or family structure, that impacted them significantly.  
8. We have never had a major issue with family members.  We know many people who have.  We have been pleasantly surprised by so many and we have experienced people who keep their views to themselves.  
9. Similar to the question above.  Probably if we go back to before children.  It is always a shock for family members to have their heteronormative picture altered.  Some are ok, others aren't and then there is the group that on the surface are OK but lobby other family members.  They are the group I struggle most with.  Honesty is very important.  
10. Mother's Day and Father's Day are very special days for us.  We have a rule in our household that Mother's day gifts must be handmade.  Each of us get a day for Mother's Day.  Father's day is equally as special.  We celebrate wonderful men in the children's lives including their grandfathers.  We also honour their father.  We never pretend he doesn't exist or speak of him poorly.  He is what made us a family.  We have always been blessed by the day care and school in that they double up for Mothers Day.  

A side note about donors.  There was a great friend of mine that adopted her children except for one.  She never wanted adoption to be seen as a negative.  So from the moment they adopted their children they talked about how lucky they were that someone allowed them to adopt.  They made it a positive word.  That is what gave us the idea to make sure that donor was never a negative, that the children's father was never negative.  He is a wonderful man and he is always considered positively in our home.

 
Over to you........

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Putting a call out for your ideas or ideas from your friends

The bare bones of my book are continuing to take shape.  What I am seeking from anyone who reads my blog is input or ideas into some of the themes or chapters.  If you have nothing to add or don't feel like putting your thoughts out there quite yet please keep reading anyway and another way you can assist is by helping me share this blog with your connections.  This will hopefully help me get a balanced view and a range of opinions from many people.

You might be wondering what type of ideas and comments I am looking for.  It's really anything; if you are parents, teachers, grandparents, parents to be and either have questions or comments to make please just go for it.  This is not exclusively for gay people only, everyone's opinions are welcome*.  

The list of chapters has not changed but here is a reminder.  Any and all thoughts are welcome no matter how left field they might seem. 

1. Introduction
2. Family Structures 
3. Conception and Pregnancy
4. Birth
5. Families and Friends 
6. A child, two or more
7. Day Care and School
8. Special Occasions and Celebrations
9. Those situations 
10. Those conversations
11. Legal
12. For teachers and carers
13. For grandparents
14. For those wanting to know more about our families 
15. Marriage Equality 
16. Q and A 
17. The views of our children 
18. Conclusion

*only exception is hateful, offensive statements which are not constructive and do not add to the purpose of this blog.

 


Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Where do the months go? To tell or not to tell?

So here we are on April 1.  I've managed so far to not be April Fooled but then I've barely left the house.  I hope you are all just as lucky or have had a good laugh.

Where has the time gone since my last post?  Family life hey?

More food for thought for my book.  Our son had a friend sleep over recently.  We had a great chat with the friend's mother about discussing the topic of our son having 2 mothers.  Now I appreciate a lot of people don't see this as an issue on the surface but no matter how accepted we are there are still circumstances that need to be considered so to speak.  It raises the question, what does the parent of the child do?  Let him know that he is going to a house where there are two mums who will sleep in the same bed etc. or leave it be because it's no big deal.  I personally am a little conflicted on the approach, which will obviously be different for every child.  My inner equality rebel says, NO, nothing should need to be discussed a family, is a family, is a family regardless of the makeup.

However I get that there could be some young children who, raised in the heteronormative society that we live in might be a little confused heading off for a sleep over to find two mums.  Clearly we want our kids to be comfortable and our kids friends so a little heads up just to check all is good seems like an OK plan to me.

I recall arranging our daughter's first play date in daycare and 'coming out' to the mother on the other end of the phone.  Who, thankfully, was completely fine, as are most people.  There was that chance though that the family may have been strictly against gay people and not want their children 'exposed'.  While it sounds so strange for me to say, I don't doubt there are people who fit this category.  We all know there are people who fit this category.  Thankfully the greater majority do not.  Who was I to know that the family weren't some worshipers from the Fred Phelps Westboro Baptist Church! 

As we got talking with the mother of the boy who came over she was fantastic and shared that a chat had occurred with their son.  It was really nice to be able to speak with a parent who felt comfortable enough to say that she and her husband had thought about just letting their son know in case he wasn't aware or wanted to ask other questions.

I've also found myself recently having conversations with people who I find so accepting about same-sex relationships and families but as individuals and as parents they do want to talk about some of the not so obvious details.  When we've talked I hear that they do have questions and feel somewhat uninformed, not through purposeful ignorance but simply a desire to understand more.  Even something as simple as what our children call us is a very valid question and I want people to feel comfortable to ask the questions and not be shy.

This is a key area of my book.  Let's understand together what is helpful information, what questions people do have on their mind, not in any negative way but instead just wanting to know more.  I truly believe before we make it to complete cultural acceptance we need to go through a phase of open communication where people can feel free to ask and learn more.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

A

© Adele Fisher 2014 

Introduction taking shape

My introduction is starting to take shape, all comments welcome.

1. Introduction 

I feel I hardly need to explain what prompted this book.  I’ll share with you though in case you are wondering what the reasons were specifically for me.  I consider that we were somewhere at the forefront of the gayby boom in Australia and even more so in Queensland.  That’s not to say that there weren’t countless families with at least one gay or lesbian parent already when we decided we wanted to start a family.  I expect there were families in the more ‘gay friendly’ parts of Australia even.  We though have found ourselves navigating many firsts. 

The birth of our daughter and the fact of her having two mothers was something some staff at the hospital had some difficulty with.  When we enrolled her in daycare it was the first time the daycare which had been open for 17 years had an openly lesbian couple with a child at the daycare and the same occurred when our daughter started school. 

Having those experiences now far in the past for us but actually occurring relatively recently, being since 2003, I have continued to find that although we are surrounded by a bubble of friends and family who are very accepting of our family that it is still not unusual to face situations which are awkward or ‘firsts’ for us.  Deciding that we cannot be alone with this and knowing the interest that people having shown in different ways we and other lesbian families handle a range of circumstances I felt it was time to embark on a book.  A book whose roots start in Australia and sharing the common experience of Australians as this is lacking in the resources available to families such as mine.  A book I hope will interest a variety of people interested in learning more. 

The aim of this book is to be a resource for many people.  Lesbian families, parents and children, and families to be, their extended families and finally a resource for teachers, daycare providers and anyone else who wants to learn more about how normal our families are alongside challenges we face.  Heteronormativity is a concept I will talk about many times throughout this book.  That is the unconscious bias within society where the social norms are related to a heterosexual model only and those that fall outside of this model are often not even considered.  Something as simple as filling out a form that lists options of mother and father only. 

Finally it is a book of promise and hope for where we can be in the future.  A place where our families are so much a part of the social fabric that there is no longer a need for books such as this one.  

A 

© Adele Fisher 2014

Interesting research finding with an Australian component.

This research taken both the international and Australian literature and brings together the finding for same-sex parenting.

An interesting highlight and something I agree with completely is Australia needs more policy and focus in the health, education, child protection and foster care systems when it comes to same-sex parenting.  

http://www.aifs.gov.au/cfca/pubs/papers/a145197/cfca18.pdf

Key findings:

"About 11% of Australian gay men and 33% of lesbians have children. Children may have been

conceived in the context of previous heterosexual relationships, or raised from birth by a co-parenting

gay or lesbian couple or single parent.

Overall, research to date considerably challenges the point of view that same-sex parented families

are harmful to children. Children in such families do as well emotionally, socially and educationally as

their peers from heterosexual couple families.

Some researchers have concluded there are benefits for children raised by lesbian couples in that they

experience higher quality parenting, sons display greater gender flexibility, and sons and daughter

display more open-mindedness towards sexual, gender and family diversity.

The possible effect of important socio-economic family factors, such as income and parental education,

were not always considered in the studies reviewed in this paper.

Although many Australian lesbian-parented families appear to be receiving good support from their

health care providers, there is evidence that more could be done to develop policies and practices

supportive of same-sex parented families in the Australian health, education, child protection and

foster care systems.

Additional key messages, relating to specific family structures and psychosocial outcomes for children

raised by lesbian and gay parents, are included throughout the paper."

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014