Gay Parents Australia

I'd suggest you all join and check out this great Australian initiative. Parents

That's so gay

An update and addition to my previous post about homophobic language.  Has anyone checked out this website?

No Homophobes

It shows an amazing real time view of the use of four terms on social media.  The terms are Faggot, No Homo, Dyke and So Gay.

Just to give you an idea of the volume right now for today the numbers are:

Faggot - 24,835
No Homo - 5,156
Dyke - 3,794
So Gay - 6,706

In the time it took me to write those four numbers Faggot has increased to 24,892 and I'm not a slow typist!

Is it asking to much for everyone of us to start actively addressing casual and vindictive homophobic language?  I think not.  We are all responsible for speaking out against homophobic and transphobic language.   If we don't speak up who will?  By the way Faggot has just reached 25,085 while I am been writing.

Next time you hear one of these words used what will you say?  Will you address it in person and in online communities?  Do you have creative ideas on how to address this type of language?

Youth bullying, suicide and parenting - everyone is responsible for helping whether you accept it or not.

WARNING this post contains offensive language.  

Have you been guilty of saying that if it isn't one thing it will be another thing that children get bullied for?  I know I certainly have.  Have you  or your friends/family used the words; gay, poofter, shirt lifter, queer, butch, dyke, carpet muncher, nellie, poof, bum chum, lesbo, homo and the list goes on and gets weirder, to negatively describe a person or a situation?  What about jokes which stereotype and degrade LGBTI people such as: 

Six mates were seated at the bar, each trying to impress one another with
the size of their dicks. The bragging went on for almost an hour, and the
bartender got tired of hearing that shit, so he said, "Let's put an end to
all this crap and find out who's lying and who isn't. Each of you whip out
your dong and lay it on the bar." All six of then did.
Just at that moment a faggot walked into the bar, and the bartender asked
him if he wanted a drink.
The queer looked down the bar, and in a lisping voice, he said, "No thanks,
I'll just have some of the buffet."

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
Lickalotapus 

I think it is true to say that many of us have heard these terms used as a negative description of something or someone and similar jokes at the very least.  We may have internally cringed but how many of us have said NO, please stop using that language or NO that joke was not funny?  

It might be at this stage of the post I expect some people consider this might not be a big issue.  Words are words right and they can do no or little harm.  Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Whilst teaching our own children not to bully and supporting them when they are bullied is helpful I believe we have a broader responsibility.  This responsibility is to specifically address bulling topics individually, provide our children and young adults with strategies for themselves and help them learn to respect and support their peers and fellow people. Collectively as parents, peers, teachers, family members, friends and school students we can make these words and jokes if not a thing of the past at least something that is not routinely role modeled to children and then replicated by children.  We can make these as offensive to the general public as racist statements and jokes and terms which degrade those with physical or mental injuries/illnesses.  Why?  What I have described are fundamentally part of the individual and therefore it is abhorrent to be used negatively.  

On the subject of youth who are same-sex attracted who takes responsibility for protecting them from this hate and who helps to educate the world?  Are our schools and homes specifically addressing that our own children or their peers may be same-sex attracted? Or are some people uncomfortable having the discussion? If this isn't happening are we actually leaving some of the most at risk youth to fend for themselves? 

This is not all doom, gloom and negativity.  Not only have homophobic attitudes decreased over time but alongside that there are many initiatives and programs around to support same-sex attracted youth.  Some of these include: students at Australian public schools who are pledging to not allow the term "so gay" to be used by anyone at the school (this initiative was proposed by the students themselves), Wear it Purple day was introduced in Sydney in 2010 and is celebrated internationally to raise awareness of rainbow youth suicide and homophobic bullying, the Open Doors youth program specifically designed to support youth in the LGBTI community,  IDAHO day is a day to highlight action against homophobia and Australian football codes publicly uniting against homophobia.  How many of you have heard of these initiatives or special days?  

More info on the students banning the term 'So Gay'

Despite the progress there remains a long way to go.  Statistics show that two thirds of young same-sex attracted people have contemplated suicide and 80% are bullied for being gay.  These outcomes impact on every aspect of life for these youth.  Academic performance, peer relationships not to mention mental health.  One quarter of those bullied experience the bullying on a daily basis.  If bullying is at school it often doesn't go away at the end of the day where they should be able to return to the safe confines of their home.  Cyber bullying can make this a constant major stressor from the moment a child opens their eyes to when they fall asleep at the end of the day.  

More info on statistics 

So why is this the responsibility of all of us even those who oppose equality?  It is our responsibility because these are our youth, our children, our grandchildren, our nieces and nephews, the children of our friends and our children's peers who are being damaged and we can stop it together.  If we don't stop it the plain facts are; best case scenario these youth feel shame, fear, sadness and so on, the worst case scenario they die.  It is difficult to find statistics on the number of youth suicides related to being gay or lesbian.  I am not really sure that the statistics in this case are relevant because there is no level of suicide by children due to their sexual orientation that we should ever consider acceptable.  

What can you do?  Find ways to help move this language out of society, do not be complicit in jokes that degrade gay people, regardless of your beliefs around rights for gay and lesbian people don't support the use of this type of language, don't role model homophobic language or jokes ever and especially in front of children.  Remember every single time this is allowed to continue there is a risk that a vulnerable youth may be at breaking point.  Help our politicians, role models and religious leaders to understand that referring to LGBTI people as sick, disordered and needing to be cured reinforces that there is something fundamentally wrong with the young person who is gay.  

As usual with my blog posts I really would like to hear your thoughts.  Ideas on how you can correct your friends/family without damaging your relationships?  Suggestions on talking to children about the language which can be so very hurtful and anything else that is on your mind about this topic.  

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

 

I don't introduce myself as heterosexual....so why talk about being gay?

In response to my questions yesterday a friend of mine messaged me last night and here it what she said.  "But it's not a big deal to us. Eg. I don't walk up to anyone and say 'hi, I'm xxxx and I'm a heterosexual'. I don't even think about it. It's just not a 'thing' in my thinking, if you know what I mean." 

We've had a bit more conversation about this and I asked if she minded if I used her words as the basis for another blog post.  She very kindly agreed and is also interested in the opinions of others.  Thank you to that friend, you know who you are and I appreciate your input.  A

Here goes: 

Every now and again someone will ask me 'why do you talk about being gay, I don't introduce myself as being heterosexual'.  Or simply say 'someone being gay doesn't hit my radar I don't announce I'm heterosexual'.  Most people who know me know that I don't introduce myself as Adele, quickly followed by I'm gay.

It does however cause me to think deeply when people say they don't introduce themselves as heterosexual.  I question myself, do I really make too big a deal of it when others don't see it that way.  Am I, instead of helping to reduce stigma and educate people, actually putting a lens where it is not required.  On reflection however the answer for me is consistently 'no', there is a difference.  I long for the day that this difference doesn't exist yet for now it does and this is one of the reasons I have created this blog and continue to share stories. 

People will often ask a gay person when did they 'come out'.  We differentiate straight and gay people by requiring a gay person to 'announce' their sexuality.  In fact that is not exactly what we do, as a society in general we make an automatic assumption that people are straight until we are told otherwise.  Also when it comes to that moment of 'coming out' it is actually not a moment in time and one event that is finished and over once completed.  It is actually something that goes on for your entire life.  What does this have to do with parenting?  Once you have children it is something that your children are required to do in a sense on your behalf.  That might sound unusual and not something you've thought about before however it is true. 

I can give so many examples of how being gay comes up in conversation that seems and is completely unnecessary and definitely unrelated.  You actually find yourself 'coming out' over and over.  So why does it come up when I or Monique are talking to health professionals, colleagues, acquaintances, tradespeople, shop attendants and the list is endless?


Here are some real life examples that Monique and I have experienced.

I was in hospital a few weeks ago, I said my partner was coming to collect me and the nurse said to just let her know when he arrived.

Someone comes to quote for some work on our roof.  The guy quoting keeps saying to Monique that when she has spoken to her husband to get back to him.

Before a meeting at work people are casually chatting about their weekend I might mention my partner.  Small talk moves on to me being asked what does he do.

Out shopping with Bae and we were buying a piece of jewellery for Monique.  The shop attendant made an understandable assumption that the jewellery we were buying was for me and made a comment about what a lovely daddy Bae must have for him to buy me this necklace. 

We've also had the question, more than once, are we sisters or relatives. 

I understand the automatic assumption of heterosexuality the question that this raises for both Monique and I is do we disclose that in fact our partner is female or do we just let it slide.  Each time something like this happens (and it happens more frequently than you would think) I have to make a decision; do I correct the person or do I just leave it.  Those people who read my blog and are gay will easily relate to situations like this.  Those people who are straight can I suggest you try considering for a moment if someone assumed your partner was the same gender as you often.  

What goes through my head in that split second or few minutes, depending on the circumstances, are quite a number of decisions.  Firstly should I disclose this information?   Is it relevant?  Is not correcting, especially when we are with our children, interpreted by them as being ashamed of our family?  Is there a risk with disclosing?  You never know what someone's beliefs are, and if they are in your home such as a tradesperson, could you be putting yourself or your family at risk?  Am I going to be in contact with this person again and is it right to let them know to save future embarrassment/discomfort etc. for them?

The list goes on and I hope that gives you some idea of why being gay, no matter how much we would like it to be irrelevant, isn't.  Our sexuality is part of who we are, gay, straight and everything in between, it is not the whole of us.  However our society is so strongly geared towards assumed heterosexuality and therefore seeming unrelated situations and circumstances leave us in a situation where we need to make a choice whether to disclose our sexuality or not and often this is to strangers or acquaintances. 

This article also made me reflect on the journey of my book and its relevance.  As the author so rightly points out, being a gay parent is much more about being a parent than being a gay parent.  Yet wish as we might that having gay parents does not impact on our children's lives I believe this is not yet possible.  It is not the overwhelming majority of our focus by any means however it is reality and it will continue to be so for now. 

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

What is a positive, caring sexual relationship?

"KAP leader and son of the party’s founder, Robert ‘Robbie’ Katter, argued that the harm done by early sexualisation of children by exposure to “adult sexual behaviour” could damage the “foundation they need to become adults who are capable of forming positive, caring sexual relationships”."

Proposal to limit advertising

So what type of advertising do you think is reasonable in public.  I don't see anyway to limit the audience and therefore we need to consider public only.  What I find absolutely astounding is that groups such as the KAP, PUP and ACL believe that children should not be 'exposed' to sexualised advertising.   SERIOUSLY?  We need to be clear what the ACL et. al. are trying to avoid.  It is not sexualised advertising, it is anything that reflects non-heterosexual advertising. 

There is sexualised advertising everywhere. 

Here is a few

When was the last time you saw a woman draped over a car? 
When was the last time you saw a women in an unbuttoned shirt or underwear - selling something that isn't clothes? 
When was the last time you saw a man, half naked selling some inanimate object or person product? 

We see sexualised advertising everywhere.  What we see is hetero-normative and therefore something we either don't register or do not see on the 'offensive' or 'questionable' spectrum. The first sign of a homosexual relationship in advertising causes an uproar.  Is this not a fundamental concern? 

Your thoughts are welcome. 

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Putting a call out for your ideas or ideas from your friends

The bare bones of my book are continuing to take shape.  What I am seeking from anyone who reads my blog is input or ideas into some of the themes or chapters.  If you have nothing to add or don't feel like putting your thoughts out there quite yet please keep reading anyway and another way you can assist is by helping me share this blog with your connections.  This will hopefully help me get a balanced view and a range of opinions from many people.

You might be wondering what type of ideas and comments I am looking for.  It's really anything; if you are parents, teachers, grandparents, parents to be and either have questions or comments to make please just go for it.  This is not exclusively for gay people only, everyone's opinions are welcome*.  

The list of chapters has not changed but here is a reminder.  Any and all thoughts are welcome no matter how left field they might seem. 

1. Introduction
2. Family Structures 
3. Conception and Pregnancy
4. Birth
5. Families and Friends 
6. A child, two or more
7. Day Care and School
8. Special Occasions and Celebrations
9. Those situations 
10. Those conversations
11. Legal
12. For teachers and carers
13. For grandparents
14. For those wanting to know more about our families 
15. Marriage Equality 
16. Q and A 
17. The views of our children 
18. Conclusion

*only exception is hateful, offensive statements which are not constructive and do not add to the purpose of this blog.

 


Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Why take the easy road?

Look into those beautiful eyes
Zachary's eyes are like big deep pools you could get lost in, very similar to the dark brown eyes of our son.  How could a parent even contemplate harming him; let alone kill him because she thought he may be gay.

May we never forget his name and may we never forget the reason he died.   Homophobia is like a tangled far reaching web that seeps into every day lives despite what many people would prefer to believe or see.  It's very easy to not see homophobia as an issue in the world most of us live.  Day to day we don't necessarily see the impacts of homophobia, these impacts are not in our face to demonstrate what damage it can and does do.  This little person Zachary was unable to protect himself from the homophobia that drove his mother to kill him.  Admittedly she was a violent woman it seems, but he is dead because of homophobia.  It is easier to take the focus from what happened to Zachary and move on in our every day lives.  Let's not take the easy road, Zachary certainly didn't and we owe it to him to take our minds to that unthinkable place.

So here we go.  On the surface homophobia killed Zachary because his mother reacted to what she saw in him.  She thought he was gay and that was something she didn't want to face and killing him was the answer.  Honestly though I have no idea why she killed him, really none of us do; she was a violent woman who harmed her other children also.  Regardless it raises a discussion that needs to be had.  Even the mere thought that he died because his mother thought he was gay is enough for us to look at homophobia in general.

What does homophobia taint?  It taints the thoughts and lives of many people, it may be you, it may be the people in your circle of friends but have no doubt there are people in your lives that are homophobic.  From the extreme Westboro Baptist Church "God hates fags" to the "I'm OK with gay people as long as it doesn't touch my life directly" i.e. a child/parent/sibling/friend.  Is homophobia too strong a word?  No it's not.  It's more comforting to believe that the root of the concern is not homophobia but again that is the easy road and dismisses the facts.  Many law makers will stress they are not homophobic however they do not support full equal rights.  If that isn't homophobia what is it?  It is the belief that same-sex attraction is in some way lesser that heterosexuality and deserving of different legal rights. That people who are same-sex attracted can live their lives quietly as long as 'they' don't expect to have full equality.  It is homophobia and it leads people to believe that their hate crimes have some level of justification.  Zachary, Matthew Sheppard and many others have died because homosexuality was seen as abhorrent; something to kill over.

What relationship does this have to equal rights, what difference would equal rights in marriage and beyond make?  The difference they make is that through equal rights and laws society makes a clear statement and over time that statement molds what is acceptable and what is not.  Facts do not change the opinion of people it is emotions that do.  Emotionally we have to make homophobia and in turn inequality unacceptable.  If we look at the past major human rights movements; women's rights, indigenous rights, apartheid etc. it wasn't until collectively society said "we do not accept that these people are treated differently and have different basic human rights" that change occurred.  Marriage rights are not the beginning of the equal rights movement for homosexuals and it is not the end of the movement however it will make a difference as large as the right to vote for women and the removal of apartheid. 

Marriage rights may seem to the every day person as not important and really not something that will force a quantum shift in our society - that is so wrong.  Marriage rights are the tipping point, they are the trigger that will help exponentially in moving us from a society that is disgusted and shocked by hate crimes to a society that actively protects the rights of homosexuals.

RIP Zachary; I will not stop speaking on your behalf and I urge my friends not to also. 

A


© Adele Fisher 2014

Where do the months go? To tell or not to tell?

So here we are on April 1.  I've managed so far to not be April Fooled but then I've barely left the house.  I hope you are all just as lucky or have had a good laugh.

Where has the time gone since my last post?  Family life hey?

More food for thought for my book.  Our son had a friend sleep over recently.  We had a great chat with the friend's mother about discussing the topic of our son having 2 mothers.  Now I appreciate a lot of people don't see this as an issue on the surface but no matter how accepted we are there are still circumstances that need to be considered so to speak.  It raises the question, what does the parent of the child do?  Let him know that he is going to a house where there are two mums who will sleep in the same bed etc. or leave it be because it's no big deal.  I personally am a little conflicted on the approach, which will obviously be different for every child.  My inner equality rebel says, NO, nothing should need to be discussed a family, is a family, is a family regardless of the makeup.

However I get that there could be some young children who, raised in the heteronormative society that we live in might be a little confused heading off for a sleep over to find two mums.  Clearly we want our kids to be comfortable and our kids friends so a little heads up just to check all is good seems like an OK plan to me.

I recall arranging our daughter's first play date in daycare and 'coming out' to the mother on the other end of the phone.  Who, thankfully, was completely fine, as are most people.  There was that chance though that the family may have been strictly against gay people and not want their children 'exposed'.  While it sounds so strange for me to say, I don't doubt there are people who fit this category.  We all know there are people who fit this category.  Thankfully the greater majority do not.  Who was I to know that the family weren't some worshipers from the Fred Phelps Westboro Baptist Church! 

As we got talking with the mother of the boy who came over she was fantastic and shared that a chat had occurred with their son.  It was really nice to be able to speak with a parent who felt comfortable enough to say that she and her husband had thought about just letting their son know in case he wasn't aware or wanted to ask other questions.

I've also found myself recently having conversations with people who I find so accepting about same-sex relationships and families but as individuals and as parents they do want to talk about some of the not so obvious details.  When we've talked I hear that they do have questions and feel somewhat uninformed, not through purposeful ignorance but simply a desire to understand more.  Even something as simple as what our children call us is a very valid question and I want people to feel comfortable to ask the questions and not be shy.

This is a key area of my book.  Let's understand together what is helpful information, what questions people do have on their mind, not in any negative way but instead just wanting to know more.  I truly believe before we make it to complete cultural acceptance we need to go through a phase of open communication where people can feel free to ask and learn more.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

A

© Adele Fisher 2014 

Back to school

So now it's time to head back to school for the new school year. One in grade 3 and one in grade 5. The school knows us well by now and generally speaking there haven't been any issues. Both kids have faced the firm retort from a school peer saying there is no way they can have two mums. Our eldest handled that well, explaining different family structures to demonstrate it was actually possible. Our youngest had a harder time in prep when telling peers he had 2 mums. Kids laughed at him, told him it wasn't possible and so on. 

The hardest thing for us was he didn't tell us until much later. It was after the end of the year when somehow the conversation came up and he told us of what had happened. His response to this treatment was to never discuss his parents at school again for the whole year. Oh how our hearts broke when we heard that. To think he soldiered through the year at the age of 5 keeping his family structure out of the conversation. Our job is to arm our kids with tools to handle situations or to step in and help if needed and it's heartbreaking to think he toughed it out alone. 

Reflection is such a wonderful thing. With hindsight we would have checked in with him during the year on that specific topic. We believe we have very open two way communication with our kids and I can only guess he didn't want to hurt us so kept this to himself. 

So many people tell us how mainstream same sex headed families are today and in part I agree. We've come an incredibly far way, however there are still people who have never knowingly interacted with gay people and families and those who are deeply critical and/or homophobic. The feeling expressed by these people slap you in the face and bring you crashing back down to earth when you realise how deep their feelings run sometimes. I feel confident as adults most of us can generally tolerate the hate and ignorance but what about our children?  It is for them we must continue to seek further change. 

A

Introduction taking shape

My introduction is starting to take shape, all comments welcome.

1. Introduction 

I feel I hardly need to explain what prompted this book.  I’ll share with you though in case you are wondering what the reasons were specifically for me.  I consider that we were somewhere at the forefront of the gayby boom in Australia and even more so in Queensland.  That’s not to say that there weren’t countless families with at least one gay or lesbian parent already when we decided we wanted to start a family.  I expect there were families in the more ‘gay friendly’ parts of Australia even.  We though have found ourselves navigating many firsts. 

The birth of our daughter and the fact of her having two mothers was something some staff at the hospital had some difficulty with.  When we enrolled her in daycare it was the first time the daycare which had been open for 17 years had an openly lesbian couple with a child at the daycare and the same occurred when our daughter started school. 

Having those experiences now far in the past for us but actually occurring relatively recently, being since 2003, I have continued to find that although we are surrounded by a bubble of friends and family who are very accepting of our family that it is still not unusual to face situations which are awkward or ‘firsts’ for us.  Deciding that we cannot be alone with this and knowing the interest that people having shown in different ways we and other lesbian families handle a range of circumstances I felt it was time to embark on a book.  A book whose roots start in Australia and sharing the common experience of Australians as this is lacking in the resources available to families such as mine.  A book I hope will interest a variety of people interested in learning more. 

The aim of this book is to be a resource for many people.  Lesbian families, parents and children, and families to be, their extended families and finally a resource for teachers, daycare providers and anyone else who wants to learn more about how normal our families are alongside challenges we face.  Heteronormativity is a concept I will talk about many times throughout this book.  That is the unconscious bias within society where the social norms are related to a heterosexual model only and those that fall outside of this model are often not even considered.  Something as simple as filling out a form that lists options of mother and father only. 

Finally it is a book of promise and hope for where we can be in the future.  A place where our families are so much a part of the social fabric that there is no longer a need for books such as this one.  

A 

© Adele Fisher 2014