Your time now!

It's time for you to request  a topic or questions.  Join in, there is barely a topic that is out of bounds.  Let me hear your questions or items you would like to explore further.  If you don't feel comfortable to put it openly on the page, message me and I will include it in a topic. 

A

Nature, nurture or neither?

Over the years I have spent a lot of time discussing with people the importance of proving that being gay was not a choice and that looking for the genetic 'cause' was key to achieving equality.  Surely if it were proven that we had no choice in the matter the bigotry and discrimination would have to cease.  Just like the colour of our hair, eyes and skin; if we didn't choose, how can we be considered bad, wrong, disordered, ungodly or any of the other terms used to describe people in the LGB community and how could people continue to suggest that we need to be 'cured' or change our 'lifestyle choice'. 

I strongly argued the value of finding the 'gay gene' and the genetic answer to this seemingly essential question. I debated and discussed with people who had a different opinion and didn't feel a need to find a cause so to speak.  I was always unsure how they could feel this way, surely they understood how helpful this would be?  Groundbreaking? The key to everything?  Utopia.

I am now less convinced about how important this actually is and whether it would be beneficial or potentially harmful to find an elusive gene.  Let's consider if it were medically proven that being gay was actually genetic.  Where would that leave us?  Potentially it would leave us in a position where it could be considered a defect and therefore something to be medicated, treated and cured.

What are my thoughts now?  Is it a choice?  Does it matter?  I don't believe it does.  Should we be hunting for a genetic answer - I don't know.  I actually believe sexuality is on a spectrum and just like so many variants in life people are spread along a broad range of possibilities and the possibilities are endless and unique to each individual - as unique as our fingerprint.  Just as a straight person is unable to pin point the moment they chose to be straight and why they are attracted to a certain person, I believe it is the same across the spectrum of sexuality.  When you fall in love it is indeed with a person not a gender. 

What do we know?  Painting a boy's toenails or fingernails will not make him gay.  A young girl who prefers to play with trucks will not be a lesbian as a result of this.  You cannot turn someone gay.  Allowing a child, youth or adult to be themselves and love who they love will help them have a strong sense of self and will directly reduce the amount of self harm and suicide. 

This is something we can all do to make a difference and that should be where our efforts as a society are going.  Stop discrimination and fight homophobia.  Acknowledging that some people are same-sex attracted, others attracted to their opposite sex and every possible gender and sexuality variation in between is the ideal approach we can take.  Why?  It will save lives.  We are not seeking the straight gene and therefore there is no reason to seek the gay one. 

Thoughts? 

A

Adele Fisher Copyright 2014

What is a positive, caring sexual relationship?

"KAP leader and son of the party’s founder, Robert ‘Robbie’ Katter, argued that the harm done by early sexualisation of children by exposure to “adult sexual behaviour” could damage the “foundation they need to become adults who are capable of forming positive, caring sexual relationships”."

Proposal to limit advertising

So what type of advertising do you think is reasonable in public.  I don't see anyway to limit the audience and therefore we need to consider public only.  What I find absolutely astounding is that groups such as the KAP, PUP and ACL believe that children should not be 'exposed' to sexualised advertising.   SERIOUSLY?  We need to be clear what the ACL et. al. are trying to avoid.  It is not sexualised advertising, it is anything that reflects non-heterosexual advertising. 

There is sexualised advertising everywhere. 

Here is a few

When was the last time you saw a woman draped over a car? 
When was the last time you saw a women in an unbuttoned shirt or underwear - selling something that isn't clothes? 
When was the last time you saw a man, half naked selling some inanimate object or person product? 

We see sexualised advertising everywhere.  What we see is hetero-normative and therefore something we either don't register or do not see on the 'offensive' or 'questionable' spectrum. The first sign of a homosexual relationship in advertising causes an uproar.  Is this not a fundamental concern? 

Your thoughts are welcome. 

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Time to reveal my logo/brand image!  Thank you so much to Sharon Hendy-Moman for creating this unique image for me to use.  When I asked Sharon to create me an image that I could use to brand my writing we talked about some ideas however I knew Sharon would create the perfect image and she has.  Here is what she said about creating it.

"My impression of you is that you stand proud and tall. This is always without waver. Your love for your family is immense. I love reading over your blog and to me you are an educator. The open way in which you generously share your life by answering questions and dispelling myth and mystery is very powerful. I was particularly taken with the way in which your family celebrates Father's day. I love the idea that a generous man 'planted a seed' that allowed the four of you to become a family. It was this idea of nurturing love, planting seeds, growing acceptance and standing tall that allowed me to arrive at this elegant tribute as your logo. As a viewer, you should be able to feel growth of knowledge and appreciate the orderly way in which the leaves fall to the ground. There is no chaos - just simple harmony."

If you are ever looking for some amazing art work please consider Sharon.  You can find her on Facebook at Art By Sharon Hendy Moman.

https://www.facebook.com/artbysharonhendymoman?fref=ts

10 things that you might want to ask same-sex parents?

Do you have a list of questions?  If you felt no shame, embarrassment or hesitation in asking questions of same-sex parents what would they be?  Add them to the comment section.  Don't be shy. 

As a same-sex parent here are the questions that I think people may like to ask; well to be honest it is the questions we have been asked.

1. How did you have the child/children? 
2. No, really how did you have them?  Not what type of birth but did you use IVF or were they from a previous heterosexual relationship or did you use the 'turkey baster'?  
3. What does your child/children call you?  Is there a 'mummy' role or 'daddy' role?  
4. What do you tell your child/children about their other biological parent? 
5. Does your child/children have a relationship with their other biological parent? 
6. Are the children related?  
7. How did you go enrolling them in school? 
8. How do you go with other families understanding your family?  
9. What do your family think? 
10. What do you do with Mothers Day or Fathers Day? 

Would you like me to answer these questions to get us started?  I'll answer them and I'd like you to add your questions or if you are a same-sex parented family perhaps you have different answers.

1. Monique and I had our children once we were together.  Monique had our daughter and I gave birth to our son.  
2. We used IUI (Interuterine Insemmination).  Something that is not part of every day conversation but very popular with assisted fertility treatments (ART).  We went to http://qfg.com.au/.  The process was not easy.  Monique had blood tests day after day until her hormone levels were right  every month followed by IUI.  This went on for 18 months.  36 back to back attempts.  Monique says to this day that it was like she was being treated for an illness not attempting to have a baby.  When she was pregnant, we couldn't believe it.  I had 5 months of similar attempts followed by a miscarriage and then another 6 before a pregnancy that lasted to full term.  We both had HCG injections which I gave Monique and myself and we had other medication prescribed by our gynaecologist/obstetrician. 
3. We are mummy (Monique) and mama (Adele).  We have heard so many variations and would love to here more in the comments.  
4. Our children both know there is a wonderful man who helped us become a family.  They also know they will never meet him.  We made a conscious decision to have a donor who was not seeking involvement in the future.  Our rationale behind this was two fold.  Firstly we think it is hard enough to keep two parents together raising children.  Secondly the way the laws in Queensland were at the time (I don't think they have changed yet but expect they will) a donor had the choice to be known and at anytime withdraw this.  That would mean if we had chosen a known donor we could have told the children for years that they would eventually meet their father and then he could withdraw this consent.  A risk we weren't willing to take.  Our children celebrate their father.  Every Father's day they release a balloon each with a note to thank the man who helped us become a family.  Interestingly in the time we had our children, donors got to choose if they were willing to donate to same-sex couples.  In Brisbane at that time the number of men who were willing to donate to same-sex couples was not high.  It makes that man even more special.  
5. No
6. Yes our children are related.  They have the same donor father and different mothers.  It was initially very important to us that the children have the same father which completed our family circle - in some way we were all related.  After such a long period of trying to have children though, to be honest, it was less important.  Even though it was less important we are very glad they have the same donor father.  
7. No issue enrolling in school.  Interestingly we were the first known same-sex parents in the daycare (it had been operational for 17 years) and the first known same-sex parents at the school (it had been operational for over 120 years).  One of the best experiences we have had both from the daycare and the school is that both places were willing to work with us if there was an issue.  We both did a lot of research before having children, one of the key issues was that children had no issue if their peers teased them about their family structure however if they had teachers that struggled to cope with their parents or family structure, that impacted them significantly.  
8. We have never had a major issue with family members.  We know many people who have.  We have been pleasantly surprised by so many and we have experienced people who keep their views to themselves.  
9. Similar to the question above.  Probably if we go back to before children.  It is always a shock for family members to have their heteronormative picture altered.  Some are ok, others aren't and then there is the group that on the surface are OK but lobby other family members.  They are the group I struggle most with.  Honesty is very important.  
10. Mother's Day and Father's Day are very special days for us.  We have a rule in our household that Mother's day gifts must be handmade.  Each of us get a day for Mother's Day.  Father's day is equally as special.  We celebrate wonderful men in the children's lives including their grandfathers.  We also honour their father.  We never pretend he doesn't exist or speak of him poorly.  He is what made us a family.  We have always been blessed by the day care and school in that they double up for Mothers Day.  

A side note about donors.  There was a great friend of mine that adopted her children except for one.  She never wanted adoption to be seen as a negative.  So from the moment they adopted their children they talked about how lucky they were that someone allowed them to adopt.  They made it a positive word.  That is what gave us the idea to make sure that donor was never a negative, that the children's father was never negative.  He is a wonderful man and he is always considered positively in our home.

 
Over to you........

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Where do the months go? To tell or not to tell?

So here we are on April 1.  I've managed so far to not be April Fooled but then I've barely left the house.  I hope you are all just as lucky or have had a good laugh.

Where has the time gone since my last post?  Family life hey?

More food for thought for my book.  Our son had a friend sleep over recently.  We had a great chat with the friend's mother about discussing the topic of our son having 2 mothers.  Now I appreciate a lot of people don't see this as an issue on the surface but no matter how accepted we are there are still circumstances that need to be considered so to speak.  It raises the question, what does the parent of the child do?  Let him know that he is going to a house where there are two mums who will sleep in the same bed etc. or leave it be because it's no big deal.  I personally am a little conflicted on the approach, which will obviously be different for every child.  My inner equality rebel says, NO, nothing should need to be discussed a family, is a family, is a family regardless of the makeup.

However I get that there could be some young children who, raised in the heteronormative society that we live in might be a little confused heading off for a sleep over to find two mums.  Clearly we want our kids to be comfortable and our kids friends so a little heads up just to check all is good seems like an OK plan to me.

I recall arranging our daughter's first play date in daycare and 'coming out' to the mother on the other end of the phone.  Who, thankfully, was completely fine, as are most people.  There was that chance though that the family may have been strictly against gay people and not want their children 'exposed'.  While it sounds so strange for me to say, I don't doubt there are people who fit this category.  We all know there are people who fit this category.  Thankfully the greater majority do not.  Who was I to know that the family weren't some worshipers from the Fred Phelps Westboro Baptist Church! 

As we got talking with the mother of the boy who came over she was fantastic and shared that a chat had occurred with their son.  It was really nice to be able to speak with a parent who felt comfortable enough to say that she and her husband had thought about just letting their son know in case he wasn't aware or wanted to ask other questions.

I've also found myself recently having conversations with people who I find so accepting about same-sex relationships and families but as individuals and as parents they do want to talk about some of the not so obvious details.  When we've talked I hear that they do have questions and feel somewhat uninformed, not through purposeful ignorance but simply a desire to understand more.  Even something as simple as what our children call us is a very valid question and I want people to feel comfortable to ask the questions and not be shy.

This is a key area of my book.  Let's understand together what is helpful information, what questions people do have on their mind, not in any negative way but instead just wanting to know more.  I truly believe before we make it to complete cultural acceptance we need to go through a phase of open communication where people can feel free to ask and learn more.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

A

© Adele Fisher 2014 

Introduction taking shape

My introduction is starting to take shape, all comments welcome.

1. Introduction 

I feel I hardly need to explain what prompted this book.  I’ll share with you though in case you are wondering what the reasons were specifically for me.  I consider that we were somewhere at the forefront of the gayby boom in Australia and even more so in Queensland.  That’s not to say that there weren’t countless families with at least one gay or lesbian parent already when we decided we wanted to start a family.  I expect there were families in the more ‘gay friendly’ parts of Australia even.  We though have found ourselves navigating many firsts. 

The birth of our daughter and the fact of her having two mothers was something some staff at the hospital had some difficulty with.  When we enrolled her in daycare it was the first time the daycare which had been open for 17 years had an openly lesbian couple with a child at the daycare and the same occurred when our daughter started school. 

Having those experiences now far in the past for us but actually occurring relatively recently, being since 2003, I have continued to find that although we are surrounded by a bubble of friends and family who are very accepting of our family that it is still not unusual to face situations which are awkward or ‘firsts’ for us.  Deciding that we cannot be alone with this and knowing the interest that people having shown in different ways we and other lesbian families handle a range of circumstances I felt it was time to embark on a book.  A book whose roots start in Australia and sharing the common experience of Australians as this is lacking in the resources available to families such as mine.  A book I hope will interest a variety of people interested in learning more. 

The aim of this book is to be a resource for many people.  Lesbian families, parents and children, and families to be, their extended families and finally a resource for teachers, daycare providers and anyone else who wants to learn more about how normal our families are alongside challenges we face.  Heteronormativity is a concept I will talk about many times throughout this book.  That is the unconscious bias within society where the social norms are related to a heterosexual model only and those that fall outside of this model are often not even considered.  Something as simple as filling out a form that lists options of mother and father only. 

Finally it is a book of promise and hope for where we can be in the future.  A place where our families are so much a part of the social fabric that there is no longer a need for books such as this one.  

A 

© Adele Fisher 2014

I am going to write a book based primarily on the Australian experience and I hope that in time as this journey progresses, you will start to add comments and ideas to my posts.  I have so many ideas for this book swirling around my mind and there are so many directions I can take it in and so many concepts I could cover, however if I go down every possible path the book will never be completed.  So I have set myself a goal.

It's a time goal and that time goal is I will have the content of this book finished by the end of 2014.  It may still require editing and other work but the manuscript will be complete by the end of this year.

I am still happy with the contents and chapters outlined in my previous posts.

For those who are reading, thank you.  Just knowing that there are people like you who want a book like this one to come to life is what will keep me writing.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Ill share!

While I have been thinking about writing this book I have recalled so many funny moments we have had along the way.  I thought I would share some of them with you and you might have some you'd like to share.  Please take the time to look at my other blog posts in case you have thoughts to share.

The getting pregnant part for us had many heartbreaking and may hilarious moments.

I remember being referred to as 'A social situation' by one receptionist needless to say we didn't go to that doctor in the end.

I remember landing at the airport after being away for a business trip, and it being 'the time' to go to the clinic, so Monique picked me up mid afternoon at the airport and we drove straight to the clinic.  Nothing like being on a plane one hour and going through IUI the next hour!

I remember one doctor having lost the vial of sperm.  Seriously how do you lose that???  Only to find he had it in his pocket!

There were and are so many occasions that make us laugh.  Our daughter explaining her family tree to the cashier at the fruit shop and the cashier not knowing what to say or where to look.  The vacuum sales man who would just not get the idea that I didn't have a 'husband' to discuss the purchase with.

What funny experiences have you had?


A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

5 Specific questions for you - yes you!

A couple of weeks ago I did a post that was about 10 questions for families with LGBTI parents.  I really appreciated everyone's input.  This time I would like to ask you questions (I've included questions for the non-LGBTI people too, no discrimination here!  ;-)  ) and open up the chance for you to ask any questions you would like when it comes to parenting as an LGBTI person or anything else that might be of interest. 

If you are LGBTI and have children can you answer a couple of questions for me? 

1. what have been your three biggest parenting challenges as a lesbian?  
2. what are two difficult questions your children have asked you about their family structure? 
3. what are two difficult questions someone else has asked you about your kids or your family? 
4. did you have your children within a lesbian/gay relationship?  
5. how old are your children?

If you are straight and have children can you answer these questions for me?

1. have your children got peers whose parents are lesbian/gay? 
2. do you have lesbian/gay family members?  
3. if you have a gay/lesbian child have they had good support either at school or in the workplace and from peers? 
4. have you talked to your kids about various family structures?  What information would help you do this? 
5. how old are your children?

Can't wait to hear your feedback!

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

Introduction nearly complete and new chapter list

Slowly I am moving ahead with the book.  No comments yet on my blog so far but please feel free to read and comment.

More chapters have been added and the introduction is nearly written.

Here is the new list of chapters

1. Introduction
2. Family Structures 
3. Conception and Pregnancy
4. Birth
5. Families and Friends 
6. A child, two or more
7. Day Care and School
8. Special Occasions and Celebrations
9. Those situations 
10. Those conversations
11. Legal
12. For teachers and carers
13. For grandparents
14. For those wanting to know more about our families 
15. Marriage Equality 
16. Q and A 
17. The views of our children 
18. Conclusion 

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

Link to my previously published articles

Here is a link to the articles I wrote and had published in the Queensland Pride Magazine

My Articles



Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

Day 1 of writing a book - Lesbian Parenting

Today is day one of me seriously planning to write a book.  It's an idea that I've had in my mind for many years and now I believe the time has come.  What's my great plan?  Well it starts here and it starts with you.  I want your input and thoughts as I move forward with this book. 

I am going to share with you what I am doing, where I am up to, what is working well, not so well and everything in between.

Here is step one I'm finding out what people actually want in a book on lesbian parenting.  So to start I have contacted a range of my Facebook friends for some starting ideas.

"Hi everyone. I've decided to take the plunge and do something I've always wanted to do i.e. write a book. I intend to write fiction but first I will be starting with an e-book about lesbian parenting. I am sending this message to you because you are all people who I expect might have an opinion on this or know what might be helpful to others. I have included people without children, with children, different stages of child rearing and different ways in which children were brought into our lives to get broad feedback. I hope by inviting you to comment I am not touching on a topic that brings you hurt. Please know that is certainly something I would never want to do as I respect each of you so much. Australia is lacking resources and information for lesbian parents so I'd really like to know what type of topics do you think would be helpful. So throw you ideas at me including: topics, style, issues, funny moments, and so on. Please feel free to forward this to anyone who might have an opinion or ideas to share. I can be contacted either via Facebook or adele000@gmail.com." 

I ask of you the same thing.  Share with me your thoughts and ideas.  While I am focusing on producing a book with an Australian focus I hope it will be valuable to others around the world also.  

Bring on your comments!  

A 

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014