6 of the best questions to answer!

A friend of mine shared this video by Wayne Goss, the make up artist, with me.  I loved it and decided to take the questions from it and answer them myself.  In some areas I agree with the guy in the video and others not so much.  I'd love others to answer these questions also.  

Video 

When did you know you were gay?

It seems like such a mundane question however it is very interesting and I am sure the answer is different for every person.  Like the guy in the video I cannot pinpoint a moment.  I do know I was very open to the idea of gay people from when I moved out of home. My first experience with gay people was meeting friends once I left home and started my nursing training.  I now know that of course it would have been unusual that I had not met gay people before that but it truly was a different time – even though not that long ago and I don’t recall any gay people in my life as a child.  Prior to moving out of home it truly was something I knew nothing about.  Perhaps I am showing my age.  Coming out was (to my knowledge) nothing that happened at my school. My school friends can correct me if I am wrong!  For me it is more of a case of when did I decide to live my life openly and that was when I met Monique.  Meeting my soulmate truly was the moment that I knew my life would be shared with her and I wanted everyone in my life to be part of my happiness.  My love for her made it clear to me that anyone who didn’t support us was not someone I wanted in my life. 

Is being gay a choice?

In a previous blog I talked about the ‘choice’ idea.  For those who didn’t read it I don’t know the answer to this question and I don’t particularly care.  Is being straight a choice?  No idea.  I’d love to hear the opinion of straight and gay people on this question. 

Should I ask my son, daughter, friend if they are gay?

I say no.  You can demonstrate that you are open and would be accepting without asking someone outright.  Especially parents, you can easily show your children that you support gay people and do not discriminate.  It actually is a deeply personal question.  By asking the question directly, not only do you risk putting someone in a difficult situation and making your relationship uncomfortable, but it is really a personal decision for someone to decide what the right time for them is. 

Should everyone come out?

My first reaction to this is a resounding ‘yes’.  However I’m really reflecting that from my own experience and circumstances.  As the guy in the video said, respecting your surrounding and circumstances is important.  If coming out would put you at risk you may choose not to.  I so wish that there wasn’t a circumstance that someone coming out would put them at risk.  Unfortunately that is not the world we live in.  Coming out in some countries would put an individual’s life at risk, other countries imprisonment and other criminal punishment.  Interestingly we don’t often think there is a risk to someone in countries such as Australia, the UK and America for coming out.  In most cases this is true however it is sadly too common for harm to come to people when they come out in these countries.  Parents have murdered their children for being gay, in fact for the mere thought that they may be gay.  People have been killed and physically assaulted because others either knew or thought they were gay.  Bullying is far too common and friends and family ending relationships with someone because they are gay happen too frequently as well.  So while I would love to hope that everyone could not only come out, but that coming out would be either not necessary just like people do not announce they are straight or that it would cause no negative reaction, that is not where we are right now. 

Ultimately it is the choice of the individual however I worry sometimes the difficulty and emotional harm people face by not being their authentic selves with people important to them.  I personally think that would be torturous and how hard it must be to maintain a facade. 

Have you ever had a bad reaction from friends/family?

The simple answer is yes and out of respect for those people I will not share the details publically on this blog.  Relationships have been strained and ended as a result.  It’s interesting though, in my experience and in Monique’s, often it is the people who you think will be OK that struggle and the ones that you think will not accept you that do in fact embrace you.  It is definitely not easy and far too many relationships are ended due to people not being able to cope with the idea that their friend or relative is gay.  Eye opening and very sad.  Times change and I hope that more and more people do not experience situations where they lose friends and family over being gay.  It’s strange to say how much respect I have for the people in my life who have stood by me from day 1, I wish it wasn’t something that was even a consideration, but it is.  I am thankful to those people. 

Any Advice?

If you are straight know how important it is to support people in anyway that is right for you.  Straight allies signing petitions, standing by our sides at rallies and taking our word for how important legal changes are fills me with hope.  Society will continue to change for the better when straight and gay people are side by side fighting discrimination and supporting equality. 

If you are gay – trust yourself and love yourself.  You are the person you are meant to be – live it if you can. 

Any of my gay friends or gay people who read this blog or Facebook page want to answer the same questions?  I’d love to hear your viewpoint. I've put the questions below so it is easy for you to copy them. 

When did you know you were gay?

Is being gay a choice?

Should I ask my son, daughter, friend if they are gay?

Should everyone come out?

Have you ever had a bad reaction from friends/family?

Any Advice?

A

Adele Fisher Copyright 2014 

Nature, nurture or neither?

Over the years I have spent a lot of time discussing with people the importance of proving that being gay was not a choice and that looking for the genetic 'cause' was key to achieving equality.  Surely if it were proven that we had no choice in the matter the bigotry and discrimination would have to cease.  Just like the colour of our hair, eyes and skin; if we didn't choose, how can we be considered bad, wrong, disordered, ungodly or any of the other terms used to describe people in the LGB community and how could people continue to suggest that we need to be 'cured' or change our 'lifestyle choice'. 

I strongly argued the value of finding the 'gay gene' and the genetic answer to this seemingly essential question. I debated and discussed with people who had a different opinion and didn't feel a need to find a cause so to speak.  I was always unsure how they could feel this way, surely they understood how helpful this would be?  Groundbreaking? The key to everything?  Utopia.

I am now less convinced about how important this actually is and whether it would be beneficial or potentially harmful to find an elusive gene.  Let's consider if it were medically proven that being gay was actually genetic.  Where would that leave us?  Potentially it would leave us in a position where it could be considered a defect and therefore something to be medicated, treated and cured.

What are my thoughts now?  Is it a choice?  Does it matter?  I don't believe it does.  Should we be hunting for a genetic answer - I don't know.  I actually believe sexuality is on a spectrum and just like so many variants in life people are spread along a broad range of possibilities and the possibilities are endless and unique to each individual - as unique as our fingerprint.  Just as a straight person is unable to pin point the moment they chose to be straight and why they are attracted to a certain person, I believe it is the same across the spectrum of sexuality.  When you fall in love it is indeed with a person not a gender. 

What do we know?  Painting a boy's toenails or fingernails will not make him gay.  A young girl who prefers to play with trucks will not be a lesbian as a result of this.  You cannot turn someone gay.  Allowing a child, youth or adult to be themselves and love who they love will help them have a strong sense of self and will directly reduce the amount of self harm and suicide. 

This is something we can all do to make a difference and that should be where our efforts as a society are going.  Stop discrimination and fight homophobia.  Acknowledging that some people are same-sex attracted, others attracted to their opposite sex and every possible gender and sexuality variation in between is the ideal approach we can take.  Why?  It will save lives.  We are not seeking the straight gene and therefore there is no reason to seek the gay one. 

Thoughts? 

A

Adele Fisher Copyright 2014

Heard of Harvey Milk? Remembering our heros past!

Harvey Milk day is marked this Thursday 22nd May and passed the US senate in 2010.  Have you heard of Harvey Milk?  What about Stuart Milk or the Milk Foundation?

Harvey Milk was an LGBTI hero and leader in the civil rights movement.  There are many brave people who have paved the way for us today and some; Harvey for example gave their life to fight for equal rights. 

I only heard about Harvey Milk a handful of years ago.  I learned he was one of the first openly gay officials elected, this was in the USA and the year was 1977.  He didn't complete a year in office because he was assassinated within his first year in office.  His nephew Stuart Milk was 17 at the time and following in his uncle's bold footsteps moved to ensure that his legacy was not lost and his support of all marginalized groups continued to prosper locally, nationally and globally. While Harvey Milk championed civil right for the LGBTI community he was also a civil and human rights activist.

A commitment to serving a broad constituency, not just LGBT people, helped make Milk an effective and popular supervisor. His ambitious reform agenda included protecting gay rights—he sponsored an important anti-discrimination bill—as well as establishing day care centers for working mothers, the conversion of military facilities in the city to low-cost housing, reform of the tax code to attract industry to deserted warehouses and factories, and other issues. He was a powerful advocate for strong, safe neighborhoods, and pressured the mayor’s administration to improve services for the Castro such as library services, and community policing. In addition, he spoke out on state and national issues of interest to LGBT people, women, racial and ethnic minorities  and other marginalized communities

Stuart commenced the Milk Foundation alongside Harvey's campaign manager Anne Kronenberg.

This quote from Harvey wraps his view up much more clearly than I could. 
In one of his eloquent speeches, Milk spoke of the American ideal of equality, proclaiming, “Gay people, we will not win our rights by staying quietly in our closets. … We are coming out to fight the lies, the myths, the distortions. We are coming out to tell the truths about gays, for I am tired of the conspiracy of silence, so I’m going to talk about it. And I want you to talk about it. You must come out.”

Harvey Milk was fully aware that his life was at risk.  He received up to daily death threats and he prepared himself for the thought that he may be assassinated. 
One of his tapes contained the now-famous statement, “If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door.” His nephew, Stuart Milk, a teenager at the time, and close with his uncle, came out, along with countless others across the nation, on the day his uncle was killed. Shortly after Milk’s death, people marching for gay rights in Washington, D.C., chanted “Harvey Milk lives!”

His murderer was sentence to less than 8 years prison.

All quotes on this page come from Milk Foundation Website    Learn more about Harvey Milk and his legacy  Here

Give Harvey a thought on Thursday and a thank you for all he gave.

A

Adele Fisher Copyright 2014

Why the Special Occasions and Celebrations? Part 1

The first Pride Rally and March I attended was both life changing and life affirming.  I will never forget the overwhelming sense of inclusion and belonging.  To arrive at a park in central Brisbane surrounded by hundreds of LGBTI people and their straight allies was nearly impossible to comprehend.  For the first time ever I was part of the majority.  Everywhere I turned there were people simply being themselves and knowing they were part of the whole on that day.  There are no words to describe how freeing it feels when day in day out you are part of a minority.  The best part of celebrating Pride is that the feeling of inclusion doesn't go away in subsequent years.  It's a day of paradise.  I expect that may sound particularly over the top yet it's not, for me that is precisely how exciting the day is.  The camaraderie and kindness is palpable.

That's what Pride means to me but what is it and why is it held?

A quick online search reveals the following questions and I would expect the majority of LGBTI people have heard the question or been on the receiving end of a similar question.    

"Why do you have gay pride parades?  We don't have straight pride parades.  (And isn't pride a sin?)"

"You never see parades with people almost naked, wearing body glitter, on floats, celebrating how awesome it is being straight do you?" 


"So recently in Australia there was a Gay pride parade. And that made me think so they have a gay pride parade because they're proud to be gay, but if it's all about equality and everyone's the same then why not a straight pride parade also.

P.S I am not discriminating against anyone I think everyone is they same" 

What are these special occasions and celebrations all about?   On the surface they may appear to be celebrations of being gay and free which in part is true.  There is however a long and deeply painful history that has been experienced by the people of the LGBTI community who came before us.  It is this history and the way our forebears suffered and fought for the freedoms we have today that is recognised and celebrated during these events.  The final part of the celebration and protest is that we are not yet experiencing full equality and these events provide the community with channels to highlight where there remains discrimination and inequality.  

The most well known of these events internationally are Pride events.  These are generally held in June although there are some areas that alter the dates due to poor weather.  Why June?  In the early hours of June 28th 1969 there was a police raid of The Stonewall situated in New York City.  Previously police had raided this and other venues where gay people gathered, drank and socialised and usually the venues opened again quickly.  On this night however riots began and they continued for 6 days.  Remember this was a time when it was illegal to be homosexual and homosexuality was considered a mental illness.  There are stories of corruption within the police force and the mafia ownership of the venue.  More Info

What the people at Stonewall chose to do that night was to take a stand, to no longer be invisible and attempt to demonstrate that they were everyday people who should be free to enjoy the company of friends without risk of harassment and persecution for simply being who they were.   The following June a parade was held to commemorate 12 months since the Stonewall riots and that was the birth of Pride marches.  

In answer to why is there a gay pride event and not a straight pride event therefore the answer is both rational and simple.  Straight people do not share this history and are not continuing to this day to seek full equality to varying degrees throughout the globe.   

There is another day, for many a less known one and it's a day which is held to increase awareness and specifically target discrimination, hate crimes and human rights issues for LGBTI people.  This day is called
International Day Against Homophobia & Transphobia or IDAHO for short and is celebrated on 17 May.  This year is the 10th year of IDAHO and it has continued to evolve since it started in 2004.  There is current consideration to expanding the name to something that relates to Gender Diversity.  Events for IDAHO are held in over 120 countries and take many shapes and forms.  With IDAHO being just around the corner you can show your support on 17th May by posting the below image to your social media sites.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014  




 

That's so gay

An update and addition to my previous post about homophobic language.  Has anyone checked out this website?

No Homophobes

It shows an amazing real time view of the use of four terms on social media.  The terms are Faggot, No Homo, Dyke and So Gay.

Just to give you an idea of the volume right now for today the numbers are:

Faggot - 24,835
No Homo - 5,156
Dyke - 3,794
So Gay - 6,706

In the time it took me to write those four numbers Faggot has increased to 24,892 and I'm not a slow typist!

Is it asking to much for everyone of us to start actively addressing casual and vindictive homophobic language?  I think not.  We are all responsible for speaking out against homophobic and transphobic language.   If we don't speak up who will?  By the way Faggot has just reached 25,085 while I am been writing.

Next time you hear one of these words used what will you say?  Will you address it in person and in online communities?  Do you have creative ideas on how to address this type of language?

Youth bullying, suicide and parenting - everyone is responsible for helping whether you accept it or not.

WARNING this post contains offensive language.  

Have you been guilty of saying that if it isn't one thing it will be another thing that children get bullied for?  I know I certainly have.  Have you  or your friends/family used the words; gay, poofter, shirt lifter, queer, butch, dyke, carpet muncher, nellie, poof, bum chum, lesbo, homo and the list goes on and gets weirder, to negatively describe a person or a situation?  What about jokes which stereotype and degrade LGBTI people such as: 

Six mates were seated at the bar, each trying to impress one another with
the size of their dicks. The bragging went on for almost an hour, and the
bartender got tired of hearing that shit, so he said, "Let's put an end to
all this crap and find out who's lying and who isn't. Each of you whip out
your dong and lay it on the bar." All six of then did.
Just at that moment a faggot walked into the bar, and the bartender asked
him if he wanted a drink.
The queer looked down the bar, and in a lisping voice, he said, "No thanks,
I'll just have some of the buffet."

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
Lickalotapus 

I think it is true to say that many of us have heard these terms used as a negative description of something or someone and similar jokes at the very least.  We may have internally cringed but how many of us have said NO, please stop using that language or NO that joke was not funny?  

It might be at this stage of the post I expect some people consider this might not be a big issue.  Words are words right and they can do no or little harm.  Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Whilst teaching our own children not to bully and supporting them when they are bullied is helpful I believe we have a broader responsibility.  This responsibility is to specifically address bulling topics individually, provide our children and young adults with strategies for themselves and help them learn to respect and support their peers and fellow people. Collectively as parents, peers, teachers, family members, friends and school students we can make these words and jokes if not a thing of the past at least something that is not routinely role modeled to children and then replicated by children.  We can make these as offensive to the general public as racist statements and jokes and terms which degrade those with physical or mental injuries/illnesses.  Why?  What I have described are fundamentally part of the individual and therefore it is abhorrent to be used negatively.  

On the subject of youth who are same-sex attracted who takes responsibility for protecting them from this hate and who helps to educate the world?  Are our schools and homes specifically addressing that our own children or their peers may be same-sex attracted? Or are some people uncomfortable having the discussion? If this isn't happening are we actually leaving some of the most at risk youth to fend for themselves? 

This is not all doom, gloom and negativity.  Not only have homophobic attitudes decreased over time but alongside that there are many initiatives and programs around to support same-sex attracted youth.  Some of these include: students at Australian public schools who are pledging to not allow the term "so gay" to be used by anyone at the school (this initiative was proposed by the students themselves), Wear it Purple day was introduced in Sydney in 2010 and is celebrated internationally to raise awareness of rainbow youth suicide and homophobic bullying, the Open Doors youth program specifically designed to support youth in the LGBTI community,  IDAHO day is a day to highlight action against homophobia and Australian football codes publicly uniting against homophobia.  How many of you have heard of these initiatives or special days?  

More info on the students banning the term 'So Gay'

Despite the progress there remains a long way to go.  Statistics show that two thirds of young same-sex attracted people have contemplated suicide and 80% are bullied for being gay.  These outcomes impact on every aspect of life for these youth.  Academic performance, peer relationships not to mention mental health.  One quarter of those bullied experience the bullying on a daily basis.  If bullying is at school it often doesn't go away at the end of the day where they should be able to return to the safe confines of their home.  Cyber bullying can make this a constant major stressor from the moment a child opens their eyes to when they fall asleep at the end of the day.  

More info on statistics 

So why is this the responsibility of all of us even those who oppose equality?  It is our responsibility because these are our youth, our children, our grandchildren, our nieces and nephews, the children of our friends and our children's peers who are being damaged and we can stop it together.  If we don't stop it the plain facts are; best case scenario these youth feel shame, fear, sadness and so on, the worst case scenario they die.  It is difficult to find statistics on the number of youth suicides related to being gay or lesbian.  I am not really sure that the statistics in this case are relevant because there is no level of suicide by children due to their sexual orientation that we should ever consider acceptable.  

What can you do?  Find ways to help move this language out of society, do not be complicit in jokes that degrade gay people, regardless of your beliefs around rights for gay and lesbian people don't support the use of this type of language, don't role model homophobic language or jokes ever and especially in front of children.  Remember every single time this is allowed to continue there is a risk that a vulnerable youth may be at breaking point.  Help our politicians, role models and religious leaders to understand that referring to LGBTI people as sick, disordered and needing to be cured reinforces that there is something fundamentally wrong with the young person who is gay.  

As usual with my blog posts I really would like to hear your thoughts.  Ideas on how you can correct your friends/family without damaging your relationships?  Suggestions on talking to children about the language which can be so very hurtful and anything else that is on your mind about this topic.  

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

 

Where do we draw the line?

To most of us, in fact I would expect a large majority of us, the news this week that Brunei is introducing penalties which include stoning to death gay people, is difficult to comprehend to say the very least. 

Under the new penal code, based on Islamic Sharia law and upheld by the Sultan who has absolute power, there are a range of punishments not limited to the stoning of gays, severing of limbs for robbery and many other torturous and inhumane sentences.  The last time that a crime would result in the risk of the death penalty in Brunei was 1957 yet May 1st 2014 brings the reintroduction of this penalty. The link below details what is happening in Brunei. 

Stoned to death

This change in the law in Brunei has left me thinking.  I expect 'we' are horrified by this news and probably many of us do a good job of disregarding it as something happening far away, underpinned by religion in a patriarchal society in South East Asia.  Not on our doorstep.  I expect even those who do not support marriage equality, hate crime laws and other protections for gay people would still consider this punishment abhorrent.  How do we allow this to happen in our world and, if we find this unacceptable, what is acceptable?  The laws in Uganda, Russia, Iran, Pakistan and so on have penalties ranging from imprisonment to death.  I've included a link below which shows the status of gay rights globally.  

Where is it illegal to be gay? Millions of people continue to live in places that outlaw same-sex relationships and prosecute people for being gay. In five countries and in parts of two others, homosexuality is still punishable with the death penalty, while a further 70 imprison citizens because of their sexual orientation.

Back to my questioning about what is acceptable as global citizens and what is the impact of these laws more broadly.  If we would consider the death penalty to be unacceptable, that it represents an inhumane punishment for being gay and these laws are based in deeply religious beliefs what then do we think of the countries laws where the penalty isn't death but instead imprisonment such as Africa and the Middle East?  Is this an acceptable option for a country to uphold?  Let's take a look at other countries such as Russia.  The Russian laws are against gay expression.  Next we move to Indonesia and Angola these are countries with contradictory laws including age of consent laws which are different to the heterosexual community.  Venezuela and Bolivia are my next examples and these countries are an example of countries which have anti-discrimination laws. 

This brings me to the USA, Canada, the UK and last but not least Australia.  Arguably some of the most progressive countries in relation to rights for people in the LGBTI community especially in comparison to the laws I have mentioned above.  Marriage laws, domestic partnerships, civil unions, relationship registers through to legal protections in relation to defacto relationships and some hate crime legislation and antidiscrimination laws with various caveats.  I'd like to note Australia is at the very lowest level when it comes to rights in comparison to USA, Canada and the UK. 

While the countries and laws I have included are not exhaustive it demonstrates something very interesting to me.  There is a spectrum when it comes to rights and liberties for LGBTI people.  Starting will full equality such as in Canada all the way through to the death penalty in Brunei and every variation and step in between. 

How can this be justified?  If countries find some of the torturous punishments unacceptable how can they justify any level of discrimination for the same 'crime'.  The discrimination is the same, the rationale is the same and the 'cause' is the same.  Each of these laws or lack of equality and protective laws come down simply to the fact that a person is gay the only difference as I have outlined is the severity of the punishment.  

Our 10 year old daughter was in tears this morning when she heard the news about the Brunei laws.  Why was she upset?  As the tears fell she explained to us that it is because she was frightened.  Frightened because she has two mums and people can be killed in a country for being gay.  For her it isn't foreign people, in foreign countries, with foreign religions creating and upholding laws that are unbelievable to most of us.  For her it is the killing of people for being themselves, just like her mums.    

A


Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

I don't introduce myself as heterosexual....so why talk about being gay?

In response to my questions yesterday a friend of mine messaged me last night and here it what she said.  "But it's not a big deal to us. Eg. I don't walk up to anyone and say 'hi, I'm xxxx and I'm a heterosexual'. I don't even think about it. It's just not a 'thing' in my thinking, if you know what I mean." 

We've had a bit more conversation about this and I asked if she minded if I used her words as the basis for another blog post.  She very kindly agreed and is also interested in the opinions of others.  Thank you to that friend, you know who you are and I appreciate your input.  A

Here goes: 

Every now and again someone will ask me 'why do you talk about being gay, I don't introduce myself as being heterosexual'.  Or simply say 'someone being gay doesn't hit my radar I don't announce I'm heterosexual'.  Most people who know me know that I don't introduce myself as Adele, quickly followed by I'm gay.

It does however cause me to think deeply when people say they don't introduce themselves as heterosexual.  I question myself, do I really make too big a deal of it when others don't see it that way.  Am I, instead of helping to reduce stigma and educate people, actually putting a lens where it is not required.  On reflection however the answer for me is consistently 'no', there is a difference.  I long for the day that this difference doesn't exist yet for now it does and this is one of the reasons I have created this blog and continue to share stories. 

People will often ask a gay person when did they 'come out'.  We differentiate straight and gay people by requiring a gay person to 'announce' their sexuality.  In fact that is not exactly what we do, as a society in general we make an automatic assumption that people are straight until we are told otherwise.  Also when it comes to that moment of 'coming out' it is actually not a moment in time and one event that is finished and over once completed.  It is actually something that goes on for your entire life.  What does this have to do with parenting?  Once you have children it is something that your children are required to do in a sense on your behalf.  That might sound unusual and not something you've thought about before however it is true. 

I can give so many examples of how being gay comes up in conversation that seems and is completely unnecessary and definitely unrelated.  You actually find yourself 'coming out' over and over.  So why does it come up when I or Monique are talking to health professionals, colleagues, acquaintances, tradespeople, shop attendants and the list is endless?


Here are some real life examples that Monique and I have experienced.

I was in hospital a few weeks ago, I said my partner was coming to collect me and the nurse said to just let her know when he arrived.

Someone comes to quote for some work on our roof.  The guy quoting keeps saying to Monique that when she has spoken to her husband to get back to him.

Before a meeting at work people are casually chatting about their weekend I might mention my partner.  Small talk moves on to me being asked what does he do.

Out shopping with Bae and we were buying a piece of jewellery for Monique.  The shop attendant made an understandable assumption that the jewellery we were buying was for me and made a comment about what a lovely daddy Bae must have for him to buy me this necklace. 

We've also had the question, more than once, are we sisters or relatives. 

I understand the automatic assumption of heterosexuality the question that this raises for both Monique and I is do we disclose that in fact our partner is female or do we just let it slide.  Each time something like this happens (and it happens more frequently than you would think) I have to make a decision; do I correct the person or do I just leave it.  Those people who read my blog and are gay will easily relate to situations like this.  Those people who are straight can I suggest you try considering for a moment if someone assumed your partner was the same gender as you often.  

What goes through my head in that split second or few minutes, depending on the circumstances, are quite a number of decisions.  Firstly should I disclose this information?   Is it relevant?  Is not correcting, especially when we are with our children, interpreted by them as being ashamed of our family?  Is there a risk with disclosing?  You never know what someone's beliefs are, and if they are in your home such as a tradesperson, could you be putting yourself or your family at risk?  Am I going to be in contact with this person again and is it right to let them know to save future embarrassment/discomfort etc. for them?

The list goes on and I hope that gives you some idea of why being gay, no matter how much we would like it to be irrelevant, isn't.  Our sexuality is part of who we are, gay, straight and everything in between, it is not the whole of us.  However our society is so strongly geared towards assumed heterosexuality and therefore seeming unrelated situations and circumstances leave us in a situation where we need to make a choice whether to disclose our sexuality or not and often this is to strangers or acquaintances. 

This article also made me reflect on the journey of my book and its relevance.  As the author so rightly points out, being a gay parent is much more about being a parent than being a gay parent.  Yet wish as we might that having gay parents does not impact on our children's lives I believe this is not yet possible.  It is not the overwhelming majority of our focus by any means however it is reality and it will continue to be so for now. 

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

What is a positive, caring sexual relationship?

"KAP leader and son of the party’s founder, Robert ‘Robbie’ Katter, argued that the harm done by early sexualisation of children by exposure to “adult sexual behaviour” could damage the “foundation they need to become adults who are capable of forming positive, caring sexual relationships”."

Proposal to limit advertising

So what type of advertising do you think is reasonable in public.  I don't see anyway to limit the audience and therefore we need to consider public only.  What I find absolutely astounding is that groups such as the KAP, PUP and ACL believe that children should not be 'exposed' to sexualised advertising.   SERIOUSLY?  We need to be clear what the ACL et. al. are trying to avoid.  It is not sexualised advertising, it is anything that reflects non-heterosexual advertising. 

There is sexualised advertising everywhere. 

Here is a few

When was the last time you saw a woman draped over a car? 
When was the last time you saw a women in an unbuttoned shirt or underwear - selling something that isn't clothes? 
When was the last time you saw a man, half naked selling some inanimate object or person product? 

We see sexualised advertising everywhere.  What we see is hetero-normative and therefore something we either don't register or do not see on the 'offensive' or 'questionable' spectrum. The first sign of a homosexual relationship in advertising causes an uproar.  Is this not a fundamental concern? 

Your thoughts are welcome. 

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

10 things that you might want to ask same-sex parents?

Do you have a list of questions?  If you felt no shame, embarrassment or hesitation in asking questions of same-sex parents what would they be?  Add them to the comment section.  Don't be shy. 

As a same-sex parent here are the questions that I think people may like to ask; well to be honest it is the questions we have been asked.

1. How did you have the child/children? 
2. No, really how did you have them?  Not what type of birth but did you use IVF or were they from a previous heterosexual relationship or did you use the 'turkey baster'?  
3. What does your child/children call you?  Is there a 'mummy' role or 'daddy' role?  
4. What do you tell your child/children about their other biological parent? 
5. Does your child/children have a relationship with their other biological parent? 
6. Are the children related?  
7. How did you go enrolling them in school? 
8. How do you go with other families understanding your family?  
9. What do your family think? 
10. What do you do with Mothers Day or Fathers Day? 

Would you like me to answer these questions to get us started?  I'll answer them and I'd like you to add your questions or if you are a same-sex parented family perhaps you have different answers.

1. Monique and I had our children once we were together.  Monique had our daughter and I gave birth to our son.  
2. We used IUI (Interuterine Insemmination).  Something that is not part of every day conversation but very popular with assisted fertility treatments (ART).  We went to http://qfg.com.au/.  The process was not easy.  Monique had blood tests day after day until her hormone levels were right  every month followed by IUI.  This went on for 18 months.  36 back to back attempts.  Monique says to this day that it was like she was being treated for an illness not attempting to have a baby.  When she was pregnant, we couldn't believe it.  I had 5 months of similar attempts followed by a miscarriage and then another 6 before a pregnancy that lasted to full term.  We both had HCG injections which I gave Monique and myself and we had other medication prescribed by our gynaecologist/obstetrician. 
3. We are mummy (Monique) and mama (Adele).  We have heard so many variations and would love to here more in the comments.  
4. Our children both know there is a wonderful man who helped us become a family.  They also know they will never meet him.  We made a conscious decision to have a donor who was not seeking involvement in the future.  Our rationale behind this was two fold.  Firstly we think it is hard enough to keep two parents together raising children.  Secondly the way the laws in Queensland were at the time (I don't think they have changed yet but expect they will) a donor had the choice to be known and at anytime withdraw this.  That would mean if we had chosen a known donor we could have told the children for years that they would eventually meet their father and then he could withdraw this consent.  A risk we weren't willing to take.  Our children celebrate their father.  Every Father's day they release a balloon each with a note to thank the man who helped us become a family.  Interestingly in the time we had our children, donors got to choose if they were willing to donate to same-sex couples.  In Brisbane at that time the number of men who were willing to donate to same-sex couples was not high.  It makes that man even more special.  
5. No
6. Yes our children are related.  They have the same donor father and different mothers.  It was initially very important to us that the children have the same father which completed our family circle - in some way we were all related.  After such a long period of trying to have children though, to be honest, it was less important.  Even though it was less important we are very glad they have the same donor father.  
7. No issue enrolling in school.  Interestingly we were the first known same-sex parents in the daycare (it had been operational for 17 years) and the first known same-sex parents at the school (it had been operational for over 120 years).  One of the best experiences we have had both from the daycare and the school is that both places were willing to work with us if there was an issue.  We both did a lot of research before having children, one of the key issues was that children had no issue if their peers teased them about their family structure however if they had teachers that struggled to cope with their parents or family structure, that impacted them significantly.  
8. We have never had a major issue with family members.  We know many people who have.  We have been pleasantly surprised by so many and we have experienced people who keep their views to themselves.  
9. Similar to the question above.  Probably if we go back to before children.  It is always a shock for family members to have their heteronormative picture altered.  Some are ok, others aren't and then there is the group that on the surface are OK but lobby other family members.  They are the group I struggle most with.  Honesty is very important.  
10. Mother's Day and Father's Day are very special days for us.  We have a rule in our household that Mother's day gifts must be handmade.  Each of us get a day for Mother's Day.  Father's day is equally as special.  We celebrate wonderful men in the children's lives including their grandfathers.  We also honour their father.  We never pretend he doesn't exist or speak of him poorly.  He is what made us a family.  We have always been blessed by the day care and school in that they double up for Mothers Day.  

A side note about donors.  There was a great friend of mine that adopted her children except for one.  She never wanted adoption to be seen as a negative.  So from the moment they adopted their children they talked about how lucky they were that someone allowed them to adopt.  They made it a positive word.  That is what gave us the idea to make sure that donor was never a negative, that the children's father was never negative.  He is a wonderful man and he is always considered positively in our home.

 
Over to you........

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Why take the easy road?

Look into those beautiful eyes
Zachary's eyes are like big deep pools you could get lost in, very similar to the dark brown eyes of our son.  How could a parent even contemplate harming him; let alone kill him because she thought he may be gay.

May we never forget his name and may we never forget the reason he died.   Homophobia is like a tangled far reaching web that seeps into every day lives despite what many people would prefer to believe or see.  It's very easy to not see homophobia as an issue in the world most of us live.  Day to day we don't necessarily see the impacts of homophobia, these impacts are not in our face to demonstrate what damage it can and does do.  This little person Zachary was unable to protect himself from the homophobia that drove his mother to kill him.  Admittedly she was a violent woman it seems, but he is dead because of homophobia.  It is easier to take the focus from what happened to Zachary and move on in our every day lives.  Let's not take the easy road, Zachary certainly didn't and we owe it to him to take our minds to that unthinkable place.

So here we go.  On the surface homophobia killed Zachary because his mother reacted to what she saw in him.  She thought he was gay and that was something she didn't want to face and killing him was the answer.  Honestly though I have no idea why she killed him, really none of us do; she was a violent woman who harmed her other children also.  Regardless it raises a discussion that needs to be had.  Even the mere thought that he died because his mother thought he was gay is enough for us to look at homophobia in general.

What does homophobia taint?  It taints the thoughts and lives of many people, it may be you, it may be the people in your circle of friends but have no doubt there are people in your lives that are homophobic.  From the extreme Westboro Baptist Church "God hates fags" to the "I'm OK with gay people as long as it doesn't touch my life directly" i.e. a child/parent/sibling/friend.  Is homophobia too strong a word?  No it's not.  It's more comforting to believe that the root of the concern is not homophobia but again that is the easy road and dismisses the facts.  Many law makers will stress they are not homophobic however they do not support full equal rights.  If that isn't homophobia what is it?  It is the belief that same-sex attraction is in some way lesser that heterosexuality and deserving of different legal rights. That people who are same-sex attracted can live their lives quietly as long as 'they' don't expect to have full equality.  It is homophobia and it leads people to believe that their hate crimes have some level of justification.  Zachary, Matthew Sheppard and many others have died because homosexuality was seen as abhorrent; something to kill over.

What relationship does this have to equal rights, what difference would equal rights in marriage and beyond make?  The difference they make is that through equal rights and laws society makes a clear statement and over time that statement molds what is acceptable and what is not.  Facts do not change the opinion of people it is emotions that do.  Emotionally we have to make homophobia and in turn inequality unacceptable.  If we look at the past major human rights movements; women's rights, indigenous rights, apartheid etc. it wasn't until collectively society said "we do not accept that these people are treated differently and have different basic human rights" that change occurred.  Marriage rights are not the beginning of the equal rights movement for homosexuals and it is not the end of the movement however it will make a difference as large as the right to vote for women and the removal of apartheid. 

Marriage rights may seem to the every day person as not important and really not something that will force a quantum shift in our society - that is so wrong.  Marriage rights are the tipping point, they are the trigger that will help exponentially in moving us from a society that is disgusted and shocked by hate crimes to a society that actively protects the rights of homosexuals.

RIP Zachary; I will not stop speaking on your behalf and I urge my friends not to also. 

A


© Adele Fisher 2014