Gay Parents Australia

I'd suggest you all join and check out this great Australian initiative. Parents

I don't introduce myself as heterosexual....so why talk about being gay?

In response to my questions yesterday a friend of mine messaged me last night and here it what she said.  "But it's not a big deal to us. Eg. I don't walk up to anyone and say 'hi, I'm xxxx and I'm a heterosexual'. I don't even think about it. It's just not a 'thing' in my thinking, if you know what I mean." 

We've had a bit more conversation about this and I asked if she minded if I used her words as the basis for another blog post.  She very kindly agreed and is also interested in the opinions of others.  Thank you to that friend, you know who you are and I appreciate your input.  A

Here goes: 

Every now and again someone will ask me 'why do you talk about being gay, I don't introduce myself as being heterosexual'.  Or simply say 'someone being gay doesn't hit my radar I don't announce I'm heterosexual'.  Most people who know me know that I don't introduce myself as Adele, quickly followed by I'm gay.

It does however cause me to think deeply when people say they don't introduce themselves as heterosexual.  I question myself, do I really make too big a deal of it when others don't see it that way.  Am I, instead of helping to reduce stigma and educate people, actually putting a lens where it is not required.  On reflection however the answer for me is consistently 'no', there is a difference.  I long for the day that this difference doesn't exist yet for now it does and this is one of the reasons I have created this blog and continue to share stories. 

People will often ask a gay person when did they 'come out'.  We differentiate straight and gay people by requiring a gay person to 'announce' their sexuality.  In fact that is not exactly what we do, as a society in general we make an automatic assumption that people are straight until we are told otherwise.  Also when it comes to that moment of 'coming out' it is actually not a moment in time and one event that is finished and over once completed.  It is actually something that goes on for your entire life.  What does this have to do with parenting?  Once you have children it is something that your children are required to do in a sense on your behalf.  That might sound unusual and not something you've thought about before however it is true. 

I can give so many examples of how being gay comes up in conversation that seems and is completely unnecessary and definitely unrelated.  You actually find yourself 'coming out' over and over.  So why does it come up when I or Monique are talking to health professionals, colleagues, acquaintances, tradespeople, shop attendants and the list is endless?


Here are some real life examples that Monique and I have experienced.

I was in hospital a few weeks ago, I said my partner was coming to collect me and the nurse said to just let her know when he arrived.

Someone comes to quote for some work on our roof.  The guy quoting keeps saying to Monique that when she has spoken to her husband to get back to him.

Before a meeting at work people are casually chatting about their weekend I might mention my partner.  Small talk moves on to me being asked what does he do.

Out shopping with Bae and we were buying a piece of jewellery for Monique.  The shop attendant made an understandable assumption that the jewellery we were buying was for me and made a comment about what a lovely daddy Bae must have for him to buy me this necklace. 

We've also had the question, more than once, are we sisters or relatives. 

I understand the automatic assumption of heterosexuality the question that this raises for both Monique and I is do we disclose that in fact our partner is female or do we just let it slide.  Each time something like this happens (and it happens more frequently than you would think) I have to make a decision; do I correct the person or do I just leave it.  Those people who read my blog and are gay will easily relate to situations like this.  Those people who are straight can I suggest you try considering for a moment if someone assumed your partner was the same gender as you often.  

What goes through my head in that split second or few minutes, depending on the circumstances, are quite a number of decisions.  Firstly should I disclose this information?   Is it relevant?  Is not correcting, especially when we are with our children, interpreted by them as being ashamed of our family?  Is there a risk with disclosing?  You never know what someone's beliefs are, and if they are in your home such as a tradesperson, could you be putting yourself or your family at risk?  Am I going to be in contact with this person again and is it right to let them know to save future embarrassment/discomfort etc. for them?

The list goes on and I hope that gives you some idea of why being gay, no matter how much we would like it to be irrelevant, isn't.  Our sexuality is part of who we are, gay, straight and everything in between, it is not the whole of us.  However our society is so strongly geared towards assumed heterosexuality and therefore seeming unrelated situations and circumstances leave us in a situation where we need to make a choice whether to disclose our sexuality or not and often this is to strangers or acquaintances. 

This article also made me reflect on the journey of my book and its relevance.  As the author so rightly points out, being a gay parent is much more about being a parent than being a gay parent.  Yet wish as we might that having gay parents does not impact on our children's lives I believe this is not yet possible.  It is not the overwhelming majority of our focus by any means however it is reality and it will continue to be so for now. 

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

10 things that you might want to ask same-sex parents?

Do you have a list of questions?  If you felt no shame, embarrassment or hesitation in asking questions of same-sex parents what would they be?  Add them to the comment section.  Don't be shy. 

As a same-sex parent here are the questions that I think people may like to ask; well to be honest it is the questions we have been asked.

1. How did you have the child/children? 
2. No, really how did you have them?  Not what type of birth but did you use IVF or were they from a previous heterosexual relationship or did you use the 'turkey baster'?  
3. What does your child/children call you?  Is there a 'mummy' role or 'daddy' role?  
4. What do you tell your child/children about their other biological parent? 
5. Does your child/children have a relationship with their other biological parent? 
6. Are the children related?  
7. How did you go enrolling them in school? 
8. How do you go with other families understanding your family?  
9. What do your family think? 
10. What do you do with Mothers Day or Fathers Day? 

Would you like me to answer these questions to get us started?  I'll answer them and I'd like you to add your questions or if you are a same-sex parented family perhaps you have different answers.

1. Monique and I had our children once we were together.  Monique had our daughter and I gave birth to our son.  
2. We used IUI (Interuterine Insemmination).  Something that is not part of every day conversation but very popular with assisted fertility treatments (ART).  We went to http://qfg.com.au/.  The process was not easy.  Monique had blood tests day after day until her hormone levels were right  every month followed by IUI.  This went on for 18 months.  36 back to back attempts.  Monique says to this day that it was like she was being treated for an illness not attempting to have a baby.  When she was pregnant, we couldn't believe it.  I had 5 months of similar attempts followed by a miscarriage and then another 6 before a pregnancy that lasted to full term.  We both had HCG injections which I gave Monique and myself and we had other medication prescribed by our gynaecologist/obstetrician. 
3. We are mummy (Monique) and mama (Adele).  We have heard so many variations and would love to here more in the comments.  
4. Our children both know there is a wonderful man who helped us become a family.  They also know they will never meet him.  We made a conscious decision to have a donor who was not seeking involvement in the future.  Our rationale behind this was two fold.  Firstly we think it is hard enough to keep two parents together raising children.  Secondly the way the laws in Queensland were at the time (I don't think they have changed yet but expect they will) a donor had the choice to be known and at anytime withdraw this.  That would mean if we had chosen a known donor we could have told the children for years that they would eventually meet their father and then he could withdraw this consent.  A risk we weren't willing to take.  Our children celebrate their father.  Every Father's day they release a balloon each with a note to thank the man who helped us become a family.  Interestingly in the time we had our children, donors got to choose if they were willing to donate to same-sex couples.  In Brisbane at that time the number of men who were willing to donate to same-sex couples was not high.  It makes that man even more special.  
5. No
6. Yes our children are related.  They have the same donor father and different mothers.  It was initially very important to us that the children have the same father which completed our family circle - in some way we were all related.  After such a long period of trying to have children though, to be honest, it was less important.  Even though it was less important we are very glad they have the same donor father.  
7. No issue enrolling in school.  Interestingly we were the first known same-sex parents in the daycare (it had been operational for 17 years) and the first known same-sex parents at the school (it had been operational for over 120 years).  One of the best experiences we have had both from the daycare and the school is that both places were willing to work with us if there was an issue.  We both did a lot of research before having children, one of the key issues was that children had no issue if their peers teased them about their family structure however if they had teachers that struggled to cope with their parents or family structure, that impacted them significantly.  
8. We have never had a major issue with family members.  We know many people who have.  We have been pleasantly surprised by so many and we have experienced people who keep their views to themselves.  
9. Similar to the question above.  Probably if we go back to before children.  It is always a shock for family members to have their heteronormative picture altered.  Some are ok, others aren't and then there is the group that on the surface are OK but lobby other family members.  They are the group I struggle most with.  Honesty is very important.  
10. Mother's Day and Father's Day are very special days for us.  We have a rule in our household that Mother's day gifts must be handmade.  Each of us get a day for Mother's Day.  Father's day is equally as special.  We celebrate wonderful men in the children's lives including their grandfathers.  We also honour their father.  We never pretend he doesn't exist or speak of him poorly.  He is what made us a family.  We have always been blessed by the day care and school in that they double up for Mothers Day.  

A side note about donors.  There was a great friend of mine that adopted her children except for one.  She never wanted adoption to be seen as a negative.  So from the moment they adopted their children they talked about how lucky they were that someone allowed them to adopt.  They made it a positive word.  That is what gave us the idea to make sure that donor was never a negative, that the children's father was never negative.  He is a wonderful man and he is always considered positively in our home.

 
Over to you........

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

I am going to write a book based primarily on the Australian experience and I hope that in time as this journey progresses, you will start to add comments and ideas to my posts.  I have so many ideas for this book swirling around my mind and there are so many directions I can take it in and so many concepts I could cover, however if I go down every possible path the book will never be completed.  So I have set myself a goal.

It's a time goal and that time goal is I will have the content of this book finished by the end of 2014.  It may still require editing and other work but the manuscript will be complete by the end of this year.

I am still happy with the contents and chapters outlined in my previous posts.

For those who are reading, thank you.  Just knowing that there are people like you who want a book like this one to come to life is what will keep me writing.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Ill share!

While I have been thinking about writing this book I have recalled so many funny moments we have had along the way.  I thought I would share some of them with you and you might have some you'd like to share.  Please take the time to look at my other blog posts in case you have thoughts to share.

The getting pregnant part for us had many heartbreaking and may hilarious moments.

I remember being referred to as 'A social situation' by one receptionist needless to say we didn't go to that doctor in the end.

I remember landing at the airport after being away for a business trip, and it being 'the time' to go to the clinic, so Monique picked me up mid afternoon at the airport and we drove straight to the clinic.  Nothing like being on a plane one hour and going through IUI the next hour!

I remember one doctor having lost the vial of sperm.  Seriously how do you lose that???  Only to find he had it in his pocket!

There were and are so many occasions that make us laugh.  Our daughter explaining her family tree to the cashier at the fruit shop and the cashier not knowing what to say or where to look.  The vacuum sales man who would just not get the idea that I didn't have a 'husband' to discuss the purchase with.

What funny experiences have you had?


A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

5 Specific questions for you - yes you!

A couple of weeks ago I did a post that was about 10 questions for families with LGBTI parents.  I really appreciated everyone's input.  This time I would like to ask you questions (I've included questions for the non-LGBTI people too, no discrimination here!  ;-)  ) and open up the chance for you to ask any questions you would like when it comes to parenting as an LGBTI person or anything else that might be of interest. 

If you are LGBTI and have children can you answer a couple of questions for me? 

1. what have been your three biggest parenting challenges as a lesbian?  
2. what are two difficult questions your children have asked you about their family structure? 
3. what are two difficult questions someone else has asked you about your kids or your family? 
4. did you have your children within a lesbian/gay relationship?  
5. how old are your children?

If you are straight and have children can you answer these questions for me?

1. have your children got peers whose parents are lesbian/gay? 
2. do you have lesbian/gay family members?  
3. if you have a gay/lesbian child have they had good support either at school or in the workplace and from peers? 
4. have you talked to your kids about various family structures?  What information would help you do this? 
5. how old are your children?

Can't wait to hear your feedback!

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

Introduction nearly complete and new chapter list

Slowly I am moving ahead with the book.  No comments yet on my blog so far but please feel free to read and comment.

More chapters have been added and the introduction is nearly written.

Here is the new list of chapters

1. Introduction
2. Family Structures 
3. Conception and Pregnancy
4. Birth
5. Families and Friends 
6. A child, two or more
7. Day Care and School
8. Special Occasions and Celebrations
9. Those situations 
10. Those conversations
11. Legal
12. For teachers and carers
13. For grandparents
14. For those wanting to know more about our families 
15. Marriage Equality 
16. Q and A 
17. The views of our children 
18. Conclusion 

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

Day 1 of writing a book - Lesbian Parenting

Today is day one of me seriously planning to write a book.  It's an idea that I've had in my mind for many years and now I believe the time has come.  What's my great plan?  Well it starts here and it starts with you.  I want your input and thoughts as I move forward with this book. 

I am going to share with you what I am doing, where I am up to, what is working well, not so well and everything in between.

Here is step one I'm finding out what people actually want in a book on lesbian parenting.  So to start I have contacted a range of my Facebook friends for some starting ideas.

"Hi everyone. I've decided to take the plunge and do something I've always wanted to do i.e. write a book. I intend to write fiction but first I will be starting with an e-book about lesbian parenting. I am sending this message to you because you are all people who I expect might have an opinion on this or know what might be helpful to others. I have included people without children, with children, different stages of child rearing and different ways in which children were brought into our lives to get broad feedback. I hope by inviting you to comment I am not touching on a topic that brings you hurt. Please know that is certainly something I would never want to do as I respect each of you so much. Australia is lacking resources and information for lesbian parents so I'd really like to know what type of topics do you think would be helpful. So throw you ideas at me including: topics, style, issues, funny moments, and so on. Please feel free to forward this to anyone who might have an opinion or ideas to share. I can be contacted either via Facebook or adele000@gmail.com." 

I ask of you the same thing.  Share with me your thoughts and ideas.  While I am focusing on producing a book with an Australian focus I hope it will be valuable to others around the world also.  

Bring on your comments!  

A 

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014