6 of the best questions to answer!

A friend of mine shared this video by Wayne Goss, the make up artist, with me.  I loved it and decided to take the questions from it and answer them myself.  In some areas I agree with the guy in the video and others not so much.  I'd love others to answer these questions also.  

Video 

When did you know you were gay?

It seems like such a mundane question however it is very interesting and I am sure the answer is different for every person.  Like the guy in the video I cannot pinpoint a moment.  I do know I was very open to the idea of gay people from when I moved out of home. My first experience with gay people was meeting friends once I left home and started my nursing training.  I now know that of course it would have been unusual that I had not met gay people before that but it truly was a different time – even though not that long ago and I don’t recall any gay people in my life as a child.  Prior to moving out of home it truly was something I knew nothing about.  Perhaps I am showing my age.  Coming out was (to my knowledge) nothing that happened at my school. My school friends can correct me if I am wrong!  For me it is more of a case of when did I decide to live my life openly and that was when I met Monique.  Meeting my soulmate truly was the moment that I knew my life would be shared with her and I wanted everyone in my life to be part of my happiness.  My love for her made it clear to me that anyone who didn’t support us was not someone I wanted in my life. 

Is being gay a choice?

In a previous blog I talked about the ‘choice’ idea.  For those who didn’t read it I don’t know the answer to this question and I don’t particularly care.  Is being straight a choice?  No idea.  I’d love to hear the opinion of straight and gay people on this question. 

Should I ask my son, daughter, friend if they are gay?

I say no.  You can demonstrate that you are open and would be accepting without asking someone outright.  Especially parents, you can easily show your children that you support gay people and do not discriminate.  It actually is a deeply personal question.  By asking the question directly, not only do you risk putting someone in a difficult situation and making your relationship uncomfortable, but it is really a personal decision for someone to decide what the right time for them is. 

Should everyone come out?

My first reaction to this is a resounding ‘yes’.  However I’m really reflecting that from my own experience and circumstances.  As the guy in the video said, respecting your surrounding and circumstances is important.  If coming out would put you at risk you may choose not to.  I so wish that there wasn’t a circumstance that someone coming out would put them at risk.  Unfortunately that is not the world we live in.  Coming out in some countries would put an individual’s life at risk, other countries imprisonment and other criminal punishment.  Interestingly we don’t often think there is a risk to someone in countries such as Australia, the UK and America for coming out.  In most cases this is true however it is sadly too common for harm to come to people when they come out in these countries.  Parents have murdered their children for being gay, in fact for the mere thought that they may be gay.  People have been killed and physically assaulted because others either knew or thought they were gay.  Bullying is far too common and friends and family ending relationships with someone because they are gay happen too frequently as well.  So while I would love to hope that everyone could not only come out, but that coming out would be either not necessary just like people do not announce they are straight or that it would cause no negative reaction, that is not where we are right now. 

Ultimately it is the choice of the individual however I worry sometimes the difficulty and emotional harm people face by not being their authentic selves with people important to them.  I personally think that would be torturous and how hard it must be to maintain a facade. 

Have you ever had a bad reaction from friends/family?

The simple answer is yes and out of respect for those people I will not share the details publically on this blog.  Relationships have been strained and ended as a result.  It’s interesting though, in my experience and in Monique’s, often it is the people who you think will be OK that struggle and the ones that you think will not accept you that do in fact embrace you.  It is definitely not easy and far too many relationships are ended due to people not being able to cope with the idea that their friend or relative is gay.  Eye opening and very sad.  Times change and I hope that more and more people do not experience situations where they lose friends and family over being gay.  It’s strange to say how much respect I have for the people in my life who have stood by me from day 1, I wish it wasn’t something that was even a consideration, but it is.  I am thankful to those people. 

Any Advice?

If you are straight know how important it is to support people in anyway that is right for you.  Straight allies signing petitions, standing by our sides at rallies and taking our word for how important legal changes are fills me with hope.  Society will continue to change for the better when straight and gay people are side by side fighting discrimination and supporting equality. 

If you are gay – trust yourself and love yourself.  You are the person you are meant to be – live it if you can. 

Any of my gay friends or gay people who read this blog or Facebook page want to answer the same questions?  I’d love to hear your viewpoint. I've put the questions below so it is easy for you to copy them. 

When did you know you were gay?

Is being gay a choice?

Should I ask my son, daughter, friend if they are gay?

Should everyone come out?

Have you ever had a bad reaction from friends/family?

Any Advice?

A

Adele Fisher Copyright 2014 

Nature, nurture or neither?

Over the years I have spent a lot of time discussing with people the importance of proving that being gay was not a choice and that looking for the genetic 'cause' was key to achieving equality.  Surely if it were proven that we had no choice in the matter the bigotry and discrimination would have to cease.  Just like the colour of our hair, eyes and skin; if we didn't choose, how can we be considered bad, wrong, disordered, ungodly or any of the other terms used to describe people in the LGB community and how could people continue to suggest that we need to be 'cured' or change our 'lifestyle choice'. 

I strongly argued the value of finding the 'gay gene' and the genetic answer to this seemingly essential question. I debated and discussed with people who had a different opinion and didn't feel a need to find a cause so to speak.  I was always unsure how they could feel this way, surely they understood how helpful this would be?  Groundbreaking? The key to everything?  Utopia.

I am now less convinced about how important this actually is and whether it would be beneficial or potentially harmful to find an elusive gene.  Let's consider if it were medically proven that being gay was actually genetic.  Where would that leave us?  Potentially it would leave us in a position where it could be considered a defect and therefore something to be medicated, treated and cured.

What are my thoughts now?  Is it a choice?  Does it matter?  I don't believe it does.  Should we be hunting for a genetic answer - I don't know.  I actually believe sexuality is on a spectrum and just like so many variants in life people are spread along a broad range of possibilities and the possibilities are endless and unique to each individual - as unique as our fingerprint.  Just as a straight person is unable to pin point the moment they chose to be straight and why they are attracted to a certain person, I believe it is the same across the spectrum of sexuality.  When you fall in love it is indeed with a person not a gender. 

What do we know?  Painting a boy's toenails or fingernails will not make him gay.  A young girl who prefers to play with trucks will not be a lesbian as a result of this.  You cannot turn someone gay.  Allowing a child, youth or adult to be themselves and love who they love will help them have a strong sense of self and will directly reduce the amount of self harm and suicide. 

This is something we can all do to make a difference and that should be where our efforts as a society are going.  Stop discrimination and fight homophobia.  Acknowledging that some people are same-sex attracted, others attracted to their opposite sex and every possible gender and sexuality variation in between is the ideal approach we can take.  Why?  It will save lives.  We are not seeking the straight gene and therefore there is no reason to seek the gay one. 

Thoughts? 

A

Adele Fisher Copyright 2014

Gay Parents Australia

I'd suggest you all join and check out this great Australian initiative. Parents

Our Commitment Ceremony

One evening in 1999 Monique and I were sitting outside near our pool and she proposed to me.  Including being on bended knee.  So very traditional.  What did this mean?  It meant we chose to marry each other and of course I said yes.  15 years later we remain engaged.  Unable to legally marry in our own country.  We can take a quick trip to New Zealand or a range of other countries however when we set foot back on Australian soil our marriage would not be considered valid.  Did you know that same-sex married couples that move to Australia do not have their marriage recognised even though it is legal in the country they married?

We decided to do the next best thing available to us.  A commitment ceremony.   This was before there was the fleeting Civil Union rights in Queensland and before the watered down Relationship Register which is akin to registered a vehicle or pet.

Our commitment ceremony was beautiful.  Months and months of planning.  Enlisting friends to help with catering, cake making and other 'wedding' planning.  We both bought beautiful outfits.  My dress was dark purple and Gothic in design, I had flowers in my hair and bare feet.  Monique wore black dress pants, a flowing purple shirt and purple Doc Martins.  We met beforehand with a minister from the Metropolitan Community Churches who officiated our ceremony.  He took us through a range of discussions quite similar to the marriage planning in conventional heterosexual marriage preparation. 

We had the ceremony in our backyard, flame lanterns lit the area and the ceremony started at 6pm.  We each had a male and female friend/family member as a bridesmaid/groomsman.  We walked out to the song 'She' by Elvis Costello.  Link  A stunning song that explain how important 'she' is.

As we walked out our family and friends blew bubbles and I will never forget the moment of walking through those bubbles heading to make a life long commitment.  A storm was brewing in the sky and there was thunder and lightening during the ceremony - some might say that was a bad omen, for us it was stunning and made the evening so memorable.  We spoke vows and we exchanged rings. 

The woman next door screaming abuse at her children was memorable also - that was something we could have done without. However that doesn't compare to later in the evening after the rain when Monique's mother slipped and fractured her ankle in three places.  So an ambulance visit was not in the plan but happened none the less. 

We were supported by so many people at our commitment ceremony.  A grandmother, parents, brothers, a sister in law, aunt, uncle, nephews and so many friends.  That day was magical and it meant so much at the time.  We celebrated our love and we had a huge party. The next morning we continued to be waited on by friends and then we headed off for a holiday.

Reflecting now though after all these years it was a party.  Definitely a party to celebrate our relationship however it holds nothing like a true marriage would hold.  Yes we live our lives in the same way married couples do however we are not married.  On our tenth anniversary together we bought each other new engagement rings.  It was at that point that I removed my wedding band.  Many may see my reasoning as quite petty but it is what it is.  I will not put that wedding band on again until we have a marriage that is legally recognised.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Why the Special Occassions and Celebrations? Part 2

We've already talked about some of the special dates and celebrations that are shared by part of the LGBTI community.  I think now is a good time to bring up the fact that like any group of people with something in common the LGBTI community is not a homogenous group by any stretch of the imagination.  Diversity within the community is celebrated and embraced.  So here is my disclaimer, I am writing from my perspective and the experiences I have; you get my opinions and I am not speaking on behalf of the entire community.  I am sure that others may chime in with alternative viewpoints and I look forward to that.  You'll also note that I refer to it as Marriage Equality instead of Gay Marriage.  It is not Gay Marriage I am hoping for, it is simply marriage.  A great quote explains this well.

"It's very dear to me, the issue of gay marriage, or as I like to call it: 'MARRIAGE' you know, because I had lunch this afternoon, not gay lunch; I parked my car, I didn't gay park it." 

The special dates and celebrations I want to talk about is the event that many people celebrate across the world day in and day out.  Marriage!

Marriage equality has been topical for many years and over these years we have seen countries and states move to legislate for marriage equality.  Within this time frame we have also seen countries, including Australia, alter legislation to specifically exclude same-sex couples from marriage.  This happened in Australia in 2004.  The first same sex marriage law in the world was signed in the Netherlands in December 2000.  Hard to believe that was a mere 14 years ago and on a side note it was a month after Monique and I had our Commitment Ceremony. 

Why is marriage important?  No doubt you have heard or thought yourself ; "Does it really matter? What difference does a piece of paper make?"

Always an interesting conversation.  It's true there is no piece of paper in the world that literally makes a difference to anyone or for anything. What does make a difference is the symbolism and what that paper represents throughout society.  Some LGBTI people do not want to get married just as there are straight people who do not want to marry.  The difference between the two groups, in places where there is not yet marriage equality, is that one group has the option and the other does not. 

Marriage equality does not and will not address all discrimination there is toward LGBTI people however what it does do is act as a tipping point.  In the absence of marriage equality fundamental changes for LGBTI people will not gather significant momentum.  Societal changes will happen when the greater majority of people no longer accept inequality and marriage equality is the most visible of these inequalities.  For those of you who are married imagine if you were told you were unable to marry or your marriage were null and void.  Consider what rights, recognition, assumptions and values are placed on the status of being married. 

Where I stand on this issue is that I believe every same sex couple should have the choice to marry.  That is the only option for equality when it comes to recognition of relationships.  I believe the Marriage Ceremony should be separated from the legal Marriage Act.  By separating the two it would allow religious institutions to conduct ceremonies and rituals while also allowing them to determine under what conditions they would and would not perform these.  e.g. if they choose not to conduct marriage ceremonies for same sex couples they should retain this right, just as the catholic church does now in relation to divorced people.  The legal contract of marriage defined in the Marriage Act should be available to all couples regardless of gender thus providing the only possible fully equal status in regard to relationships. 

Some quick questions/comments and responses. 

• Isn't a civil union enough?  No it's not.  There is no way to be equal if the rights of individuals differ depending on the gender of their partner.  Equal but different is not an option.  
• Why not call it something different than marriage and just have the same rights?  For the same reason above different cannot be equal.  
• Marriage is a Christian sacrament and the Bible does not allow marriage equality.  Marriage ceremonies and marriages actually predate Christianity.  Marriages are performed within other religions and in Australia more marriages are conducted outside of a church than within.  
• Once there is same-sex marriage people will want to marry their dog next.  The old slippery slope argument. There is but one response to this.  Marriage is between two unrelated adults who are able to consent. This sentence negates all the wild slippery slope arguments - children are unable to consent, animals are unable to consent, siblings are related and so on.  (I am excluding arranged marriages here) 
• Marriage cannot be redefined.  Marriage has actually been on a long road of evolution from its inception.  From dowries to arranged marriages and family connections to the idea of love about 250 years ago.  Other changes have included mixed religion marriages, interracial marriages, marriages prompting feuding between powerful families and different classes.  Marriage has well and truly been redefined there is no valid reason to stop here.   

You will see from this list that many of the arguments against Marriage Equality are often red herrings only.  If you scratch the surface just slightly they fall apart.

In a future blog I will tell you all about our commitment ceremony.

What are your thoughts on Marriage Equality?  As always remember I invite your questions and comments.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014  

Why the Special Occasions and Celebrations? Part 1

The first Pride Rally and March I attended was both life changing and life affirming.  I will never forget the overwhelming sense of inclusion and belonging.  To arrive at a park in central Brisbane surrounded by hundreds of LGBTI people and their straight allies was nearly impossible to comprehend.  For the first time ever I was part of the majority.  Everywhere I turned there were people simply being themselves and knowing they were part of the whole on that day.  There are no words to describe how freeing it feels when day in day out you are part of a minority.  The best part of celebrating Pride is that the feeling of inclusion doesn't go away in subsequent years.  It's a day of paradise.  I expect that may sound particularly over the top yet it's not, for me that is precisely how exciting the day is.  The camaraderie and kindness is palpable.

That's what Pride means to me but what is it and why is it held?

A quick online search reveals the following questions and I would expect the majority of LGBTI people have heard the question or been on the receiving end of a similar question.    

"Why do you have gay pride parades?  We don't have straight pride parades.  (And isn't pride a sin?)"

"You never see parades with people almost naked, wearing body glitter, on floats, celebrating how awesome it is being straight do you?" 


"So recently in Australia there was a Gay pride parade. And that made me think so they have a gay pride parade because they're proud to be gay, but if it's all about equality and everyone's the same then why not a straight pride parade also.

P.S I am not discriminating against anyone I think everyone is they same" 

What are these special occasions and celebrations all about?   On the surface they may appear to be celebrations of being gay and free which in part is true.  There is however a long and deeply painful history that has been experienced by the people of the LGBTI community who came before us.  It is this history and the way our forebears suffered and fought for the freedoms we have today that is recognised and celebrated during these events.  The final part of the celebration and protest is that we are not yet experiencing full equality and these events provide the community with channels to highlight where there remains discrimination and inequality.  

The most well known of these events internationally are Pride events.  These are generally held in June although there are some areas that alter the dates due to poor weather.  Why June?  In the early hours of June 28th 1969 there was a police raid of The Stonewall situated in New York City.  Previously police had raided this and other venues where gay people gathered, drank and socialised and usually the venues opened again quickly.  On this night however riots began and they continued for 6 days.  Remember this was a time when it was illegal to be homosexual and homosexuality was considered a mental illness.  There are stories of corruption within the police force and the mafia ownership of the venue.  More Info

What the people at Stonewall chose to do that night was to take a stand, to no longer be invisible and attempt to demonstrate that they were everyday people who should be free to enjoy the company of friends without risk of harassment and persecution for simply being who they were.   The following June a parade was held to commemorate 12 months since the Stonewall riots and that was the birth of Pride marches.  

In answer to why is there a gay pride event and not a straight pride event therefore the answer is both rational and simple.  Straight people do not share this history and are not continuing to this day to seek full equality to varying degrees throughout the globe.   

There is another day, for many a less known one and it's a day which is held to increase awareness and specifically target discrimination, hate crimes and human rights issues for LGBTI people.  This day is called
International Day Against Homophobia & Transphobia or IDAHO for short and is celebrated on 17 May.  This year is the 10th year of IDAHO and it has continued to evolve since it started in 2004.  There is current consideration to expanding the name to something that relates to Gender Diversity.  Events for IDAHO are held in over 120 countries and take many shapes and forms.  With IDAHO being just around the corner you can show your support on 17th May by posting the below image to your social media sites.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014  




 

Where do we draw the line?

To most of us, in fact I would expect a large majority of us, the news this week that Brunei is introducing penalties which include stoning to death gay people, is difficult to comprehend to say the very least. 

Under the new penal code, based on Islamic Sharia law and upheld by the Sultan who has absolute power, there are a range of punishments not limited to the stoning of gays, severing of limbs for robbery and many other torturous and inhumane sentences.  The last time that a crime would result in the risk of the death penalty in Brunei was 1957 yet May 1st 2014 brings the reintroduction of this penalty. The link below details what is happening in Brunei. 

Stoned to death

This change in the law in Brunei has left me thinking.  I expect 'we' are horrified by this news and probably many of us do a good job of disregarding it as something happening far away, underpinned by religion in a patriarchal society in South East Asia.  Not on our doorstep.  I expect even those who do not support marriage equality, hate crime laws and other protections for gay people would still consider this punishment abhorrent.  How do we allow this to happen in our world and, if we find this unacceptable, what is acceptable?  The laws in Uganda, Russia, Iran, Pakistan and so on have penalties ranging from imprisonment to death.  I've included a link below which shows the status of gay rights globally.  

Where is it illegal to be gay? Millions of people continue to live in places that outlaw same-sex relationships and prosecute people for being gay. In five countries and in parts of two others, homosexuality is still punishable with the death penalty, while a further 70 imprison citizens because of their sexual orientation.

Back to my questioning about what is acceptable as global citizens and what is the impact of these laws more broadly.  If we would consider the death penalty to be unacceptable, that it represents an inhumane punishment for being gay and these laws are based in deeply religious beliefs what then do we think of the countries laws where the penalty isn't death but instead imprisonment such as Africa and the Middle East?  Is this an acceptable option for a country to uphold?  Let's take a look at other countries such as Russia.  The Russian laws are against gay expression.  Next we move to Indonesia and Angola these are countries with contradictory laws including age of consent laws which are different to the heterosexual community.  Venezuela and Bolivia are my next examples and these countries are an example of countries which have anti-discrimination laws. 

This brings me to the USA, Canada, the UK and last but not least Australia.  Arguably some of the most progressive countries in relation to rights for people in the LGBTI community especially in comparison to the laws I have mentioned above.  Marriage laws, domestic partnerships, civil unions, relationship registers through to legal protections in relation to defacto relationships and some hate crime legislation and antidiscrimination laws with various caveats.  I'd like to note Australia is at the very lowest level when it comes to rights in comparison to USA, Canada and the UK. 

While the countries and laws I have included are not exhaustive it demonstrates something very interesting to me.  There is a spectrum when it comes to rights and liberties for LGBTI people.  Starting will full equality such as in Canada all the way through to the death penalty in Brunei and every variation and step in between. 

How can this be justified?  If countries find some of the torturous punishments unacceptable how can they justify any level of discrimination for the same 'crime'.  The discrimination is the same, the rationale is the same and the 'cause' is the same.  Each of these laws or lack of equality and protective laws come down simply to the fact that a person is gay the only difference as I have outlined is the severity of the punishment.  

Our 10 year old daughter was in tears this morning when she heard the news about the Brunei laws.  Why was she upset?  As the tears fell she explained to us that it is because she was frightened.  Frightened because she has two mums and people can be killed in a country for being gay.  For her it isn't foreign people, in foreign countries, with foreign religions creating and upholding laws that are unbelievable to most of us.  For her it is the killing of people for being themselves, just like her mums.    

A


Copyright Adele Fisher 2014