6 of the best questions to answer!

A friend of mine shared this video by Wayne Goss, the make up artist, with me.  I loved it and decided to take the questions from it and answer them myself.  In some areas I agree with the guy in the video and others not so much.  I'd love others to answer these questions also.  

Video 

When did you know you were gay?

It seems like such a mundane question however it is very interesting and I am sure the answer is different for every person.  Like the guy in the video I cannot pinpoint a moment.  I do know I was very open to the idea of gay people from when I moved out of home. My first experience with gay people was meeting friends once I left home and started my nursing training.  I now know that of course it would have been unusual that I had not met gay people before that but it truly was a different time – even though not that long ago and I don’t recall any gay people in my life as a child.  Prior to moving out of home it truly was something I knew nothing about.  Perhaps I am showing my age.  Coming out was (to my knowledge) nothing that happened at my school. My school friends can correct me if I am wrong!  For me it is more of a case of when did I decide to live my life openly and that was when I met Monique.  Meeting my soulmate truly was the moment that I knew my life would be shared with her and I wanted everyone in my life to be part of my happiness.  My love for her made it clear to me that anyone who didn’t support us was not someone I wanted in my life. 

Is being gay a choice?

In a previous blog I talked about the ‘choice’ idea.  For those who didn’t read it I don’t know the answer to this question and I don’t particularly care.  Is being straight a choice?  No idea.  I’d love to hear the opinion of straight and gay people on this question. 

Should I ask my son, daughter, friend if they are gay?

I say no.  You can demonstrate that you are open and would be accepting without asking someone outright.  Especially parents, you can easily show your children that you support gay people and do not discriminate.  It actually is a deeply personal question.  By asking the question directly, not only do you risk putting someone in a difficult situation and making your relationship uncomfortable, but it is really a personal decision for someone to decide what the right time for them is. 

Should everyone come out?

My first reaction to this is a resounding ‘yes’.  However I’m really reflecting that from my own experience and circumstances.  As the guy in the video said, respecting your surrounding and circumstances is important.  If coming out would put you at risk you may choose not to.  I so wish that there wasn’t a circumstance that someone coming out would put them at risk.  Unfortunately that is not the world we live in.  Coming out in some countries would put an individual’s life at risk, other countries imprisonment and other criminal punishment.  Interestingly we don’t often think there is a risk to someone in countries such as Australia, the UK and America for coming out.  In most cases this is true however it is sadly too common for harm to come to people when they come out in these countries.  Parents have murdered their children for being gay, in fact for the mere thought that they may be gay.  People have been killed and physically assaulted because others either knew or thought they were gay.  Bullying is far too common and friends and family ending relationships with someone because they are gay happen too frequently as well.  So while I would love to hope that everyone could not only come out, but that coming out would be either not necessary just like people do not announce they are straight or that it would cause no negative reaction, that is not where we are right now. 

Ultimately it is the choice of the individual however I worry sometimes the difficulty and emotional harm people face by not being their authentic selves with people important to them.  I personally think that would be torturous and how hard it must be to maintain a facade. 

Have you ever had a bad reaction from friends/family?

The simple answer is yes and out of respect for those people I will not share the details publically on this blog.  Relationships have been strained and ended as a result.  It’s interesting though, in my experience and in Monique’s, often it is the people who you think will be OK that struggle and the ones that you think will not accept you that do in fact embrace you.  It is definitely not easy and far too many relationships are ended due to people not being able to cope with the idea that their friend or relative is gay.  Eye opening and very sad.  Times change and I hope that more and more people do not experience situations where they lose friends and family over being gay.  It’s strange to say how much respect I have for the people in my life who have stood by me from day 1, I wish it wasn’t something that was even a consideration, but it is.  I am thankful to those people. 

Any Advice?

If you are straight know how important it is to support people in anyway that is right for you.  Straight allies signing petitions, standing by our sides at rallies and taking our word for how important legal changes are fills me with hope.  Society will continue to change for the better when straight and gay people are side by side fighting discrimination and supporting equality. 

If you are gay – trust yourself and love yourself.  You are the person you are meant to be – live it if you can. 

Any of my gay friends or gay people who read this blog or Facebook page want to answer the same questions?  I’d love to hear your viewpoint. I've put the questions below so it is easy for you to copy them. 

When did you know you were gay?

Is being gay a choice?

Should I ask my son, daughter, friend if they are gay?

Should everyone come out?

Have you ever had a bad reaction from friends/family?

Any Advice?

A

Adele Fisher Copyright 2014 

Your time now!

It's time for you to request  a topic or questions.  Join in, there is barely a topic that is out of bounds.  Let me hear your questions or items you would like to explore further.  If you don't feel comfortable to put it openly on the page, message me and I will include it in a topic. 

A

Nature, nurture or neither?

Over the years I have spent a lot of time discussing with people the importance of proving that being gay was not a choice and that looking for the genetic 'cause' was key to achieving equality.  Surely if it were proven that we had no choice in the matter the bigotry and discrimination would have to cease.  Just like the colour of our hair, eyes and skin; if we didn't choose, how can we be considered bad, wrong, disordered, ungodly or any of the other terms used to describe people in the LGB community and how could people continue to suggest that we need to be 'cured' or change our 'lifestyle choice'. 

I strongly argued the value of finding the 'gay gene' and the genetic answer to this seemingly essential question. I debated and discussed with people who had a different opinion and didn't feel a need to find a cause so to speak.  I was always unsure how they could feel this way, surely they understood how helpful this would be?  Groundbreaking? The key to everything?  Utopia.

I am now less convinced about how important this actually is and whether it would be beneficial or potentially harmful to find an elusive gene.  Let's consider if it were medically proven that being gay was actually genetic.  Where would that leave us?  Potentially it would leave us in a position where it could be considered a defect and therefore something to be medicated, treated and cured.

What are my thoughts now?  Is it a choice?  Does it matter?  I don't believe it does.  Should we be hunting for a genetic answer - I don't know.  I actually believe sexuality is on a spectrum and just like so many variants in life people are spread along a broad range of possibilities and the possibilities are endless and unique to each individual - as unique as our fingerprint.  Just as a straight person is unable to pin point the moment they chose to be straight and why they are attracted to a certain person, I believe it is the same across the spectrum of sexuality.  When you fall in love it is indeed with a person not a gender. 

What do we know?  Painting a boy's toenails or fingernails will not make him gay.  A young girl who prefers to play with trucks will not be a lesbian as a result of this.  You cannot turn someone gay.  Allowing a child, youth or adult to be themselves and love who they love will help them have a strong sense of self and will directly reduce the amount of self harm and suicide. 

This is something we can all do to make a difference and that should be where our efforts as a society are going.  Stop discrimination and fight homophobia.  Acknowledging that some people are same-sex attracted, others attracted to their opposite sex and every possible gender and sexuality variation in between is the ideal approach we can take.  Why?  It will save lives.  We are not seeking the straight gene and therefore there is no reason to seek the gay one. 

Thoughts? 

A

Adele Fisher Copyright 2014

Heard of Harvey Milk? Remembering our heros past!

Harvey Milk day is marked this Thursday 22nd May and passed the US senate in 2010.  Have you heard of Harvey Milk?  What about Stuart Milk or the Milk Foundation?

Harvey Milk was an LGBTI hero and leader in the civil rights movement.  There are many brave people who have paved the way for us today and some; Harvey for example gave their life to fight for equal rights. 

I only heard about Harvey Milk a handful of years ago.  I learned he was one of the first openly gay officials elected, this was in the USA and the year was 1977.  He didn't complete a year in office because he was assassinated within his first year in office.  His nephew Stuart Milk was 17 at the time and following in his uncle's bold footsteps moved to ensure that his legacy was not lost and his support of all marginalized groups continued to prosper locally, nationally and globally. While Harvey Milk championed civil right for the LGBTI community he was also a civil and human rights activist.

A commitment to serving a broad constituency, not just LGBT people, helped make Milk an effective and popular supervisor. His ambitious reform agenda included protecting gay rights—he sponsored an important anti-discrimination bill—as well as establishing day care centers for working mothers, the conversion of military facilities in the city to low-cost housing, reform of the tax code to attract industry to deserted warehouses and factories, and other issues. He was a powerful advocate for strong, safe neighborhoods, and pressured the mayor’s administration to improve services for the Castro such as library services, and community policing. In addition, he spoke out on state and national issues of interest to LGBT people, women, racial and ethnic minorities  and other marginalized communities

Stuart commenced the Milk Foundation alongside Harvey's campaign manager Anne Kronenberg.

This quote from Harvey wraps his view up much more clearly than I could. 
In one of his eloquent speeches, Milk spoke of the American ideal of equality, proclaiming, “Gay people, we will not win our rights by staying quietly in our closets. … We are coming out to fight the lies, the myths, the distortions. We are coming out to tell the truths about gays, for I am tired of the conspiracy of silence, so I’m going to talk about it. And I want you to talk about it. You must come out.”

Harvey Milk was fully aware that his life was at risk.  He received up to daily death threats and he prepared himself for the thought that he may be assassinated. 
One of his tapes contained the now-famous statement, “If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door.” His nephew, Stuart Milk, a teenager at the time, and close with his uncle, came out, along with countless others across the nation, on the day his uncle was killed. Shortly after Milk’s death, people marching for gay rights in Washington, D.C., chanted “Harvey Milk lives!”

His murderer was sentence to less than 8 years prison.

All quotes on this page come from Milk Foundation Website    Learn more about Harvey Milk and his legacy  Here

Give Harvey a thought on Thursday and a thank you for all he gave.

A

Adele Fisher Copyright 2014

Gay Parents Australia

I'd suggest you all join and check out this great Australian initiative. Parents

International Day Against Homophobia - IDAHO Day 17th May

This Saturday 17th May is the International Day Against Homophobia (IDAHO) which commenced in 2004.  There are some alterations to this term that I would like to acknowledge, IDAHO is a day against all phobias and hate expressed towards gender diverse people. 

What is IDAHO about?  IDAHO is to celebrate diversity and to promote discussion about violence and discrimination.  It differs to Pride events because it is a day to address laws, politics and other social constructs which negatively impact on the people represented by IDAHO.  Discrimination, hate crimes and violence varies from country to country, city to city.  The brutal truth is that discrimination at best chips away at people in the LGBTI community and at worse it harms and kills people.  That is why IDAHO is important.    I find this image one of the best descriptions of what permitting discrimination does. 

The theme this year is Freedom of Expression which is a fantastic theme to promote discussion about removing discriminatory laws and behaviours. When was the last time you overlooked a statement that was discriminatory because it was easier to do so?  IDAHO is a day to reconsider what you tolerate. 

What can you do to support and celebrate IDAHO day?  Whether you are a straight ally or part of the LGBTI community you can add your voice to this discussion. 

On your social media accounts post one of the photos I have attached below or use one as your profile picture. 
Start or join a discussion about Freedom of Expression for people in the LGBTI community
Join Thunderclap an online flashmob
See what's happening in Australia
Or pick one of these Quick Actions

What will I do? 
Speak out on social media.  My blog, twitter and facebook accounts will highlight IDAHO day and spread the message
Answer any questions asked
Post images about IDAHO
Join Thunderclap

What will you do? 

Dykes on Bikes Queensland - The story so far and a must buy Calendar

This is the original draft of an article I wrote for  LOTL magazine earlier this year.  LOTL are great supporters of Dykes On Bikes.  Here is the complete article not fully published before.  It's a story that I think shows the true spirit of the Dykes on Bikes Queensland Chapter and should be heard.

The mention of Dykes on Bikes (DOB) has become synonymous with leading Pride parades around the world.  I am sure most of us, when we hear Dykes on Bikes mentioned, can either recall seeing the highly polished chrome and black leather supplemented by the rainbow colours roaring ahead to champion Pride at Sydney Mardi Gras or at countless Pride marches across Australia or around the world.  When I sat down with Julz Raven, President of the Queensland Chapter of Dykes on Bikes I found out so much more.   As I listened Julz took me on a journey of understanding the history and the evolution of DOB across the world and in Queensland. 

History

The first group of the Women’s Motorcycle Contingent (WMC) – later to become Dykes on Bikes, started in San Francisco at the head of the Pride Parade in 1976 with the motto “Ride with Pride”.  Those 20 – 25 women surely had no idea what their group was to start around the globe.  They and others attended for about 10 years until it became necessary to formalise their group and they became the WMC.  In the early days the term Dykes on Bikes came internally from the group and as years went on the press and LGBT culture embraced the term.  Interestingly though it took until 2003 until DOB was added to the name and then a further three years of trademark wars to progress before the trademark of Dykes on Bikes was officially granted to the San Francisco group and there is an appeal ongoing.     

The Queensland Chapter

Once the DOB movement came to Australia, the mid-nineties saw the establishment of a Queensland chapter overseen by the mother club, the "San Francisco Dykes on Bikes Women's Motorcycle Contingent". The past 3 years has been a period of change for the Queensland chapter.  The membership has increased dramatically; an extra line has been added to the motto – “Respect One Another” and the group have added social events and are now embarking on adopting an annual charity, in addition to their existing monthly rides. 

The Queensland Chapter is the only state-wide chapter of Dykes on Bikes in the world. The members are fiercely committed to supporting one and another and promote a positive, healthy, family friendly community of belonging.  The members range from their 20’s to their 60’s and all bring a wide range of personal history to their shared interest of riding motorbikes. 

There is so much to say and the story doesn’t end here.  Listening to Julz showed me just how passionate she is about the club and how valued current members and future members are.  The group is flexible and responds to the voice of its members.  I couldn’t put the responsibility of the presidency better than Julz did herself, “It's not my club I just look after it for now".

This year charity funds raised by the Queensland DOB chapter will be going to Open Doors.  http://www.opendoors.net.au/?page_id=306

For more information on DOB Queensland and membership see http://www.dykesonbikesqld.org/

Calendar

It’s an international first.  With the OK given by the San Francisco DOB the Queensland chapter have embarked on the first ever DOB Calendar.  The girls and the bikes look amazing!  We have the calendar proudly displayed at our place; it's a July 2014 - June 2015 calendar so now is the time to buy. 

There is another story - about how each of the photos, in their unique and sometimes challenging settings, just fell into place for these amazing women and they are some excellent stories.  I'm hoping they might share some of these stories in the comments. Yes girls I'm talking to you and hoping you might feel like sharing.  ;-)

A 

 

(from the Queensland DOB website)

Its official – the first ever Dykes On Bikes calendar has arrived and is now for sale!!  This 12 month July 2014 to June 2015 calendar will keep you drooling all year and give you plenty of gay pages to write those special dates on.  International purchases welcome – just email us to make these arrangements via president@dykesonbikesqld.org

Great photos of some amazing bikes, hot dykes and a bit of leather!  $20 from our members at local events, or $25 online via Ebay – either way get yourself this amazing calendar and help us raise some funds for our deserving charity (Open Doors Youth Services).

Our Commitment Ceremony

One evening in 1999 Monique and I were sitting outside near our pool and she proposed to me.  Including being on bended knee.  So very traditional.  What did this mean?  It meant we chose to marry each other and of course I said yes.  15 years later we remain engaged.  Unable to legally marry in our own country.  We can take a quick trip to New Zealand or a range of other countries however when we set foot back on Australian soil our marriage would not be considered valid.  Did you know that same-sex married couples that move to Australia do not have their marriage recognised even though it is legal in the country they married?

We decided to do the next best thing available to us.  A commitment ceremony.   This was before there was the fleeting Civil Union rights in Queensland and before the watered down Relationship Register which is akin to registered a vehicle or pet.

Our commitment ceremony was beautiful.  Months and months of planning.  Enlisting friends to help with catering, cake making and other 'wedding' planning.  We both bought beautiful outfits.  My dress was dark purple and Gothic in design, I had flowers in my hair and bare feet.  Monique wore black dress pants, a flowing purple shirt and purple Doc Martins.  We met beforehand with a minister from the Metropolitan Community Churches who officiated our ceremony.  He took us through a range of discussions quite similar to the marriage planning in conventional heterosexual marriage preparation. 

We had the ceremony in our backyard, flame lanterns lit the area and the ceremony started at 6pm.  We each had a male and female friend/family member as a bridesmaid/groomsman.  We walked out to the song 'She' by Elvis Costello.  Link  A stunning song that explain how important 'she' is.

As we walked out our family and friends blew bubbles and I will never forget the moment of walking through those bubbles heading to make a life long commitment.  A storm was brewing in the sky and there was thunder and lightening during the ceremony - some might say that was a bad omen, for us it was stunning and made the evening so memorable.  We spoke vows and we exchanged rings. 

The woman next door screaming abuse at her children was memorable also - that was something we could have done without. However that doesn't compare to later in the evening after the rain when Monique's mother slipped and fractured her ankle in three places.  So an ambulance visit was not in the plan but happened none the less. 

We were supported by so many people at our commitment ceremony.  A grandmother, parents, brothers, a sister in law, aunt, uncle, nephews and so many friends.  That day was magical and it meant so much at the time.  We celebrated our love and we had a huge party. The next morning we continued to be waited on by friends and then we headed off for a holiday.

Reflecting now though after all these years it was a party.  Definitely a party to celebrate our relationship however it holds nothing like a true marriage would hold.  Yes we live our lives in the same way married couples do however we are not married.  On our tenth anniversary together we bought each other new engagement rings.  It was at that point that I removed my wedding band.  Many may see my reasoning as quite petty but it is what it is.  I will not put that wedding band on again until we have a marriage that is legally recognised.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Why the Special Occassions and Celebrations? Part 2

We've already talked about some of the special dates and celebrations that are shared by part of the LGBTI community.  I think now is a good time to bring up the fact that like any group of people with something in common the LGBTI community is not a homogenous group by any stretch of the imagination.  Diversity within the community is celebrated and embraced.  So here is my disclaimer, I am writing from my perspective and the experiences I have; you get my opinions and I am not speaking on behalf of the entire community.  I am sure that others may chime in with alternative viewpoints and I look forward to that.  You'll also note that I refer to it as Marriage Equality instead of Gay Marriage.  It is not Gay Marriage I am hoping for, it is simply marriage.  A great quote explains this well.

"It's very dear to me, the issue of gay marriage, or as I like to call it: 'MARRIAGE' you know, because I had lunch this afternoon, not gay lunch; I parked my car, I didn't gay park it." 

The special dates and celebrations I want to talk about is the event that many people celebrate across the world day in and day out.  Marriage!

Marriage equality has been topical for many years and over these years we have seen countries and states move to legislate for marriage equality.  Within this time frame we have also seen countries, including Australia, alter legislation to specifically exclude same-sex couples from marriage.  This happened in Australia in 2004.  The first same sex marriage law in the world was signed in the Netherlands in December 2000.  Hard to believe that was a mere 14 years ago and on a side note it was a month after Monique and I had our Commitment Ceremony. 

Why is marriage important?  No doubt you have heard or thought yourself ; "Does it really matter? What difference does a piece of paper make?"

Always an interesting conversation.  It's true there is no piece of paper in the world that literally makes a difference to anyone or for anything. What does make a difference is the symbolism and what that paper represents throughout society.  Some LGBTI people do not want to get married just as there are straight people who do not want to marry.  The difference between the two groups, in places where there is not yet marriage equality, is that one group has the option and the other does not. 

Marriage equality does not and will not address all discrimination there is toward LGBTI people however what it does do is act as a tipping point.  In the absence of marriage equality fundamental changes for LGBTI people will not gather significant momentum.  Societal changes will happen when the greater majority of people no longer accept inequality and marriage equality is the most visible of these inequalities.  For those of you who are married imagine if you were told you were unable to marry or your marriage were null and void.  Consider what rights, recognition, assumptions and values are placed on the status of being married. 

Where I stand on this issue is that I believe every same sex couple should have the choice to marry.  That is the only option for equality when it comes to recognition of relationships.  I believe the Marriage Ceremony should be separated from the legal Marriage Act.  By separating the two it would allow religious institutions to conduct ceremonies and rituals while also allowing them to determine under what conditions they would and would not perform these.  e.g. if they choose not to conduct marriage ceremonies for same sex couples they should retain this right, just as the catholic church does now in relation to divorced people.  The legal contract of marriage defined in the Marriage Act should be available to all couples regardless of gender thus providing the only possible fully equal status in regard to relationships. 

Some quick questions/comments and responses. 

• Isn't a civil union enough?  No it's not.  There is no way to be equal if the rights of individuals differ depending on the gender of their partner.  Equal but different is not an option.  
• Why not call it something different than marriage and just have the same rights?  For the same reason above different cannot be equal.  
• Marriage is a Christian sacrament and the Bible does not allow marriage equality.  Marriage ceremonies and marriages actually predate Christianity.  Marriages are performed within other religions and in Australia more marriages are conducted outside of a church than within.  
• Once there is same-sex marriage people will want to marry their dog next.  The old slippery slope argument. There is but one response to this.  Marriage is between two unrelated adults who are able to consent. This sentence negates all the wild slippery slope arguments - children are unable to consent, animals are unable to consent, siblings are related and so on.  (I am excluding arranged marriages here) 
• Marriage cannot be redefined.  Marriage has actually been on a long road of evolution from its inception.  From dowries to arranged marriages and family connections to the idea of love about 250 years ago.  Other changes have included mixed religion marriages, interracial marriages, marriages prompting feuding between powerful families and different classes.  Marriage has well and truly been redefined there is no valid reason to stop here.   

You will see from this list that many of the arguments against Marriage Equality are often red herrings only.  If you scratch the surface just slightly they fall apart.

In a future blog I will tell you all about our commitment ceremony.

What are your thoughts on Marriage Equality?  As always remember I invite your questions and comments.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014  

Why the Special Occasions and Celebrations? Part 1

The first Pride Rally and March I attended was both life changing and life affirming.  I will never forget the overwhelming sense of inclusion and belonging.  To arrive at a park in central Brisbane surrounded by hundreds of LGBTI people and their straight allies was nearly impossible to comprehend.  For the first time ever I was part of the majority.  Everywhere I turned there were people simply being themselves and knowing they were part of the whole on that day.  There are no words to describe how freeing it feels when day in day out you are part of a minority.  The best part of celebrating Pride is that the feeling of inclusion doesn't go away in subsequent years.  It's a day of paradise.  I expect that may sound particularly over the top yet it's not, for me that is precisely how exciting the day is.  The camaraderie and kindness is palpable.

That's what Pride means to me but what is it and why is it held?

A quick online search reveals the following questions and I would expect the majority of LGBTI people have heard the question or been on the receiving end of a similar question.    

"Why do you have gay pride parades?  We don't have straight pride parades.  (And isn't pride a sin?)"

"You never see parades with people almost naked, wearing body glitter, on floats, celebrating how awesome it is being straight do you?" 


"So recently in Australia there was a Gay pride parade. And that made me think so they have a gay pride parade because they're proud to be gay, but if it's all about equality and everyone's the same then why not a straight pride parade also.

P.S I am not discriminating against anyone I think everyone is they same" 

What are these special occasions and celebrations all about?   On the surface they may appear to be celebrations of being gay and free which in part is true.  There is however a long and deeply painful history that has been experienced by the people of the LGBTI community who came before us.  It is this history and the way our forebears suffered and fought for the freedoms we have today that is recognised and celebrated during these events.  The final part of the celebration and protest is that we are not yet experiencing full equality and these events provide the community with channels to highlight where there remains discrimination and inequality.  

The most well known of these events internationally are Pride events.  These are generally held in June although there are some areas that alter the dates due to poor weather.  Why June?  In the early hours of June 28th 1969 there was a police raid of The Stonewall situated in New York City.  Previously police had raided this and other venues where gay people gathered, drank and socialised and usually the venues opened again quickly.  On this night however riots began and they continued for 6 days.  Remember this was a time when it was illegal to be homosexual and homosexuality was considered a mental illness.  There are stories of corruption within the police force and the mafia ownership of the venue.  More Info

What the people at Stonewall chose to do that night was to take a stand, to no longer be invisible and attempt to demonstrate that they were everyday people who should be free to enjoy the company of friends without risk of harassment and persecution for simply being who they were.   The following June a parade was held to commemorate 12 months since the Stonewall riots and that was the birth of Pride marches.  

In answer to why is there a gay pride event and not a straight pride event therefore the answer is both rational and simple.  Straight people do not share this history and are not continuing to this day to seek full equality to varying degrees throughout the globe.   

There is another day, for many a less known one and it's a day which is held to increase awareness and specifically target discrimination, hate crimes and human rights issues for LGBTI people.  This day is called
International Day Against Homophobia & Transphobia or IDAHO for short and is celebrated on 17 May.  This year is the 10th year of IDAHO and it has continued to evolve since it started in 2004.  There is current consideration to expanding the name to something that relates to Gender Diversity.  Events for IDAHO are held in over 120 countries and take many shapes and forms.  With IDAHO being just around the corner you can show your support on 17th May by posting the below image to your social media sites.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014  




 

That's so gay

An update and addition to my previous post about homophobic language.  Has anyone checked out this website?

No Homophobes

It shows an amazing real time view of the use of four terms on social media.  The terms are Faggot, No Homo, Dyke and So Gay.

Just to give you an idea of the volume right now for today the numbers are:

Faggot - 24,835
No Homo - 5,156
Dyke - 3,794
So Gay - 6,706

In the time it took me to write those four numbers Faggot has increased to 24,892 and I'm not a slow typist!

Is it asking to much for everyone of us to start actively addressing casual and vindictive homophobic language?  I think not.  We are all responsible for speaking out against homophobic and transphobic language.   If we don't speak up who will?  By the way Faggot has just reached 25,085 while I am been writing.

Next time you hear one of these words used what will you say?  Will you address it in person and in online communities?  Do you have creative ideas on how to address this type of language?

Youth bullying, suicide and parenting - everyone is responsible for helping whether you accept it or not.

WARNING this post contains offensive language.  

Have you been guilty of saying that if it isn't one thing it will be another thing that children get bullied for?  I know I certainly have.  Have you  or your friends/family used the words; gay, poofter, shirt lifter, queer, butch, dyke, carpet muncher, nellie, poof, bum chum, lesbo, homo and the list goes on and gets weirder, to negatively describe a person or a situation?  What about jokes which stereotype and degrade LGBTI people such as: 

Six mates were seated at the bar, each trying to impress one another with
the size of their dicks. The bragging went on for almost an hour, and the
bartender got tired of hearing that shit, so he said, "Let's put an end to
all this crap and find out who's lying and who isn't. Each of you whip out
your dong and lay it on the bar." All six of then did.
Just at that moment a faggot walked into the bar, and the bartender asked
him if he wanted a drink.
The queer looked down the bar, and in a lisping voice, he said, "No thanks,
I'll just have some of the buffet."

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
Lickalotapus 

I think it is true to say that many of us have heard these terms used as a negative description of something or someone and similar jokes at the very least.  We may have internally cringed but how many of us have said NO, please stop using that language or NO that joke was not funny?  

It might be at this stage of the post I expect some people consider this might not be a big issue.  Words are words right and they can do no or little harm.  Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Whilst teaching our own children not to bully and supporting them when they are bullied is helpful I believe we have a broader responsibility.  This responsibility is to specifically address bulling topics individually, provide our children and young adults with strategies for themselves and help them learn to respect and support their peers and fellow people. Collectively as parents, peers, teachers, family members, friends and school students we can make these words and jokes if not a thing of the past at least something that is not routinely role modeled to children and then replicated by children.  We can make these as offensive to the general public as racist statements and jokes and terms which degrade those with physical or mental injuries/illnesses.  Why?  What I have described are fundamentally part of the individual and therefore it is abhorrent to be used negatively.  

On the subject of youth who are same-sex attracted who takes responsibility for protecting them from this hate and who helps to educate the world?  Are our schools and homes specifically addressing that our own children or their peers may be same-sex attracted? Or are some people uncomfortable having the discussion? If this isn't happening are we actually leaving some of the most at risk youth to fend for themselves? 

This is not all doom, gloom and negativity.  Not only have homophobic attitudes decreased over time but alongside that there are many initiatives and programs around to support same-sex attracted youth.  Some of these include: students at Australian public schools who are pledging to not allow the term "so gay" to be used by anyone at the school (this initiative was proposed by the students themselves), Wear it Purple day was introduced in Sydney in 2010 and is celebrated internationally to raise awareness of rainbow youth suicide and homophobic bullying, the Open Doors youth program specifically designed to support youth in the LGBTI community,  IDAHO day is a day to highlight action against homophobia and Australian football codes publicly uniting against homophobia.  How many of you have heard of these initiatives or special days?  

More info on the students banning the term 'So Gay'

Despite the progress there remains a long way to go.  Statistics show that two thirds of young same-sex attracted people have contemplated suicide and 80% are bullied for being gay.  These outcomes impact on every aspect of life for these youth.  Academic performance, peer relationships not to mention mental health.  One quarter of those bullied experience the bullying on a daily basis.  If bullying is at school it often doesn't go away at the end of the day where they should be able to return to the safe confines of their home.  Cyber bullying can make this a constant major stressor from the moment a child opens their eyes to when they fall asleep at the end of the day.  

More info on statistics 

So why is this the responsibility of all of us even those who oppose equality?  It is our responsibility because these are our youth, our children, our grandchildren, our nieces and nephews, the children of our friends and our children's peers who are being damaged and we can stop it together.  If we don't stop it the plain facts are; best case scenario these youth feel shame, fear, sadness and so on, the worst case scenario they die.  It is difficult to find statistics on the number of youth suicides related to being gay or lesbian.  I am not really sure that the statistics in this case are relevant because there is no level of suicide by children due to their sexual orientation that we should ever consider acceptable.  

What can you do?  Find ways to help move this language out of society, do not be complicit in jokes that degrade gay people, regardless of your beliefs around rights for gay and lesbian people don't support the use of this type of language, don't role model homophobic language or jokes ever and especially in front of children.  Remember every single time this is allowed to continue there is a risk that a vulnerable youth may be at breaking point.  Help our politicians, role models and religious leaders to understand that referring to LGBTI people as sick, disordered and needing to be cured reinforces that there is something fundamentally wrong with the young person who is gay.  

As usual with my blog posts I really would like to hear your thoughts.  Ideas on how you can correct your friends/family without damaging your relationships?  Suggestions on talking to children about the language which can be so very hurtful and anything else that is on your mind about this topic.  

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

 

Where do we draw the line?

To most of us, in fact I would expect a large majority of us, the news this week that Brunei is introducing penalties which include stoning to death gay people, is difficult to comprehend to say the very least. 

Under the new penal code, based on Islamic Sharia law and upheld by the Sultan who has absolute power, there are a range of punishments not limited to the stoning of gays, severing of limbs for robbery and many other torturous and inhumane sentences.  The last time that a crime would result in the risk of the death penalty in Brunei was 1957 yet May 1st 2014 brings the reintroduction of this penalty. The link below details what is happening in Brunei. 

Stoned to death

This change in the law in Brunei has left me thinking.  I expect 'we' are horrified by this news and probably many of us do a good job of disregarding it as something happening far away, underpinned by religion in a patriarchal society in South East Asia.  Not on our doorstep.  I expect even those who do not support marriage equality, hate crime laws and other protections for gay people would still consider this punishment abhorrent.  How do we allow this to happen in our world and, if we find this unacceptable, what is acceptable?  The laws in Uganda, Russia, Iran, Pakistan and so on have penalties ranging from imprisonment to death.  I've included a link below which shows the status of gay rights globally.  

Where is it illegal to be gay? Millions of people continue to live in places that outlaw same-sex relationships and prosecute people for being gay. In five countries and in parts of two others, homosexuality is still punishable with the death penalty, while a further 70 imprison citizens because of their sexual orientation.

Back to my questioning about what is acceptable as global citizens and what is the impact of these laws more broadly.  If we would consider the death penalty to be unacceptable, that it represents an inhumane punishment for being gay and these laws are based in deeply religious beliefs what then do we think of the countries laws where the penalty isn't death but instead imprisonment such as Africa and the Middle East?  Is this an acceptable option for a country to uphold?  Let's take a look at other countries such as Russia.  The Russian laws are against gay expression.  Next we move to Indonesia and Angola these are countries with contradictory laws including age of consent laws which are different to the heterosexual community.  Venezuela and Bolivia are my next examples and these countries are an example of countries which have anti-discrimination laws. 

This brings me to the USA, Canada, the UK and last but not least Australia.  Arguably some of the most progressive countries in relation to rights for people in the LGBTI community especially in comparison to the laws I have mentioned above.  Marriage laws, domestic partnerships, civil unions, relationship registers through to legal protections in relation to defacto relationships and some hate crime legislation and antidiscrimination laws with various caveats.  I'd like to note Australia is at the very lowest level when it comes to rights in comparison to USA, Canada and the UK. 

While the countries and laws I have included are not exhaustive it demonstrates something very interesting to me.  There is a spectrum when it comes to rights and liberties for LGBTI people.  Starting will full equality such as in Canada all the way through to the death penalty in Brunei and every variation and step in between. 

How can this be justified?  If countries find some of the torturous punishments unacceptable how can they justify any level of discrimination for the same 'crime'.  The discrimination is the same, the rationale is the same and the 'cause' is the same.  Each of these laws or lack of equality and protective laws come down simply to the fact that a person is gay the only difference as I have outlined is the severity of the punishment.  

Our 10 year old daughter was in tears this morning when she heard the news about the Brunei laws.  Why was she upset?  As the tears fell she explained to us that it is because she was frightened.  Frightened because she has two mums and people can be killed in a country for being gay.  For her it isn't foreign people, in foreign countries, with foreign religions creating and upholding laws that are unbelievable to most of us.  For her it is the killing of people for being themselves, just like her mums.    

A


Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

I don't introduce myself as heterosexual....so why talk about being gay?

In response to my questions yesterday a friend of mine messaged me last night and here it what she said.  "But it's not a big deal to us. Eg. I don't walk up to anyone and say 'hi, I'm xxxx and I'm a heterosexual'. I don't even think about it. It's just not a 'thing' in my thinking, if you know what I mean." 

We've had a bit more conversation about this and I asked if she minded if I used her words as the basis for another blog post.  She very kindly agreed and is also interested in the opinions of others.  Thank you to that friend, you know who you are and I appreciate your input.  A

Here goes: 

Every now and again someone will ask me 'why do you talk about being gay, I don't introduce myself as being heterosexual'.  Or simply say 'someone being gay doesn't hit my radar I don't announce I'm heterosexual'.  Most people who know me know that I don't introduce myself as Adele, quickly followed by I'm gay.

It does however cause me to think deeply when people say they don't introduce themselves as heterosexual.  I question myself, do I really make too big a deal of it when others don't see it that way.  Am I, instead of helping to reduce stigma and educate people, actually putting a lens where it is not required.  On reflection however the answer for me is consistently 'no', there is a difference.  I long for the day that this difference doesn't exist yet for now it does and this is one of the reasons I have created this blog and continue to share stories. 

People will often ask a gay person when did they 'come out'.  We differentiate straight and gay people by requiring a gay person to 'announce' their sexuality.  In fact that is not exactly what we do, as a society in general we make an automatic assumption that people are straight until we are told otherwise.  Also when it comes to that moment of 'coming out' it is actually not a moment in time and one event that is finished and over once completed.  It is actually something that goes on for your entire life.  What does this have to do with parenting?  Once you have children it is something that your children are required to do in a sense on your behalf.  That might sound unusual and not something you've thought about before however it is true. 

I can give so many examples of how being gay comes up in conversation that seems and is completely unnecessary and definitely unrelated.  You actually find yourself 'coming out' over and over.  So why does it come up when I or Monique are talking to health professionals, colleagues, acquaintances, tradespeople, shop attendants and the list is endless?


Here are some real life examples that Monique and I have experienced.

I was in hospital a few weeks ago, I said my partner was coming to collect me and the nurse said to just let her know when he arrived.

Someone comes to quote for some work on our roof.  The guy quoting keeps saying to Monique that when she has spoken to her husband to get back to him.

Before a meeting at work people are casually chatting about their weekend I might mention my partner.  Small talk moves on to me being asked what does he do.

Out shopping with Bae and we were buying a piece of jewellery for Monique.  The shop attendant made an understandable assumption that the jewellery we were buying was for me and made a comment about what a lovely daddy Bae must have for him to buy me this necklace. 

We've also had the question, more than once, are we sisters or relatives. 

I understand the automatic assumption of heterosexuality the question that this raises for both Monique and I is do we disclose that in fact our partner is female or do we just let it slide.  Each time something like this happens (and it happens more frequently than you would think) I have to make a decision; do I correct the person or do I just leave it.  Those people who read my blog and are gay will easily relate to situations like this.  Those people who are straight can I suggest you try considering for a moment if someone assumed your partner was the same gender as you often.  

What goes through my head in that split second or few minutes, depending on the circumstances, are quite a number of decisions.  Firstly should I disclose this information?   Is it relevant?  Is not correcting, especially when we are with our children, interpreted by them as being ashamed of our family?  Is there a risk with disclosing?  You never know what someone's beliefs are, and if they are in your home such as a tradesperson, could you be putting yourself or your family at risk?  Am I going to be in contact with this person again and is it right to let them know to save future embarrassment/discomfort etc. for them?

The list goes on and I hope that gives you some idea of why being gay, no matter how much we would like it to be irrelevant, isn't.  Our sexuality is part of who we are, gay, straight and everything in between, it is not the whole of us.  However our society is so strongly geared towards assumed heterosexuality and therefore seeming unrelated situations and circumstances leave us in a situation where we need to make a choice whether to disclose our sexuality or not and often this is to strangers or acquaintances. 

This article also made me reflect on the journey of my book and its relevance.  As the author so rightly points out, being a gay parent is much more about being a parent than being a gay parent.  Yet wish as we might that having gay parents does not impact on our children's lives I believe this is not yet possible.  It is not the overwhelming majority of our focus by any means however it is reality and it will continue to be so for now. 

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

What is a positive, caring sexual relationship?

"KAP leader and son of the party’s founder, Robert ‘Robbie’ Katter, argued that the harm done by early sexualisation of children by exposure to “adult sexual behaviour” could damage the “foundation they need to become adults who are capable of forming positive, caring sexual relationships”."

Proposal to limit advertising

So what type of advertising do you think is reasonable in public.  I don't see anyway to limit the audience and therefore we need to consider public only.  What I find absolutely astounding is that groups such as the KAP, PUP and ACL believe that children should not be 'exposed' to sexualised advertising.   SERIOUSLY?  We need to be clear what the ACL et. al. are trying to avoid.  It is not sexualised advertising, it is anything that reflects non-heterosexual advertising. 

There is sexualised advertising everywhere. 

Here is a few

When was the last time you saw a woman draped over a car? 
When was the last time you saw a women in an unbuttoned shirt or underwear - selling something that isn't clothes? 
When was the last time you saw a man, half naked selling some inanimate object or person product? 

We see sexualised advertising everywhere.  What we see is hetero-normative and therefore something we either don't register or do not see on the 'offensive' or 'questionable' spectrum. The first sign of a homosexual relationship in advertising causes an uproar.  Is this not a fundamental concern? 

Your thoughts are welcome. 

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Fatal families

In the past week Savannah and Indiana died at the hands of their father and Fiona Warzywoda died at the hands of her ex-partner of 15 years.  Last night a woman was attacked in her home in Brisbane by her ex-partner at 2.30 in the morning while she and her children slept.  He took his own life and left her in hospital.

I've spent a lot of time reading about these deaths and talking with friends about why and how this happens.  There is no easy answer or one would hope that the answer would have been provided and in place by now. 

What is so scary are the statistics in the article linked below. 

 Frightening stats

• One woman is killed every week in Australia by her partner or ex-partner.
• The most dangerous time for a woman victimised by a situation of family or intimate partner violence is the period immediately after leaving. This is when her risk of homicide is at its greatest.

Why don't we know about these statistics and why isn't this topic on the lips of every politician in the country?

What is our Minister for Women doing about this?  

One of the discussions I have had with friends has been is it wrong to consider this a men's issue?  Is it sexist and stereotypical to say this is about men's violence?  I am the first to shy away from anything that stereotypes a group however some comments made in the last few days by friends and friends of friends points very strongly to men's violence being an overwhelming issue.  Yes women can be violent there is no question about it however as these statistics demonstrate the percentages are significantly higher and I am sure this difference would be statistically significant.  

At the risk of appearing sexist are we afraid to call this out for what it is?  A huge issue with violence perpetrated by men exists in this country.  From the coward punch to intimate partner violence we have a problem.   

I don't know the answers but I think we need to keep asking the questions.  

A

Time to reveal my logo/brand image!  Thank you so much to Sharon Hendy-Moman for creating this unique image for me to use.  When I asked Sharon to create me an image that I could use to brand my writing we talked about some ideas however I knew Sharon would create the perfect image and she has.  Here is what she said about creating it.

"My impression of you is that you stand proud and tall. This is always without waver. Your love for your family is immense. I love reading over your blog and to me you are an educator. The open way in which you generously share your life by answering questions and dispelling myth and mystery is very powerful. I was particularly taken with the way in which your family celebrates Father's day. I love the idea that a generous man 'planted a seed' that allowed the four of you to become a family. It was this idea of nurturing love, planting seeds, growing acceptance and standing tall that allowed me to arrive at this elegant tribute as your logo. As a viewer, you should be able to feel growth of knowledge and appreciate the orderly way in which the leaves fall to the ground. There is no chaos - just simple harmony."

If you are ever looking for some amazing art work please consider Sharon.  You can find her on Facebook at Art By Sharon Hendy Moman.

https://www.facebook.com/artbysharonhendymoman?fref=ts

10 things that you might want to ask same-sex parents?

Do you have a list of questions?  If you felt no shame, embarrassment or hesitation in asking questions of same-sex parents what would they be?  Add them to the comment section.  Don't be shy. 

As a same-sex parent here are the questions that I think people may like to ask; well to be honest it is the questions we have been asked.

1. How did you have the child/children? 
2. No, really how did you have them?  Not what type of birth but did you use IVF or were they from a previous heterosexual relationship or did you use the 'turkey baster'?  
3. What does your child/children call you?  Is there a 'mummy' role or 'daddy' role?  
4. What do you tell your child/children about their other biological parent? 
5. Does your child/children have a relationship with their other biological parent? 
6. Are the children related?  
7. How did you go enrolling them in school? 
8. How do you go with other families understanding your family?  
9. What do your family think? 
10. What do you do with Mothers Day or Fathers Day? 

Would you like me to answer these questions to get us started?  I'll answer them and I'd like you to add your questions or if you are a same-sex parented family perhaps you have different answers.

1. Monique and I had our children once we were together.  Monique had our daughter and I gave birth to our son.  
2. We used IUI (Interuterine Insemmination).  Something that is not part of every day conversation but very popular with assisted fertility treatments (ART).  We went to http://qfg.com.au/.  The process was not easy.  Monique had blood tests day after day until her hormone levels were right  every month followed by IUI.  This went on for 18 months.  36 back to back attempts.  Monique says to this day that it was like she was being treated for an illness not attempting to have a baby.  When she was pregnant, we couldn't believe it.  I had 5 months of similar attempts followed by a miscarriage and then another 6 before a pregnancy that lasted to full term.  We both had HCG injections which I gave Monique and myself and we had other medication prescribed by our gynaecologist/obstetrician. 
3. We are mummy (Monique) and mama (Adele).  We have heard so many variations and would love to here more in the comments.  
4. Our children both know there is a wonderful man who helped us become a family.  They also know they will never meet him.  We made a conscious decision to have a donor who was not seeking involvement in the future.  Our rationale behind this was two fold.  Firstly we think it is hard enough to keep two parents together raising children.  Secondly the way the laws in Queensland were at the time (I don't think they have changed yet but expect they will) a donor had the choice to be known and at anytime withdraw this.  That would mean if we had chosen a known donor we could have told the children for years that they would eventually meet their father and then he could withdraw this consent.  A risk we weren't willing to take.  Our children celebrate their father.  Every Father's day they release a balloon each with a note to thank the man who helped us become a family.  Interestingly in the time we had our children, donors got to choose if they were willing to donate to same-sex couples.  In Brisbane at that time the number of men who were willing to donate to same-sex couples was not high.  It makes that man even more special.  
5. No
6. Yes our children are related.  They have the same donor father and different mothers.  It was initially very important to us that the children have the same father which completed our family circle - in some way we were all related.  After such a long period of trying to have children though, to be honest, it was less important.  Even though it was less important we are very glad they have the same donor father.  
7. No issue enrolling in school.  Interestingly we were the first known same-sex parents in the daycare (it had been operational for 17 years) and the first known same-sex parents at the school (it had been operational for over 120 years).  One of the best experiences we have had both from the daycare and the school is that both places were willing to work with us if there was an issue.  We both did a lot of research before having children, one of the key issues was that children had no issue if their peers teased them about their family structure however if they had teachers that struggled to cope with their parents or family structure, that impacted them significantly.  
8. We have never had a major issue with family members.  We know many people who have.  We have been pleasantly surprised by so many and we have experienced people who keep their views to themselves.  
9. Similar to the question above.  Probably if we go back to before children.  It is always a shock for family members to have their heteronormative picture altered.  Some are ok, others aren't and then there is the group that on the surface are OK but lobby other family members.  They are the group I struggle most with.  Honesty is very important.  
10. Mother's Day and Father's Day are very special days for us.  We have a rule in our household that Mother's day gifts must be handmade.  Each of us get a day for Mother's Day.  Father's day is equally as special.  We celebrate wonderful men in the children's lives including their grandfathers.  We also honour their father.  We never pretend he doesn't exist or speak of him poorly.  He is what made us a family.  We have always been blessed by the day care and school in that they double up for Mothers Day.  

A side note about donors.  There was a great friend of mine that adopted her children except for one.  She never wanted adoption to be seen as a negative.  So from the moment they adopted their children they talked about how lucky they were that someone allowed them to adopt.  They made it a positive word.  That is what gave us the idea to make sure that donor was never a negative, that the children's father was never negative.  He is a wonderful man and he is always considered positively in our home.

 
Over to you........

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Putting a call out for your ideas or ideas from your friends

The bare bones of my book are continuing to take shape.  What I am seeking from anyone who reads my blog is input or ideas into some of the themes or chapters.  If you have nothing to add or don't feel like putting your thoughts out there quite yet please keep reading anyway and another way you can assist is by helping me share this blog with your connections.  This will hopefully help me get a balanced view and a range of opinions from many people.

You might be wondering what type of ideas and comments I am looking for.  It's really anything; if you are parents, teachers, grandparents, parents to be and either have questions or comments to make please just go for it.  This is not exclusively for gay people only, everyone's opinions are welcome*.  

The list of chapters has not changed but here is a reminder.  Any and all thoughts are welcome no matter how left field they might seem. 

1. Introduction
2. Family Structures 
3. Conception and Pregnancy
4. Birth
5. Families and Friends 
6. A child, two or more
7. Day Care and School
8. Special Occasions and Celebrations
9. Those situations 
10. Those conversations
11. Legal
12. For teachers and carers
13. For grandparents
14. For those wanting to know more about our families 
15. Marriage Equality 
16. Q and A 
17. The views of our children 
18. Conclusion

*only exception is hateful, offensive statements which are not constructive and do not add to the purpose of this blog.

 


Copyright Adele Fisher 2014