In response to my questions yesterday a friend of mine messaged me last night and here it what she said. "But it's not a big deal to us. Eg. I don't walk up to anyone and say 'hi, I'm xxxx and I'm a heterosexual'. I don't even think about it. It's just not a 'thing' in my thinking, if you know what I mean."
We've had a bit more conversation about this and I asked if she minded if I used her words as the basis for another blog post. She very kindly agreed and is also interested in the opinions of others. Thank you to that friend, you know who you are and I appreciate your input. A
Here goes:
Every now and again someone will ask me 'why do you talk about being gay, I don't introduce myself as being heterosexual'. Or simply say 'someone being gay doesn't hit my radar I don't announce I'm heterosexual'. Most people who know me know that I don't introduce myself as Adele, quickly followed by I'm gay.
It does however cause me to think deeply when people say they don't introduce themselves as heterosexual. I question myself, do I really make too big a deal of it when others don't see it that way. Am I, instead of helping to reduce stigma and educate people, actually putting a lens where it is not required. On reflection however the answer for me is consistently 'no', there is a difference. I long for the day that this difference doesn't exist yet for now it does and this is one of the reasons I have created this blog and continue to share stories.
People will often ask a gay person when did they 'come out'. We differentiate straight and gay people by requiring a gay person to 'announce' their sexuality. In fact that is not exactly what we do, as a society in general we make an automatic assumption that people are straight until we are told otherwise. Also when it comes to that moment of 'coming out' it is actually not a moment in time and one event that is finished and over once completed. It is actually something that goes on for your entire life. What does this have to do with parenting? Once you have children it is something that your children are required to do in a sense on your behalf. That might sound unusual and not something you've thought about before however it is true.
I can give so many examples of how being gay comes up in conversation that seems and is completely unnecessary and definitely unrelated. You actually find yourself 'coming out' over and over. So why does it come up when I or Monique are talking to health professionals, colleagues, acquaintances, tradespeople, shop attendants and the list is endless?
Here are some real life examples that Monique and I have experienced.
I was in hospital a few weeks ago, I said my partner was coming to collect me and the nurse said to just let her know when he arrived.
Someone comes to quote for some work on our roof. The guy quoting keeps saying to Monique that when she has spoken to her husband to get back to him.
Before a meeting at work people are casually chatting about their weekend I might mention my partner. Small talk moves on to me being asked what does he do.
Out shopping with Bae and we were buying a piece of jewellery for Monique. The shop attendant made an understandable assumption that the jewellery we were buying was for me and made a comment about what a lovely daddy Bae must have for him to buy me this necklace.
We've also had the question, more than once, are we sisters or relatives.
I understand the automatic assumption of heterosexuality the question that this raises for both Monique and I is do we disclose that in fact our partner is female or do we just let it slide. Each time something like this happens (and it happens more frequently than you would think) I have to make a decision; do I correct the person or do I just leave it. Those people who read my blog and are gay will easily relate to situations like this. Those people who are straight can I suggest you try considering for a moment if someone assumed your partner was the same gender as you often.
What goes through my head in that split second or few minutes, depending on the circumstances, are quite a number of decisions. Firstly should I disclose this information? Is it relevant? Is not correcting, especially when we are with our children, interpreted by them as being ashamed of our family? Is there a risk with disclosing? You never know what someone's beliefs are, and if they are in your home such as a tradesperson, could you be putting yourself or your family at risk? Am I going to be in contact with this person again and is it right to let them know to save future embarrassment/discomfort etc. for them?
The list goes on and I hope that gives you some idea of why being gay, no matter how much we would like it to be irrelevant, isn't. Our sexuality is part of who we are, gay, straight and everything in between, it is not the whole of us. However our society is so strongly geared towards assumed heterosexuality and therefore seeming unrelated situations and circumstances leave us in a situation where we need to make a choice whether to disclose our sexuality or not and often this is to strangers or acquaintances.
This article also made me reflect on the journey of my book and its relevance. As the author so rightly points out, being a gay parent is much more about being a parent than being a gay parent. Yet wish as we might that having gay parents does not impact on our children's lives I believe this is not yet possible. It is not the overwhelming majority of our focus by any means however it is reality and it will continue to be so for now.
A
Copyright Adele Fisher 2014
You have hit the nail on the head Adele.
ReplyDeleteI understand many heterosexual people have probably not given this any thought, and I urge them to stop and think about the impact on their life if repeatedly everyone they had contact with, made an incorrect assumption about who they were.
Imagine this assumption being made not just once, but repeatedly for the rest of your life - every time you meet new people at social events, every time you access health services, every time you change jobs, every time you move house - it gets very draining having so many people assume you are someone you are not.
The term to describe widespread assumptions that everyone is heterosexual, is hetero-normality.
In some social circles, people might ask for example - "tell me about your partner, what sort of work does he or she do?".
This is a terrific response that opens the conversation to allowing disclosure and honesty, and I urge everyone to make comments like this, rather than assuming. If you are not fully comfortable asking "he or she", you could instead use "they", which makes no assumption of being heterosexual.
Sure, there are many times we let it go and choose not to correct someone who assumes we are heterosexual. Often you think I won't be seeing this person again, so it doesn't matter. But then sometimes you later think, perhaps I should have corrected them by coming out to them. By alerting them to the fact that not everyone is straight, may mean next time they meet a gay person, they do not automatically assume they are straight.
Another consideration is the negative mental health impacts that can follow from long-term invisibility and repeatedly not being acknowledged or validated as the person you truly are.
The more gay people who are out of the closet, the more society is exposed to people who are not heterosexual, the less people make the assumption that everyone is heterosexual.
This is the best way to break the cycle.
Our heterosexual friends and family can also play their part by asking probing questions when meeting new people - e.g. "tell me about your partner, what sort of work does he or she (or they) do?"
Thank you for your comments Phil. You raise some very worthwhile additional points. The mental health impacts experienced by many gay people and the draining nature of repeatedly being assumed to be straight. Your suggestions about how to phrase questions are excellent. We could all learn from that. A
DeleteIt starts in childhood. We assume that children will grow up to be heterosexual. They are talked to from an early age about when they get married to the opposite sex. When they have a partner of the opposite sex etc. Straight parents do this, as a straight woman, I do it myself, schools do it, society does it. We assume people are straight. This is wrong.
ReplyDeleteIt gives the impression that being heterosexual is normal, therefore it gives the impression that being homosexual is not. Unless I know otherwise, I now use the word 'partner' and encourage my children to do the same. It is normal to have a partner, it is normal to expect children to grow up and have a partner. In the UK I can also say it with regards to marriage, that when they grow up they might get married to their partner.
I do think it's important to correct people, next time they may not assume. Not their fault, it's the way that society sees things, but that has to change.
I do also believe that this change should start with schools, and our children. I was taught at school that girls marry boys and have babies. No other options, that was just it. We need to teach children that they can be with who they want to be with, and in some countries, marry who they want to marry. That being homosexual is as normal as being heterosexual. This would also help the mental health of young gay and lesbians. Hopefully having an effect on the suicide rate for young gay and lesbians as well. It's harder to change what people say and how they see things, than it is to teach them the correct way in the first place.
Abi, you are so right. It is very easy, I know we do it too how hypocritical does that sound, to assume our children are straight. More often than not we correct ourselves and remove gender from discussions of the future however it is very easy to fall into the heteronormative style of society. I find it amazing when you start to focus on gender stereotyping and heteronormative stereotyping how prevalent it is. In schools, in families, in most social settings it is the underlying theme in communication. A
DeleteAdele this is one of those issues that I find infuriating myself. I guess I'm naive, I was brought up to believe that there is nothing wrong with being gay. If people have an issue with it, it is their problem not mine. As a rule when someone makes the assumption that I am a heterosexual I always correct them. I never expect something bad to happen in response to my correcting their assumptions. That being said I have been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty homophobic behaviour, one instance saw us in physical danger. When I say us I mean me, my partner and our eldest daughter. I was outraged that anyone would threaten to harm a child regardless of who their parents were! It was this same incident however that also provided a very positive experience. There were two total strangers who came to our rescue. They didn't have to they could have kept walking like most of the other passers-by did, but they chose to act.
ReplyDeleteAfter this incident my partner and I had a conversation about the merits of being so visible (we'd been holding hands) if it was going to put us in danger. I realised at that moment just how important the idea of gay pride and visibility is. If we are not visible how can we be accepted as part of 'normal' everyday society? I made a decision that day that I would not let anyone maintain any false assumptions about my sexual orientation.
I totally agree with Abi, it starts in childhood. The earlier we teach children that who they love is not important, the easier it will be for them when they fall in love for the first time, be it with someone of the same sex or not.... And the faster society will change. You can see it happening now. Most young people support equal marriage, they don't see what the big deal is.
I have always believed that it is our responsibility as adults and as parents to make the world better for our children. One of the ways we can do that is by destroying stereotypes and assumptions at every opportunity.
One of my favourite quotes at the moment is this:
"Gay pride was not born of a need to celebrate being gay, but our right to exist without persecution. So instead of wondering why there isn't a straight pride movement, be thankful you don't need one."
Little Miss T thanks for your comment. Monique and I felt very much the same about it being the other person's issue not ours until we had children. Once we had children we went through many years of being much more cautious and have only recently changed again. When you are physically endangered it puts everything in a different light doesn't it. We too have been physically attacked and it is something that will stick in my mind forever. Thankfully we were lucky this was before we had children. I am glad passers by showed no apathy and helped you.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about how important visibility is. I believe it is the only way we are ever going to continue to make progress in this area. It is our responsibility as gay people definitely and I would ask our straight allies to help us as I actually believe they will be instrumental in this - we cannot do it without you.
I have always loved that quote. Thank you for your comment, I look forward to your comments in the future.
A