Why the Special Occassions and Celebrations? Part 2

We've already talked about some of the special dates and celebrations that are shared by part of the LGBTI community.  I think now is a good time to bring up the fact that like any group of people with something in common the LGBTI community is not a homogenous group by any stretch of the imagination.  Diversity within the community is celebrated and embraced.  So here is my disclaimer, I am writing from my perspective and the experiences I have; you get my opinions and I am not speaking on behalf of the entire community.  I am sure that others may chime in with alternative viewpoints and I look forward to that.  You'll also note that I refer to it as Marriage Equality instead of Gay Marriage.  It is not Gay Marriage I am hoping for, it is simply marriage.  A great quote explains this well.

"It's very dear to me, the issue of gay marriage, or as I like to call it: 'MARRIAGE' you know, because I had lunch this afternoon, not gay lunch; I parked my car, I didn't gay park it." 

The special dates and celebrations I want to talk about is the event that many people celebrate across the world day in and day out.  Marriage!

Marriage equality has been topical for many years and over these years we have seen countries and states move to legislate for marriage equality.  Within this time frame we have also seen countries, including Australia, alter legislation to specifically exclude same-sex couples from marriage.  This happened in Australia in 2004.  The first same sex marriage law in the world was signed in the Netherlands in December 2000.  Hard to believe that was a mere 14 years ago and on a side note it was a month after Monique and I had our Commitment Ceremony. 

Why is marriage important?  No doubt you have heard or thought yourself ; "Does it really matter? What difference does a piece of paper make?"

Always an interesting conversation.  It's true there is no piece of paper in the world that literally makes a difference to anyone or for anything. What does make a difference is the symbolism and what that paper represents throughout society.  Some LGBTI people do not want to get married just as there are straight people who do not want to marry.  The difference between the two groups, in places where there is not yet marriage equality, is that one group has the option and the other does not. 

Marriage equality does not and will not address all discrimination there is toward LGBTI people however what it does do is act as a tipping point.  In the absence of marriage equality fundamental changes for LGBTI people will not gather significant momentum.  Societal changes will happen when the greater majority of people no longer accept inequality and marriage equality is the most visible of these inequalities.  For those of you who are married imagine if you were told you were unable to marry or your marriage were null and void.  Consider what rights, recognition, assumptions and values are placed on the status of being married. 

Where I stand on this issue is that I believe every same sex couple should have the choice to marry.  That is the only option for equality when it comes to recognition of relationships.  I believe the Marriage Ceremony should be separated from the legal Marriage Act.  By separating the two it would allow religious institutions to conduct ceremonies and rituals while also allowing them to determine under what conditions they would and would not perform these.  e.g. if they choose not to conduct marriage ceremonies for same sex couples they should retain this right, just as the catholic church does now in relation to divorced people.  The legal contract of marriage defined in the Marriage Act should be available to all couples regardless of gender thus providing the only possible fully equal status in regard to relationships. 

Some quick questions/comments and responses. 

• Isn't a civil union enough?  No it's not.  There is no way to be equal if the rights of individuals differ depending on the gender of their partner.  Equal but different is not an option.  
• Why not call it something different than marriage and just have the same rights?  For the same reason above different cannot be equal.  
• Marriage is a Christian sacrament and the Bible does not allow marriage equality.  Marriage ceremonies and marriages actually predate Christianity.  Marriages are performed within other religions and in Australia more marriages are conducted outside of a church than within.  
• Once there is same-sex marriage people will want to marry their dog next.  The old slippery slope argument. There is but one response to this.  Marriage is between two unrelated adults who are able to consent. This sentence negates all the wild slippery slope arguments - children are unable to consent, animals are unable to consent, siblings are related and so on.  (I am excluding arranged marriages here) 
• Marriage cannot be redefined.  Marriage has actually been on a long road of evolution from its inception.  From dowries to arranged marriages and family connections to the idea of love about 250 years ago.  Other changes have included mixed religion marriages, interracial marriages, marriages prompting feuding between powerful families and different classes.  Marriage has well and truly been redefined there is no valid reason to stop here.   

You will see from this list that many of the arguments against Marriage Equality are often red herrings only.  If you scratch the surface just slightly they fall apart.

In a future blog I will tell you all about our commitment ceremony.

What are your thoughts on Marriage Equality?  As always remember I invite your questions and comments.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014  

Why the Special Occasions and Celebrations? Part 1

The first Pride Rally and March I attended was both life changing and life affirming.  I will never forget the overwhelming sense of inclusion and belonging.  To arrive at a park in central Brisbane surrounded by hundreds of LGBTI people and their straight allies was nearly impossible to comprehend.  For the first time ever I was part of the majority.  Everywhere I turned there were people simply being themselves and knowing they were part of the whole on that day.  There are no words to describe how freeing it feels when day in day out you are part of a minority.  The best part of celebrating Pride is that the feeling of inclusion doesn't go away in subsequent years.  It's a day of paradise.  I expect that may sound particularly over the top yet it's not, for me that is precisely how exciting the day is.  The camaraderie and kindness is palpable.

That's what Pride means to me but what is it and why is it held?

A quick online search reveals the following questions and I would expect the majority of LGBTI people have heard the question or been on the receiving end of a similar question.    

"Why do you have gay pride parades?  We don't have straight pride parades.  (And isn't pride a sin?)"

"You never see parades with people almost naked, wearing body glitter, on floats, celebrating how awesome it is being straight do you?" 


"So recently in Australia there was a Gay pride parade. And that made me think so they have a gay pride parade because they're proud to be gay, but if it's all about equality and everyone's the same then why not a straight pride parade also.

P.S I am not discriminating against anyone I think everyone is they same" 

What are these special occasions and celebrations all about?   On the surface they may appear to be celebrations of being gay and free which in part is true.  There is however a long and deeply painful history that has been experienced by the people of the LGBTI community who came before us.  It is this history and the way our forebears suffered and fought for the freedoms we have today that is recognised and celebrated during these events.  The final part of the celebration and protest is that we are not yet experiencing full equality and these events provide the community with channels to highlight where there remains discrimination and inequality.  

The most well known of these events internationally are Pride events.  These are generally held in June although there are some areas that alter the dates due to poor weather.  Why June?  In the early hours of June 28th 1969 there was a police raid of The Stonewall situated in New York City.  Previously police had raided this and other venues where gay people gathered, drank and socialised and usually the venues opened again quickly.  On this night however riots began and they continued for 6 days.  Remember this was a time when it was illegal to be homosexual and homosexuality was considered a mental illness.  There are stories of corruption within the police force and the mafia ownership of the venue.  More Info

What the people at Stonewall chose to do that night was to take a stand, to no longer be invisible and attempt to demonstrate that they were everyday people who should be free to enjoy the company of friends without risk of harassment and persecution for simply being who they were.   The following June a parade was held to commemorate 12 months since the Stonewall riots and that was the birth of Pride marches.  

In answer to why is there a gay pride event and not a straight pride event therefore the answer is both rational and simple.  Straight people do not share this history and are not continuing to this day to seek full equality to varying degrees throughout the globe.   

There is another day, for many a less known one and it's a day which is held to increase awareness and specifically target discrimination, hate crimes and human rights issues for LGBTI people.  This day is called
International Day Against Homophobia & Transphobia or IDAHO for short and is celebrated on 17 May.  This year is the 10th year of IDAHO and it has continued to evolve since it started in 2004.  There is current consideration to expanding the name to something that relates to Gender Diversity.  Events for IDAHO are held in over 120 countries and take many shapes and forms.  With IDAHO being just around the corner you can show your support on 17th May by posting the below image to your social media sites.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014  




 

That's so gay

An update and addition to my previous post about homophobic language.  Has anyone checked out this website?

No Homophobes

It shows an amazing real time view of the use of four terms on social media.  The terms are Faggot, No Homo, Dyke and So Gay.

Just to give you an idea of the volume right now for today the numbers are:

Faggot - 24,835
No Homo - 5,156
Dyke - 3,794
So Gay - 6,706

In the time it took me to write those four numbers Faggot has increased to 24,892 and I'm not a slow typist!

Is it asking to much for everyone of us to start actively addressing casual and vindictive homophobic language?  I think not.  We are all responsible for speaking out against homophobic and transphobic language.   If we don't speak up who will?  By the way Faggot has just reached 25,085 while I am been writing.

Next time you hear one of these words used what will you say?  Will you address it in person and in online communities?  Do you have creative ideas on how to address this type of language?

Youth bullying, suicide and parenting - everyone is responsible for helping whether you accept it or not.

WARNING this post contains offensive language.  

Have you been guilty of saying that if it isn't one thing it will be another thing that children get bullied for?  I know I certainly have.  Have you  or your friends/family used the words; gay, poofter, shirt lifter, queer, butch, dyke, carpet muncher, nellie, poof, bum chum, lesbo, homo and the list goes on and gets weirder, to negatively describe a person or a situation?  What about jokes which stereotype and degrade LGBTI people such as: 

Six mates were seated at the bar, each trying to impress one another with
the size of their dicks. The bragging went on for almost an hour, and the
bartender got tired of hearing that shit, so he said, "Let's put an end to
all this crap and find out who's lying and who isn't. Each of you whip out
your dong and lay it on the bar." All six of then did.
Just at that moment a faggot walked into the bar, and the bartender asked
him if he wanted a drink.
The queer looked down the bar, and in a lisping voice, he said, "No thanks,
I'll just have some of the buffet."

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
Lickalotapus 

I think it is true to say that many of us have heard these terms used as a negative description of something or someone and similar jokes at the very least.  We may have internally cringed but how many of us have said NO, please stop using that language or NO that joke was not funny?  

It might be at this stage of the post I expect some people consider this might not be a big issue.  Words are words right and they can do no or little harm.  Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Whilst teaching our own children not to bully and supporting them when they are bullied is helpful I believe we have a broader responsibility.  This responsibility is to specifically address bulling topics individually, provide our children and young adults with strategies for themselves and help them learn to respect and support their peers and fellow people. Collectively as parents, peers, teachers, family members, friends and school students we can make these words and jokes if not a thing of the past at least something that is not routinely role modeled to children and then replicated by children.  We can make these as offensive to the general public as racist statements and jokes and terms which degrade those with physical or mental injuries/illnesses.  Why?  What I have described are fundamentally part of the individual and therefore it is abhorrent to be used negatively.  

On the subject of youth who are same-sex attracted who takes responsibility for protecting them from this hate and who helps to educate the world?  Are our schools and homes specifically addressing that our own children or their peers may be same-sex attracted? Or are some people uncomfortable having the discussion? If this isn't happening are we actually leaving some of the most at risk youth to fend for themselves? 

This is not all doom, gloom and negativity.  Not only have homophobic attitudes decreased over time but alongside that there are many initiatives and programs around to support same-sex attracted youth.  Some of these include: students at Australian public schools who are pledging to not allow the term "so gay" to be used by anyone at the school (this initiative was proposed by the students themselves), Wear it Purple day was introduced in Sydney in 2010 and is celebrated internationally to raise awareness of rainbow youth suicide and homophobic bullying, the Open Doors youth program specifically designed to support youth in the LGBTI community,  IDAHO day is a day to highlight action against homophobia and Australian football codes publicly uniting against homophobia.  How many of you have heard of these initiatives or special days?  

More info on the students banning the term 'So Gay'

Despite the progress there remains a long way to go.  Statistics show that two thirds of young same-sex attracted people have contemplated suicide and 80% are bullied for being gay.  These outcomes impact on every aspect of life for these youth.  Academic performance, peer relationships not to mention mental health.  One quarter of those bullied experience the bullying on a daily basis.  If bullying is at school it often doesn't go away at the end of the day where they should be able to return to the safe confines of their home.  Cyber bullying can make this a constant major stressor from the moment a child opens their eyes to when they fall asleep at the end of the day.  

More info on statistics 

So why is this the responsibility of all of us even those who oppose equality?  It is our responsibility because these are our youth, our children, our grandchildren, our nieces and nephews, the children of our friends and our children's peers who are being damaged and we can stop it together.  If we don't stop it the plain facts are; best case scenario these youth feel shame, fear, sadness and so on, the worst case scenario they die.  It is difficult to find statistics on the number of youth suicides related to being gay or lesbian.  I am not really sure that the statistics in this case are relevant because there is no level of suicide by children due to their sexual orientation that we should ever consider acceptable.  

What can you do?  Find ways to help move this language out of society, do not be complicit in jokes that degrade gay people, regardless of your beliefs around rights for gay and lesbian people don't support the use of this type of language, don't role model homophobic language or jokes ever and especially in front of children.  Remember every single time this is allowed to continue there is a risk that a vulnerable youth may be at breaking point.  Help our politicians, role models and religious leaders to understand that referring to LGBTI people as sick, disordered and needing to be cured reinforces that there is something fundamentally wrong with the young person who is gay.  

As usual with my blog posts I really would like to hear your thoughts.  Ideas on how you can correct your friends/family without damaging your relationships?  Suggestions on talking to children about the language which can be so very hurtful and anything else that is on your mind about this topic.  

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

 

Where do we draw the line?

To most of us, in fact I would expect a large majority of us, the news this week that Brunei is introducing penalties which include stoning to death gay people, is difficult to comprehend to say the very least. 

Under the new penal code, based on Islamic Sharia law and upheld by the Sultan who has absolute power, there are a range of punishments not limited to the stoning of gays, severing of limbs for robbery and many other torturous and inhumane sentences.  The last time that a crime would result in the risk of the death penalty in Brunei was 1957 yet May 1st 2014 brings the reintroduction of this penalty. The link below details what is happening in Brunei. 

Stoned to death

This change in the law in Brunei has left me thinking.  I expect 'we' are horrified by this news and probably many of us do a good job of disregarding it as something happening far away, underpinned by religion in a patriarchal society in South East Asia.  Not on our doorstep.  I expect even those who do not support marriage equality, hate crime laws and other protections for gay people would still consider this punishment abhorrent.  How do we allow this to happen in our world and, if we find this unacceptable, what is acceptable?  The laws in Uganda, Russia, Iran, Pakistan and so on have penalties ranging from imprisonment to death.  I've included a link below which shows the status of gay rights globally.  

Where is it illegal to be gay? Millions of people continue to live in places that outlaw same-sex relationships and prosecute people for being gay. In five countries and in parts of two others, homosexuality is still punishable with the death penalty, while a further 70 imprison citizens because of their sexual orientation.

Back to my questioning about what is acceptable as global citizens and what is the impact of these laws more broadly.  If we would consider the death penalty to be unacceptable, that it represents an inhumane punishment for being gay and these laws are based in deeply religious beliefs what then do we think of the countries laws where the penalty isn't death but instead imprisonment such as Africa and the Middle East?  Is this an acceptable option for a country to uphold?  Let's take a look at other countries such as Russia.  The Russian laws are against gay expression.  Next we move to Indonesia and Angola these are countries with contradictory laws including age of consent laws which are different to the heterosexual community.  Venezuela and Bolivia are my next examples and these countries are an example of countries which have anti-discrimination laws. 

This brings me to the USA, Canada, the UK and last but not least Australia.  Arguably some of the most progressive countries in relation to rights for people in the LGBTI community especially in comparison to the laws I have mentioned above.  Marriage laws, domestic partnerships, civil unions, relationship registers through to legal protections in relation to defacto relationships and some hate crime legislation and antidiscrimination laws with various caveats.  I'd like to note Australia is at the very lowest level when it comes to rights in comparison to USA, Canada and the UK. 

While the countries and laws I have included are not exhaustive it demonstrates something very interesting to me.  There is a spectrum when it comes to rights and liberties for LGBTI people.  Starting will full equality such as in Canada all the way through to the death penalty in Brunei and every variation and step in between. 

How can this be justified?  If countries find some of the torturous punishments unacceptable how can they justify any level of discrimination for the same 'crime'.  The discrimination is the same, the rationale is the same and the 'cause' is the same.  Each of these laws or lack of equality and protective laws come down simply to the fact that a person is gay the only difference as I have outlined is the severity of the punishment.  

Our 10 year old daughter was in tears this morning when she heard the news about the Brunei laws.  Why was she upset?  As the tears fell she explained to us that it is because she was frightened.  Frightened because she has two mums and people can be killed in a country for being gay.  For her it isn't foreign people, in foreign countries, with foreign religions creating and upholding laws that are unbelievable to most of us.  For her it is the killing of people for being themselves, just like her mums.    

A


Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

I don't introduce myself as heterosexual....so why talk about being gay?

In response to my questions yesterday a friend of mine messaged me last night and here it what she said.  "But it's not a big deal to us. Eg. I don't walk up to anyone and say 'hi, I'm xxxx and I'm a heterosexual'. I don't even think about it. It's just not a 'thing' in my thinking, if you know what I mean." 

We've had a bit more conversation about this and I asked if she minded if I used her words as the basis for another blog post.  She very kindly agreed and is also interested in the opinions of others.  Thank you to that friend, you know who you are and I appreciate your input.  A

Here goes: 

Every now and again someone will ask me 'why do you talk about being gay, I don't introduce myself as being heterosexual'.  Or simply say 'someone being gay doesn't hit my radar I don't announce I'm heterosexual'.  Most people who know me know that I don't introduce myself as Adele, quickly followed by I'm gay.

It does however cause me to think deeply when people say they don't introduce themselves as heterosexual.  I question myself, do I really make too big a deal of it when others don't see it that way.  Am I, instead of helping to reduce stigma and educate people, actually putting a lens where it is not required.  On reflection however the answer for me is consistently 'no', there is a difference.  I long for the day that this difference doesn't exist yet for now it does and this is one of the reasons I have created this blog and continue to share stories. 

People will often ask a gay person when did they 'come out'.  We differentiate straight and gay people by requiring a gay person to 'announce' their sexuality.  In fact that is not exactly what we do, as a society in general we make an automatic assumption that people are straight until we are told otherwise.  Also when it comes to that moment of 'coming out' it is actually not a moment in time and one event that is finished and over once completed.  It is actually something that goes on for your entire life.  What does this have to do with parenting?  Once you have children it is something that your children are required to do in a sense on your behalf.  That might sound unusual and not something you've thought about before however it is true. 

I can give so many examples of how being gay comes up in conversation that seems and is completely unnecessary and definitely unrelated.  You actually find yourself 'coming out' over and over.  So why does it come up when I or Monique are talking to health professionals, colleagues, acquaintances, tradespeople, shop attendants and the list is endless?


Here are some real life examples that Monique and I have experienced.

I was in hospital a few weeks ago, I said my partner was coming to collect me and the nurse said to just let her know when he arrived.

Someone comes to quote for some work on our roof.  The guy quoting keeps saying to Monique that when she has spoken to her husband to get back to him.

Before a meeting at work people are casually chatting about their weekend I might mention my partner.  Small talk moves on to me being asked what does he do.

Out shopping with Bae and we were buying a piece of jewellery for Monique.  The shop attendant made an understandable assumption that the jewellery we were buying was for me and made a comment about what a lovely daddy Bae must have for him to buy me this necklace. 

We've also had the question, more than once, are we sisters or relatives. 

I understand the automatic assumption of heterosexuality the question that this raises for both Monique and I is do we disclose that in fact our partner is female or do we just let it slide.  Each time something like this happens (and it happens more frequently than you would think) I have to make a decision; do I correct the person or do I just leave it.  Those people who read my blog and are gay will easily relate to situations like this.  Those people who are straight can I suggest you try considering for a moment if someone assumed your partner was the same gender as you often.  

What goes through my head in that split second or few minutes, depending on the circumstances, are quite a number of decisions.  Firstly should I disclose this information?   Is it relevant?  Is not correcting, especially when we are with our children, interpreted by them as being ashamed of our family?  Is there a risk with disclosing?  You never know what someone's beliefs are, and if they are in your home such as a tradesperson, could you be putting yourself or your family at risk?  Am I going to be in contact with this person again and is it right to let them know to save future embarrassment/discomfort etc. for them?

The list goes on and I hope that gives you some idea of why being gay, no matter how much we would like it to be irrelevant, isn't.  Our sexuality is part of who we are, gay, straight and everything in between, it is not the whole of us.  However our society is so strongly geared towards assumed heterosexuality and therefore seeming unrelated situations and circumstances leave us in a situation where we need to make a choice whether to disclose our sexuality or not and often this is to strangers or acquaintances. 

This article also made me reflect on the journey of my book and its relevance.  As the author so rightly points out, being a gay parent is much more about being a parent than being a gay parent.  Yet wish as we might that having gay parents does not impact on our children's lives I believe this is not yet possible.  It is not the overwhelming majority of our focus by any means however it is reality and it will continue to be so for now. 

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

What is a positive, caring sexual relationship?

"KAP leader and son of the party’s founder, Robert ‘Robbie’ Katter, argued that the harm done by early sexualisation of children by exposure to “adult sexual behaviour” could damage the “foundation they need to become adults who are capable of forming positive, caring sexual relationships”."

Proposal to limit advertising

So what type of advertising do you think is reasonable in public.  I don't see anyway to limit the audience and therefore we need to consider public only.  What I find absolutely astounding is that groups such as the KAP, PUP and ACL believe that children should not be 'exposed' to sexualised advertising.   SERIOUSLY?  We need to be clear what the ACL et. al. are trying to avoid.  It is not sexualised advertising, it is anything that reflects non-heterosexual advertising. 

There is sexualised advertising everywhere. 

Here is a few

When was the last time you saw a woman draped over a car? 
When was the last time you saw a women in an unbuttoned shirt or underwear - selling something that isn't clothes? 
When was the last time you saw a man, half naked selling some inanimate object or person product? 

We see sexualised advertising everywhere.  What we see is hetero-normative and therefore something we either don't register or do not see on the 'offensive' or 'questionable' spectrum. The first sign of a homosexual relationship in advertising causes an uproar.  Is this not a fundamental concern? 

Your thoughts are welcome. 

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Fatal families

In the past week Savannah and Indiana died at the hands of their father and Fiona Warzywoda died at the hands of her ex-partner of 15 years.  Last night a woman was attacked in her home in Brisbane by her ex-partner at 2.30 in the morning while she and her children slept.  He took his own life and left her in hospital.

I've spent a lot of time reading about these deaths and talking with friends about why and how this happens.  There is no easy answer or one would hope that the answer would have been provided and in place by now. 

What is so scary are the statistics in the article linked below. 

 Frightening stats

• One woman is killed every week in Australia by her partner or ex-partner.
• The most dangerous time for a woman victimised by a situation of family or intimate partner violence is the period immediately after leaving. This is when her risk of homicide is at its greatest.

Why don't we know about these statistics and why isn't this topic on the lips of every politician in the country?

What is our Minister for Women doing about this?  

One of the discussions I have had with friends has been is it wrong to consider this a men's issue?  Is it sexist and stereotypical to say this is about men's violence?  I am the first to shy away from anything that stereotypes a group however some comments made in the last few days by friends and friends of friends points very strongly to men's violence being an overwhelming issue.  Yes women can be violent there is no question about it however as these statistics demonstrate the percentages are significantly higher and I am sure this difference would be statistically significant.  

At the risk of appearing sexist are we afraid to call this out for what it is?  A huge issue with violence perpetrated by men exists in this country.  From the coward punch to intimate partner violence we have a problem.   

I don't know the answers but I think we need to keep asking the questions.  

A

Time to reveal my logo/brand image!  Thank you so much to Sharon Hendy-Moman for creating this unique image for me to use.  When I asked Sharon to create me an image that I could use to brand my writing we talked about some ideas however I knew Sharon would create the perfect image and she has.  Here is what she said about creating it.

"My impression of you is that you stand proud and tall. This is always without waver. Your love for your family is immense. I love reading over your blog and to me you are an educator. The open way in which you generously share your life by answering questions and dispelling myth and mystery is very powerful. I was particularly taken with the way in which your family celebrates Father's day. I love the idea that a generous man 'planted a seed' that allowed the four of you to become a family. It was this idea of nurturing love, planting seeds, growing acceptance and standing tall that allowed me to arrive at this elegant tribute as your logo. As a viewer, you should be able to feel growth of knowledge and appreciate the orderly way in which the leaves fall to the ground. There is no chaos - just simple harmony."

If you are ever looking for some amazing art work please consider Sharon.  You can find her on Facebook at Art By Sharon Hendy Moman.

https://www.facebook.com/artbysharonhendymoman?fref=ts

10 things that you might want to ask same-sex parents?

Do you have a list of questions?  If you felt no shame, embarrassment or hesitation in asking questions of same-sex parents what would they be?  Add them to the comment section.  Don't be shy. 

As a same-sex parent here are the questions that I think people may like to ask; well to be honest it is the questions we have been asked.

1. How did you have the child/children? 
2. No, really how did you have them?  Not what type of birth but did you use IVF or were they from a previous heterosexual relationship or did you use the 'turkey baster'?  
3. What does your child/children call you?  Is there a 'mummy' role or 'daddy' role?  
4. What do you tell your child/children about their other biological parent? 
5. Does your child/children have a relationship with their other biological parent? 
6. Are the children related?  
7. How did you go enrolling them in school? 
8. How do you go with other families understanding your family?  
9. What do your family think? 
10. What do you do with Mothers Day or Fathers Day? 

Would you like me to answer these questions to get us started?  I'll answer them and I'd like you to add your questions or if you are a same-sex parented family perhaps you have different answers.

1. Monique and I had our children once we were together.  Monique had our daughter and I gave birth to our son.  
2. We used IUI (Interuterine Insemmination).  Something that is not part of every day conversation but very popular with assisted fertility treatments (ART).  We went to http://qfg.com.au/.  The process was not easy.  Monique had blood tests day after day until her hormone levels were right  every month followed by IUI.  This went on for 18 months.  36 back to back attempts.  Monique says to this day that it was like she was being treated for an illness not attempting to have a baby.  When she was pregnant, we couldn't believe it.  I had 5 months of similar attempts followed by a miscarriage and then another 6 before a pregnancy that lasted to full term.  We both had HCG injections which I gave Monique and myself and we had other medication prescribed by our gynaecologist/obstetrician. 
3. We are mummy (Monique) and mama (Adele).  We have heard so many variations and would love to here more in the comments.  
4. Our children both know there is a wonderful man who helped us become a family.  They also know they will never meet him.  We made a conscious decision to have a donor who was not seeking involvement in the future.  Our rationale behind this was two fold.  Firstly we think it is hard enough to keep two parents together raising children.  Secondly the way the laws in Queensland were at the time (I don't think they have changed yet but expect they will) a donor had the choice to be known and at anytime withdraw this.  That would mean if we had chosen a known donor we could have told the children for years that they would eventually meet their father and then he could withdraw this consent.  A risk we weren't willing to take.  Our children celebrate their father.  Every Father's day they release a balloon each with a note to thank the man who helped us become a family.  Interestingly in the time we had our children, donors got to choose if they were willing to donate to same-sex couples.  In Brisbane at that time the number of men who were willing to donate to same-sex couples was not high.  It makes that man even more special.  
5. No
6. Yes our children are related.  They have the same donor father and different mothers.  It was initially very important to us that the children have the same father which completed our family circle - in some way we were all related.  After such a long period of trying to have children though, to be honest, it was less important.  Even though it was less important we are very glad they have the same donor father.  
7. No issue enrolling in school.  Interestingly we were the first known same-sex parents in the daycare (it had been operational for 17 years) and the first known same-sex parents at the school (it had been operational for over 120 years).  One of the best experiences we have had both from the daycare and the school is that both places were willing to work with us if there was an issue.  We both did a lot of research before having children, one of the key issues was that children had no issue if their peers teased them about their family structure however if they had teachers that struggled to cope with their parents or family structure, that impacted them significantly.  
8. We have never had a major issue with family members.  We know many people who have.  We have been pleasantly surprised by so many and we have experienced people who keep their views to themselves.  
9. Similar to the question above.  Probably if we go back to before children.  It is always a shock for family members to have their heteronormative picture altered.  Some are ok, others aren't and then there is the group that on the surface are OK but lobby other family members.  They are the group I struggle most with.  Honesty is very important.  
10. Mother's Day and Father's Day are very special days for us.  We have a rule in our household that Mother's day gifts must be handmade.  Each of us get a day for Mother's Day.  Father's day is equally as special.  We celebrate wonderful men in the children's lives including their grandfathers.  We also honour their father.  We never pretend he doesn't exist or speak of him poorly.  He is what made us a family.  We have always been blessed by the day care and school in that they double up for Mothers Day.  

A side note about donors.  There was a great friend of mine that adopted her children except for one.  She never wanted adoption to be seen as a negative.  So from the moment they adopted their children they talked about how lucky they were that someone allowed them to adopt.  They made it a positive word.  That is what gave us the idea to make sure that donor was never a negative, that the children's father was never negative.  He is a wonderful man and he is always considered positively in our home.

 
Over to you........

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Putting a call out for your ideas or ideas from your friends

The bare bones of my book are continuing to take shape.  What I am seeking from anyone who reads my blog is input or ideas into some of the themes or chapters.  If you have nothing to add or don't feel like putting your thoughts out there quite yet please keep reading anyway and another way you can assist is by helping me share this blog with your connections.  This will hopefully help me get a balanced view and a range of opinions from many people.

You might be wondering what type of ideas and comments I am looking for.  It's really anything; if you are parents, teachers, grandparents, parents to be and either have questions or comments to make please just go for it.  This is not exclusively for gay people only, everyone's opinions are welcome*.  

The list of chapters has not changed but here is a reminder.  Any and all thoughts are welcome no matter how left field they might seem. 

1. Introduction
2. Family Structures 
3. Conception and Pregnancy
4. Birth
5. Families and Friends 
6. A child, two or more
7. Day Care and School
8. Special Occasions and Celebrations
9. Those situations 
10. Those conversations
11. Legal
12. For teachers and carers
13. For grandparents
14. For those wanting to know more about our families 
15. Marriage Equality 
16. Q and A 
17. The views of our children 
18. Conclusion

*only exception is hateful, offensive statements which are not constructive and do not add to the purpose of this blog.

 


Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Why take the easy road?

Look into those beautiful eyes
Zachary's eyes are like big deep pools you could get lost in, very similar to the dark brown eyes of our son.  How could a parent even contemplate harming him; let alone kill him because she thought he may be gay.

May we never forget his name and may we never forget the reason he died.   Homophobia is like a tangled far reaching web that seeps into every day lives despite what many people would prefer to believe or see.  It's very easy to not see homophobia as an issue in the world most of us live.  Day to day we don't necessarily see the impacts of homophobia, these impacts are not in our face to demonstrate what damage it can and does do.  This little person Zachary was unable to protect himself from the homophobia that drove his mother to kill him.  Admittedly she was a violent woman it seems, but he is dead because of homophobia.  It is easier to take the focus from what happened to Zachary and move on in our every day lives.  Let's not take the easy road, Zachary certainly didn't and we owe it to him to take our minds to that unthinkable place.

So here we go.  On the surface homophobia killed Zachary because his mother reacted to what she saw in him.  She thought he was gay and that was something she didn't want to face and killing him was the answer.  Honestly though I have no idea why she killed him, really none of us do; she was a violent woman who harmed her other children also.  Regardless it raises a discussion that needs to be had.  Even the mere thought that he died because his mother thought he was gay is enough for us to look at homophobia in general.

What does homophobia taint?  It taints the thoughts and lives of many people, it may be you, it may be the people in your circle of friends but have no doubt there are people in your lives that are homophobic.  From the extreme Westboro Baptist Church "God hates fags" to the "I'm OK with gay people as long as it doesn't touch my life directly" i.e. a child/parent/sibling/friend.  Is homophobia too strong a word?  No it's not.  It's more comforting to believe that the root of the concern is not homophobia but again that is the easy road and dismisses the facts.  Many law makers will stress they are not homophobic however they do not support full equal rights.  If that isn't homophobia what is it?  It is the belief that same-sex attraction is in some way lesser that heterosexuality and deserving of different legal rights. That people who are same-sex attracted can live their lives quietly as long as 'they' don't expect to have full equality.  It is homophobia and it leads people to believe that their hate crimes have some level of justification.  Zachary, Matthew Sheppard and many others have died because homosexuality was seen as abhorrent; something to kill over.

What relationship does this have to equal rights, what difference would equal rights in marriage and beyond make?  The difference they make is that through equal rights and laws society makes a clear statement and over time that statement molds what is acceptable and what is not.  Facts do not change the opinion of people it is emotions that do.  Emotionally we have to make homophobia and in turn inequality unacceptable.  If we look at the past major human rights movements; women's rights, indigenous rights, apartheid etc. it wasn't until collectively society said "we do not accept that these people are treated differently and have different basic human rights" that change occurred.  Marriage rights are not the beginning of the equal rights movement for homosexuals and it is not the end of the movement however it will make a difference as large as the right to vote for women and the removal of apartheid. 

Marriage rights may seem to the every day person as not important and really not something that will force a quantum shift in our society - that is so wrong.  Marriage rights are the tipping point, they are the trigger that will help exponentially in moving us from a society that is disgusted and shocked by hate crimes to a society that actively protects the rights of homosexuals.

RIP Zachary; I will not stop speaking on your behalf and I urge my friends not to also. 

A


© Adele Fisher 2014

Where do the months go? To tell or not to tell?

So here we are on April 1.  I've managed so far to not be April Fooled but then I've barely left the house.  I hope you are all just as lucky or have had a good laugh.

Where has the time gone since my last post?  Family life hey?

More food for thought for my book.  Our son had a friend sleep over recently.  We had a great chat with the friend's mother about discussing the topic of our son having 2 mothers.  Now I appreciate a lot of people don't see this as an issue on the surface but no matter how accepted we are there are still circumstances that need to be considered so to speak.  It raises the question, what does the parent of the child do?  Let him know that he is going to a house where there are two mums who will sleep in the same bed etc. or leave it be because it's no big deal.  I personally am a little conflicted on the approach, which will obviously be different for every child.  My inner equality rebel says, NO, nothing should need to be discussed a family, is a family, is a family regardless of the makeup.

However I get that there could be some young children who, raised in the heteronormative society that we live in might be a little confused heading off for a sleep over to find two mums.  Clearly we want our kids to be comfortable and our kids friends so a little heads up just to check all is good seems like an OK plan to me.

I recall arranging our daughter's first play date in daycare and 'coming out' to the mother on the other end of the phone.  Who, thankfully, was completely fine, as are most people.  There was that chance though that the family may have been strictly against gay people and not want their children 'exposed'.  While it sounds so strange for me to say, I don't doubt there are people who fit this category.  We all know there are people who fit this category.  Thankfully the greater majority do not.  Who was I to know that the family weren't some worshipers from the Fred Phelps Westboro Baptist Church! 

As we got talking with the mother of the boy who came over she was fantastic and shared that a chat had occurred with their son.  It was really nice to be able to speak with a parent who felt comfortable enough to say that she and her husband had thought about just letting their son know in case he wasn't aware or wanted to ask other questions.

I've also found myself recently having conversations with people who I find so accepting about same-sex relationships and families but as individuals and as parents they do want to talk about some of the not so obvious details.  When we've talked I hear that they do have questions and feel somewhat uninformed, not through purposeful ignorance but simply a desire to understand more.  Even something as simple as what our children call us is a very valid question and I want people to feel comfortable to ask the questions and not be shy.

This is a key area of my book.  Let's understand together what is helpful information, what questions people do have on their mind, not in any negative way but instead just wanting to know more.  I truly believe before we make it to complete cultural acceptance we need to go through a phase of open communication where people can feel free to ask and learn more.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

A

© Adele Fisher 2014 

Back to school

So now it's time to head back to school for the new school year. One in grade 3 and one in grade 5. The school knows us well by now and generally speaking there haven't been any issues. Both kids have faced the firm retort from a school peer saying there is no way they can have two mums. Our eldest handled that well, explaining different family structures to demonstrate it was actually possible. Our youngest had a harder time in prep when telling peers he had 2 mums. Kids laughed at him, told him it wasn't possible and so on. 

The hardest thing for us was he didn't tell us until much later. It was after the end of the year when somehow the conversation came up and he told us of what had happened. His response to this treatment was to never discuss his parents at school again for the whole year. Oh how our hearts broke when we heard that. To think he soldiered through the year at the age of 5 keeping his family structure out of the conversation. Our job is to arm our kids with tools to handle situations or to step in and help if needed and it's heartbreaking to think he toughed it out alone. 

Reflection is such a wonderful thing. With hindsight we would have checked in with him during the year on that specific topic. We believe we have very open two way communication with our kids and I can only guess he didn't want to hurt us so kept this to himself. 

So many people tell us how mainstream same sex headed families are today and in part I agree. We've come an incredibly far way, however there are still people who have never knowingly interacted with gay people and families and those who are deeply critical and/or homophobic. The feeling expressed by these people slap you in the face and bring you crashing back down to earth when you realise how deep their feelings run sometimes. I feel confident as adults most of us can generally tolerate the hate and ignorance but what about our children?  It is for them we must continue to seek further change. 

A

Introduction taking shape

My introduction is starting to take shape, all comments welcome.

1. Introduction 

I feel I hardly need to explain what prompted this book.  I’ll share with you though in case you are wondering what the reasons were specifically for me.  I consider that we were somewhere at the forefront of the gayby boom in Australia and even more so in Queensland.  That’s not to say that there weren’t countless families with at least one gay or lesbian parent already when we decided we wanted to start a family.  I expect there were families in the more ‘gay friendly’ parts of Australia even.  We though have found ourselves navigating many firsts. 

The birth of our daughter and the fact of her having two mothers was something some staff at the hospital had some difficulty with.  When we enrolled her in daycare it was the first time the daycare which had been open for 17 years had an openly lesbian couple with a child at the daycare and the same occurred when our daughter started school. 

Having those experiences now far in the past for us but actually occurring relatively recently, being since 2003, I have continued to find that although we are surrounded by a bubble of friends and family who are very accepting of our family that it is still not unusual to face situations which are awkward or ‘firsts’ for us.  Deciding that we cannot be alone with this and knowing the interest that people having shown in different ways we and other lesbian families handle a range of circumstances I felt it was time to embark on a book.  A book whose roots start in Australia and sharing the common experience of Australians as this is lacking in the resources available to families such as mine.  A book I hope will interest a variety of people interested in learning more. 

The aim of this book is to be a resource for many people.  Lesbian families, parents and children, and families to be, their extended families and finally a resource for teachers, daycare providers and anyone else who wants to learn more about how normal our families are alongside challenges we face.  Heteronormativity is a concept I will talk about many times throughout this book.  That is the unconscious bias within society where the social norms are related to a heterosexual model only and those that fall outside of this model are often not even considered.  Something as simple as filling out a form that lists options of mother and father only. 

Finally it is a book of promise and hope for where we can be in the future.  A place where our families are so much a part of the social fabric that there is no longer a need for books such as this one.  

A 

© Adele Fisher 2014

Interesting research finding with an Australian component.

This research taken both the international and Australian literature and brings together the finding for same-sex parenting.

An interesting highlight and something I agree with completely is Australia needs more policy and focus in the health, education, child protection and foster care systems when it comes to same-sex parenting.  

http://www.aifs.gov.au/cfca/pubs/papers/a145197/cfca18.pdf

Key findings:

"About 11% of Australian gay men and 33% of lesbians have children. Children may have been

conceived in the context of previous heterosexual relationships, or raised from birth by a co-parenting

gay or lesbian couple or single parent.

Overall, research to date considerably challenges the point of view that same-sex parented families

are harmful to children. Children in such families do as well emotionally, socially and educationally as

their peers from heterosexual couple families.

Some researchers have concluded there are benefits for children raised by lesbian couples in that they

experience higher quality parenting, sons display greater gender flexibility, and sons and daughter

display more open-mindedness towards sexual, gender and family diversity.

The possible effect of important socio-economic family factors, such as income and parental education,

were not always considered in the studies reviewed in this paper.

Although many Australian lesbian-parented families appear to be receiving good support from their

health care providers, there is evidence that more could be done to develop policies and practices

supportive of same-sex parented families in the Australian health, education, child protection and

foster care systems.

Additional key messages, relating to specific family structures and psychosocial outcomes for children

raised by lesbian and gay parents, are included throughout the paper."

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

I am going to write a book based primarily on the Australian experience and I hope that in time as this journey progresses, you will start to add comments and ideas to my posts.  I have so many ideas for this book swirling around my mind and there are so many directions I can take it in and so many concepts I could cover, however if I go down every possible path the book will never be completed.  So I have set myself a goal.

It's a time goal and that time goal is I will have the content of this book finished by the end of 2014.  It may still require editing and other work but the manuscript will be complete by the end of this year.

I am still happy with the contents and chapters outlined in my previous posts.

For those who are reading, thank you.  Just knowing that there are people like you who want a book like this one to come to life is what will keep me writing.

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Ill share!

While I have been thinking about writing this book I have recalled so many funny moments we have had along the way.  I thought I would share some of them with you and you might have some you'd like to share.  Please take the time to look at my other blog posts in case you have thoughts to share.

The getting pregnant part for us had many heartbreaking and may hilarious moments.

I remember being referred to as 'A social situation' by one receptionist needless to say we didn't go to that doctor in the end.

I remember landing at the airport after being away for a business trip, and it being 'the time' to go to the clinic, so Monique picked me up mid afternoon at the airport and we drove straight to the clinic.  Nothing like being on a plane one hour and going through IUI the next hour!

I remember one doctor having lost the vial of sperm.  Seriously how do you lose that???  Only to find he had it in his pocket!

There were and are so many occasions that make us laugh.  Our daughter explaining her family tree to the cashier at the fruit shop and the cashier not knowing what to say or where to look.  The vacuum sales man who would just not get the idea that I didn't have a 'husband' to discuss the purchase with.

What funny experiences have you had?


A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

I see you!

I see the page view count going up so something brought you to this page. Please share your thoughts through comments.  Everyone is welcome. A








Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

Gay parents welcomeand other members of the LGBTI Community

Please know I welcome parents and parents to be and generally interested people, anyone from the LGBTI community and interested parties are welcome to give me your thoughts. This is an inclusive zone!  A
















Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

5 Specific questions for you - yes you!

A couple of weeks ago I did a post that was about 10 questions for families with LGBTI parents.  I really appreciated everyone's input.  This time I would like to ask you questions (I've included questions for the non-LGBTI people too, no discrimination here!  ;-)  ) and open up the chance for you to ask any questions you would like when it comes to parenting as an LGBTI person or anything else that might be of interest. 

If you are LGBTI and have children can you answer a couple of questions for me? 

1. what have been your three biggest parenting challenges as a lesbian?  
2. what are two difficult questions your children have asked you about their family structure? 
3. what are two difficult questions someone else has asked you about your kids or your family? 
4. did you have your children within a lesbian/gay relationship?  
5. how old are your children?

If you are straight and have children can you answer these questions for me?

1. have your children got peers whose parents are lesbian/gay? 
2. do you have lesbian/gay family members?  
3. if you have a gay/lesbian child have they had good support either at school or in the workplace and from peers? 
4. have you talked to your kids about various family structures?  What information would help you do this? 
5. how old are your children?

Can't wait to hear your feedback!

A

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

Introduction nearly complete and new chapter list

Slowly I am moving ahead with the book.  No comments yet on my blog so far but please feel free to read and comment.

More chapters have been added and the introduction is nearly written.

Here is the new list of chapters

1. Introduction
2. Family Structures 
3. Conception and Pregnancy
4. Birth
5. Families and Friends 
6. A child, two or more
7. Day Care and School
8. Special Occasions and Celebrations
9. Those situations 
10. Those conversations
11. Legal
12. For teachers and carers
13. For grandparents
14. For those wanting to know more about our families 
15. Marriage Equality 
16. Q and A 
17. The views of our children 
18. Conclusion 

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

More ground work for my book

• Who is my target audience?  My target audience are lesbian parents, lesbian parents to be, grandparents, other members of the LGBTI community and I hope they'll even be parts for teachers, carers, straight people trying to understand, kids of lesbian parents, care givers and the list goes on.  It seems I may need to sharpen my focus in relation to target audience or perhaps it will be a cover all.  

• What will they learn? They are not alone, what ours and other people's journey have been like, ideas on how to approach some situations.   

 The framework and topics I am thinking of are: 

1. Introduction 
2. Family structures and their beginnings
3. Pregnancy 
4. Birth
5. Families and Friends 
6. A child, two or more
7. Day Care and School
8. Special Occasions and Celebrations
9. Those situations 
10. For teachers and carers
11. For grandparents
12. For those wanting to know more about our families 
13. Marriage Equality 
14. Q and A 
15. The views of our children 
16. Conclusion

If you have suggestions on these specific topics please include in your comments the chapter title you are referring to.

A


Copyright Adele Fisher 2014

Link to my previously published articles

Here is a link to the articles I wrote and had published in the Queensland Pride Magazine

My Articles



Copyright Adele Fisher 2014 

Day 1 of writing a book - Lesbian Parenting

Today is day one of me seriously planning to write a book.  It's an idea that I've had in my mind for many years and now I believe the time has come.  What's my great plan?  Well it starts here and it starts with you.  I want your input and thoughts as I move forward with this book. 

I am going to share with you what I am doing, where I am up to, what is working well, not so well and everything in between.

Here is step one I'm finding out what people actually want in a book on lesbian parenting.  So to start I have contacted a range of my Facebook friends for some starting ideas.

"Hi everyone. I've decided to take the plunge and do something I've always wanted to do i.e. write a book. I intend to write fiction but first I will be starting with an e-book about lesbian parenting. I am sending this message to you because you are all people who I expect might have an opinion on this or know what might be helpful to others. I have included people without children, with children, different stages of child rearing and different ways in which children were brought into our lives to get broad feedback. I hope by inviting you to comment I am not touching on a topic that brings you hurt. Please know that is certainly something I would never want to do as I respect each of you so much. Australia is lacking resources and information for lesbian parents so I'd really like to know what type of topics do you think would be helpful. So throw you ideas at me including: topics, style, issues, funny moments, and so on. Please feel free to forward this to anyone who might have an opinion or ideas to share. I can be contacted either via Facebook or adele000@gmail.com." 

I ask of you the same thing.  Share with me your thoughts and ideas.  While I am focusing on producing a book with an Australian focus I hope it will be valuable to others around the world also.  

Bring on your comments!  

A 

Copyright Adele Fisher 2014